The episode kicks off just the way we like it, with a screaming match already in full swing. Whitney and Heather — prophetically dubbed “Bad Weather†by Lisa — have become two tornadoes raging through Scottsdale, accusing each other of lying about who knew what Lisa Barlow gossip when. Yes, a family dissolving is tragic (let’s be real, they’re only third cousins), but not as tragic as the steaks being abandoned on the grill during this blowup — which the editors have respectfully given an “in memoriam.â€
Heather says that being called a liar is a big accusation, but it’s over something pretty stupid — and she’s right. This completely idiotic dispute is not only fueled by alcohol and misunderstanding, but it’s also contextualized by Whitney’s newfound desire to stand up for herself in light of her healing journey. Unfortunately, this first attempt at standing up for herself isn’t quite coherent enough to resonate.
Whitney then accuses Heather of being loaded at the basketball game when the gossip was spread, to which a bewildered Heather responds, “If I was loaded, then don’t hold me fucking accountable!†Whitney, currently the loaded one, is not making an ounce of sense as she approaches Heather, who flings Whitney off of her and into the windows like she’s a paper doll. “You lost me forever,†Heather screams as she storms away, but on Housewives “forever†usually means about a season and a half max, so fingers crossed.
Now if you recall, this is just a spinoff fight from the main fight last week, which Lisa Barlow was at the center of. But now, much like the fresh Diet Coke she got from the fridge, Lisa’s cooled off and pulls her allies Jen and Heather aside to thank them for their friendship. Heather assures Lisa that she never, ever had a conversation about “your marriage or your extramarital affairs,†which was funny enough to earn one of those cymbal sound effects from the editors.
Lisa and Whitney turn in for the night, but you’d be wrong if you thought that was the end of the festivities. At 2:11 a.m., Jen uses her megaphone to bring out a twerk instructor that Heather, understandably, mistakes for a stripper. Her name is Crystal Pussy, and she’s also Jen’s makeup artist. Where has Crystal Pussy been all this time? Was she just hiding in a bedroom somewhere while the women screamed at each other waiting to emerge?
Jen explains that as of late, the Shah Squad has to wear a lot of different hats — and I hope that means Crystal Pussy is also her trial attorney. The women’s hearts are clearly not in the twerking, with Meredith being particularly ill-equipped for this late-night challenge. “I can squeeze one butt cheek,†she says, sounding a lot like Michael Darby.
The next morning Heather wakes up in a bed full of loose Milk Duds and starts collecting pieces of a torn-up note from the ground. She starts piecing the fragments together like she’s in National Treasure to reveal the message: “Heather, No words needed here. Bad Weather, NO MATTER WHAT. ILYSM. Xoxo, Whitney.†Whitney, deciding her drunken work wasn’t done, had slipped into Heather’s room last night to tear up the welcome note she’d previously left her before their blowup.
In the cold light of morning, Whitney still feels betrayed. But before we pick up where we left off on that conflict, Whitney’s going to see her half-brother and half-sister, Curtis and Kelli, who live nearby. The three of them share the same father, whose Diane Warren haircut you might remember from season one, but have different mothers. She tells them about her healing journey and how she wants to close this wound, and ultimately this conversation about their shared experience gives her permission to let it go and heal.
Back at the house, and deep into the afternoon, the other ladies are finally waking up for breakfast. And lucky for us, the editors (a great ep for them) generously slap up a time stamp every time one of the women says good morning:
Heather: “Good morning!†— 2:15 p.m.
Meredith: “Good morning, guys. How are you?†— 2:25 p.m.
Jen: “Good morning!†— 2:30 p.m.
After her nighttime routine of a burrito and some Kit Kats, Lisa tells us she decided to put the drama aside and focus on the original purpose of the trip, which is being there for Jen. She’ll be leaving early to go to New York for another mock trial. The worst part? Her lead trial attorney told her to stop getting Botox so she’s able to emote on the stand. Now, I did not go to law school, but if you want Jen Shah to maintain a poker face during the prosecution’s arguments, I’d imagine the more Botox the better. And secondly, after two seasons of this show, we’ve seen every emotion Jen has, and Botox has never gotten in the way of that.
She clarifies that she doesn’t know 100 percent if she’ll be going on the stand, but says she has no problem doing so. Of course we now know that all of this prep work was for naught, since she ultimately pled guilty instead of going to trial. So the closest we’ll get to her on the stand is likely her inevitable one-on-one with Andy Cohen à la Teresa Giudice’s post-prison WWHL appearance (clad in an orange jumpsuit) or his Sag Harbor Sit-Down with Luann de Lesseps. At least there’s precedent!
Whitney returns just in time for all of the women to rally around Jen, even helping her pack up her closet and the stray extensions scattered throughout her bedroom. They send her off with a group hug, all five of them. And the even more unimaginable happens back inside when Lisa and Meredith embrace for a 13-second-long hug. It turns out the one thing that could bring these five women together was the FBI.
It’s the rainy third night in Scottsdale — fittingly bad weather — and the four remaining women are having dinner at Dierks Bentley’s Whiskey Row. With a shot of 1942 (and a Diet Coke for Lisa, obviously), the women decide that they’ll each say one word that they can toast to. It’s all smooth sailing: “love,†“peace,†“friendship†— until we get to Whitney, who hits us with “honesty.†A storm’s a-brewin’ that’ll put this Scottsdale rain to shame.
Heather steps away to use the restroom, giving the other three a chance to debrief on the previous night. Whitney feels hurt that Heather didn’t have her back and that she called her a liar. The thing is, I don’t think Heather ever really did call her a liar — it was the other way around. Heather just said she wasn’t there for the Angie Harrington conversation, and if she was, she had zero memory of it. Whitney was the one claiming that was a lie.
What I don’t understand is this: In episode two, Whitney pulls Heather aside to tell her about the sexual-favors rumor like it’s coming up for the first time, and Heather reacts accordingly. If you recall, she’s fully shocked and laughing at the absurdity. If Heather was present for the Angie Harrington conversation, why would Whitney need to tell her that she’s heard these rumors like it’s some kind of big reveal?
When Heather returns to the table at Dierks Bentley’s restaurant, Whitney tells her that she was hurt that Heather didn’t corroborate the story. Which, again, Heather couldn’t do because according to her, she didn’t know anything about it. Heather firmly says that she absolutely never had a conversation about blowjobs for courtside seats, a hilarious phrase that she keeps repeating until Lisa finally jumps in with, “Can we stop saying that?†This conflict has spiraled out so far that the Jazz tickets themselves have practically become a footnote.
Heather says that this was supposed to be a trip for Jen, and this is where she gets into bumpy and insensitive terrain, faulting Whitney for making it about her — referencing the revelation Friday night about her childhood trauma. Seeing us go off the rails, Meredith jumps in to play mediator, to no avail. What does finally put a halt to this unproductive conversation is the arrival of the sliders to the table. Nothing puts the women of Salt Lake City at ease like a plate of apps.
Back home in their matching pajamas, and over a few plates of cheesecake, Meredith gifts the women hats with emojis that spell out FBI — a reference to last season’s rumor about her leaking info on Jen to the FBI. They’re all entertained, and Heather asks if Jen has seen it yet. And of course Jen loves the merch; just a few weeks ago, she was the one advising Meredith to launch Garbage Trash Whore T-shirts.
Speaking of Jen, the women talk about how impressive her strength and ability to compartmentalize has been during this ordeal, while also speculating about the outcome. Nobody really knows what to expect, but luckily they have one of our most articulate legal minds, Meredith Marks, at their disposal to answer their questions.
At this point, Jen is the only defendant left who hasn’t taken a plea deal and plans to go to trial — and naturally, the most shocking of those plea deals was her assistant Stuart’s, whom we all knew to be endlessly loyal to Jen. The women speculate on whether a plea would still be on the table for Jen, and Meredith says that a plea normally would mean giving up info on a bigger fish, but the question is, is Jen the big fish in this? Either way, Meredith says the odds are not in her favor because the Southern District of New York has a 98 percent conviction rate.
It’s worth acknowledging that we’re viewing this case through a very specific lens, from the perspective of Jen and this group of women — who right now are just happy that this trip was able to provide a moment of respite to their friend, despite all the Bad Weather.