When the women wake from their slumber in San Diego, they’re still reeling from the drunken wrath of Jennifer Shah that they all faced the previous day. “The bottom line is we have all dealt with this for a long time, and it was pretrial too — it’s not anything new,†Lisa says, telling Whitney and Angie she’s still upset by the way she was attacked yesterday for no reason on the boat. Angie points out that Jen doesn’t even remember pushing Lisa, which Whitney equates to Heather not remembering they’re even in a fight, pivoting their conversation to the “friend break†she’s been taking from her, which she says Heather hasn’t even noticed.
“You guys, I’m gonna go grab a Kit Kat and get ready for the day,†Lisa says, heading into the kitchen for her breakfast of champions, where she catches up with Heather, who hopes Jen wakes up with a clear perspective. Having been present for this eventful hot-tub debrief, Lisa tells Heather that Jen seems to be flip-flopping on how she really feels and the pair need to just finally hash things out. Heather agrees: These outbursts that they’ve long written off as “Jen Shah behavior†have just gotten worse and worse, so it’s time to finally have a conversation.
And what better place for it than a fun beach day? “This is definitely not Turks and Quesos,†Lisa Barlow says, twice, before finally getting it right and telling her confessional producer, “Don’t use that!†But this isn’t just any normal beach day; it’s apparently an opportunity for Bravo to do spon-con with some company that sets up chairs, a picnic, and games for you on the beach. Where was this kind of arrangement for Robyn Dixon’s Family Fun Day in that desolate Potomac field?
Fittingly, our two team captains for these beach games are Whitney and Heather, and they lead the other women in a sandcastle-building contest and sack race. For our last group activity, the women split up, with Heather, Jen, and Lisa grabbing lunch while the other gals go surfing (sans Meredith, who obviously is not getting on a surfboard). This scene reminds us that a special Nobel Prize should be awarded to the Bravo producer who first decided to affix a GoPro to the various things the Real Housewives ride. We’ve taped them on bikes, dune buggies, surfboards — and reaped the rewards by seeing these women fall time and time again.
At lunch, Jen apologizes for snapping at Lisa the day before, perfectly leading us into a conversation digging into everything that went down that day — particularly what happened between Jen and Heather at dinner over the ultimatum Jen gave her. They’re both confused over this conflict: Jen thinks Heather has been flip-flopping, and Heather thought this whole issue had been put to bed.
Heather and Lisa both try to tell Jen that they want off the ride. They don’t want to start everyday unsure of whether she’s going to bite their heads off at any given turn. “It’s about the cycle: One day I’m throwing shoes over the yacht with you and laughing and feeling like the sun’s shining,†Heather tells her. “But the sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s ass everyday.†(Is this on a T-shirt being sold in the Beauty Lab lobby yet?) Jen says this isn’t her fault but, rather, is the result of Heather constantly flip-flopping on her. “You flip-flop so much … you should be wearing some flip-flops,†Jen says, clearly having started this sentence before she thought about how she’d land the plane.
The conversation continues to bubble until finally Jen erupts with the bombshell that she tried to commit suicide. “I have always felt like I was a pretty strong person. But when I found out about ShahXposed, it came on a day when there was just a lot of negativity dealing with the trial, and I got to the point that day where I was done,†she says. She locked herself in the bathroom until Coach kicked down the door and took her to the hospital, where she stayed for two and a half days.
“Jen just dropped something so heavy Bob the Builder couldn’t even move it,†Lisa says in a confessional, lightening the very serious mood with this fascinating arrangement of words. Bob the Builder is not famously strong, nor would I say is he well-known for moving heavy things. Rather, building things seems to be his M.O., hence his name. Perhaps Lisa is picturing Bob the Builder on a forklift or backhoe?
In any case, Jen storms off, leaving Heather’s and Lisa’s hands tied with this conversation. Ultimately, they unite in being there for their friend during this difficult time while also recognizing her toxic behavior. Venting about it to each other will just have to do for now.
Back at the house, it’s almost time for the group’s Marilyn Monroe–themed dinner that Whitney’s throwing, which means she’s making the rounds handing out cheap blonde wigs that put Kim Zolciak to shame. (Well, all of the women except Jen, who of course brought her own expensive version.) Now, this type of random costume party isn’t out of the ordinary for the Housewives, but usually they happen when they’re having a dinner party at the house. So you can imagine my shock when they all loaded back into a sprinter van to go to a restaurant dressed like this.
But this isn’t just any restaurant — apparently it’s a charcuterie-themed restaurant, continuing this cast’s season-long love affair with trendy cheese boards. To me, this sounds like hell. If I arrived at a restaurant for dinner and they gave me cubes of cheddar and salami, I would stab someone with a cheese knife and take my ass to a Chili’s. And we wonder why this meal immediately spirals into chaos!
When Whitney asks if they made any progress over lunch, Jen snaps at her, saying it’s too personal to get into before ultimately doing just that. This tiff is enough for Jen to set her sights on Whitney, and we can almost hear the robotic voice in her head say “Target acquired†as she zeroes in on her. She’s pissed at her for telling Heather what Jen was saying about her in the hot tub, so in turn Jen takes it upon herself to bring up what Whitney was saying in the hot tub about taking a “friend break†from Heather.
This subject makes the entire table devolve. For some reason, it’s as if Whitney and Heather were speaking two totally different languages because it’s physically impossible for them to have a productive conversation about this subject. Every time this conflict comes up, it’s as if Heather were hearing about it for the first time, while Whitney is convinced she’s been telling her what she did wrong all season. By the way, let’s not forget that they’re all dressed like Marilyn Monroe through this; it’s like a fight breaking out in the audition room from Smash.
Whitney keeps saying Heather isn’t hearing her or listening to her, and in a confessional, Heather pleads, “What am I not listening or hearing?†Somehow this question leads us all the way back to the Utah Jazz–tickets rumor. We’ve strayed so far from God’s light. Thankfully Jen, with a bedazzled “Shah Mazing†hair clip in her wig, is here to get us back on track: “Whitney told us she was taking a friend break from you.â€
This is news to Heather, who is completely perplexed by this revelation. She thinks it’s been fine every time they’ve seen each other, but Whitney completely disagrees. Heather thinks this is all bullshit, and Whitney says the fact that she can’t even have a conversation with her about it is why they’re on a “friend break†in the first place. This is all very Ross and Rachel but without James Burrows directing us toward cohesion.
But if this all seems convoluted and confusing to us, imagine what this raw footage must have looked like. Endless arguing with no clear through-line, no clear beginning and end, and zero resolution whatsoever. Surely a dark day in that editing bay.
The night takes one of the starkest 180’s imaginable when they all leave the drama on the charcuterie board and head to a gay club called Flicks, where they dance among their fellow drag queens. It’s actually a wonder that Lisa Barlow is able to go into a gay club without being mobbed as if she were Princess Diana. I was expecting pandemonium. By the time they return to the house, so much is happening. They come out of the sprinter van with pizza, Jen has lost her shoes in an act of karmic justice, they get locked out until Lisa comes back outside because she lost her phone, a glass breaks, Lisa calls John, Whitney decides to make English muffins, tits are out (pressed up against the glass, no less) — this all happens in a matter of seconds.
Next thing we know, production calls it a night, and we switch over to the house’s security-camera footage, time stamps and all. We’re suddenly watching an episode of Dateline. It’s 3:20 a.m. Heather retires to her little casita to go to bed. She locks the door. Flash forward to 4:50 a.m. The knob stirs. Someone’s trying to get in. We see Heather approach the door to open it. My heart is racing a mile a minute. “What time is it?†she wonders aloud. The screen cuts to black.
“Seven hours later.†It’s now morning, and a text is sent to Meredith Marks: “Meredith … can you come to my room right now?†What does Meredith find in Heather’s room? Jen and Heather, the latter of whom is wearing big sunglasses, which she whips off with a flourish to reveal a black eye and scrapes down her arm, shocking Meredith. What happened? Who was behind that locked door? Will we ever find out? One thing we know for sure: This is all “to be continued.â€