Mary — clinging desperately to the remnants of the real-estate show Selling Sunset hasn’t been for three full years — introduces us to Nicole with two key facts: She is one of the Oppenheim Group’s top agents and a good friend who officiated Mary’s wedding in that very telling order. She and Nicole meet Chelsea at the house of a man who owns a “very famous basketball team in Australia,” the billionaire equivalent of having a girlfriend in Canada. The house is full of “very industrial” and “heavy” details that evoke the feeling of being at a PF Chang’s in suburban Phoenix, but it’s here, on this indoor basketball court, that the seeds of a great conflict are sown. Nicole hates that Chelsea is co-listing this basketball house with another broker. She hates sharing commissions, and we soon find out why.
Three years ago, the unthinkable happened. Jason added Chrishell to a few listings with Nicole, forcing them to share the responsibility of selling the houses. He did this, so Nicole says, because he had a crush on Chrishell. Now, this would be an understandable — albeit equally useless — grudge to hold in almost any other business setting, but unfortunately for Nicole, she works at the goddamn Oppenheim Group. Not only did she also once date Jason (she was apparently the first one to do so), but Chrishell didn’t even take a commission from these sales! Nicole is mad about stats. That’s it. That’s the “big situation” she hints at at the beginning of episode two. Not only is this unbelievably silly, but now we know we can’t trust Nicole’s idea of what a “big situation” is. She believes this proves Chrishell will do anything to advance her own interests, which I honestly thought was a requirement for working at the O Group.
Chrishell, meanwhile, gives so few fucks about this petty mess that she strolls into the office without a listing in sight; she’s just there for vibes and to wear her pretty red suit! At the first staff meeting with the whole gang back together (even Davina is here, maybe the supply closet is in use?), another conflict immediately arises. But it’s not with Nicole, who quite interestingly has positioned herself right next to Mary, offering advice to all the ladies as though she is the co-Mary. It’s Bre who brings the thunder, confronting Chelsea about bringing her friend Savanna to Emma’s broker’s open, which she calls a setup. This reads as a little paranoid, but it’s not insane to think Chelsea would bring someone on the show with the intent to destabilize Bre, a person she clearly disapproves of generally.
“I do come off as a bitch, because I kind of am,” Bre later tells Heather as she explains the terrible end to her terrible marriage to some terrible football man, and she admits that her cruelty arises from this deep wound. It’s relatable; it’s sympathetic; it makes me wonder if Savanna had something to do with Bre’s divorce? Which I might not think had she not reacted like this. But Bre is trying to control whatever narrative she thinks is forming, and I must respect that. Personally, I don’t think Chelsea could’ve pulled off rubbing a mistress in Bre’s face and looking like a good guy, but I don’t know the tea! And it is so annoying not knowing the tea when you can smell it brewing a mile away. I will just have to keep guessing! Savanna stole Bre’s best wig? Savanna took a dump in Bre’s mailbox? Savanna released an ancient ghoul from an obelisk who chases Bre around her house nightly? Please email me if I’m getting warm!!
To be honest, I really do like Bre. But I also worry about her. She’s put up a huge wall and seems to think people should be impressed that she built such a giant wall. But this isn’t Game of Thrones! And even in that show, the wall ultimately did not work (spoiler, I guess). Also, if you’re going to be the mother of a celebrity’s baby — especially a celebrity who is famous for having lots of babies — and then go on a reality TV show, you should expect questions. When the girls start probing Bre about her situation, however, it feels like she is still trying to figure out some of the answers. Non-monogamy, when it’s successful, is usually successful because of trust. But Bre presents her situation as yet another trauma response: She doesn’t want monogamy because she thinks men aren’t capable of it. That’s not not being jealous; that’s being so jealous you’ve given up on being vulnerable! Bre doesn’t seem to realize this or doesn’t want to, and Chelsea immediately zeroes in on her insecurity, throwing it in Bre’s face that her husband would never betray her. This is mean, but I’m allowing it because Bre has been all over Chelsea from the start, so she gets one free mean moment, and this is it.
Meanwhile, Jason is in love with the 24-year-old Mary-Lou, but who cares? I did not come to this show to find out who Jason is dating this week. That information is available on Instagram. I’m here to make fun of ugly houses and watch career women fight while dressed like villains from The Hunger Games. Luckily, Jason announces at dinner with Mary that he is leaving town to go to Europe for three weeks and kiss his girlfriend on the lips. This is good news for me, but terrible news for Mary, who is being left with all his work. A thing she should’ve seen coming because when has Jason not been the source of almost all their problems?
Later, Nicole invites Heather and Mary to see a house I actually don’t hate, though it does look like a place where Larry David would go to a cocktail party and accidentally knock someone into the cactus centerpiece. Mary admits she’s furious about being left with Jason’s work, and Nicole decides this is a great opportunity to announce that she thinks Mary-Lou is better for Jason than Chrishell. Neither Heather nor Mary knows what to do with this insanely cruel and incredibly needless thing to say. It makes me wonder whether Nicole has been watching the last five seasons of this show because if she has, she knows that anything said in front of Heather is said in front of the person you’re talking about. Faux Dummy Heather is low-key this show’s biggest pot stirrer, and while Mary will hear all sorts of mess and just hope it goes away before the next broker open, Heather is sure to let Chrishell know Nicole has been talking shit. Whether that’s Nicole’s hope or not, that’s exactly what happens.
Now, I want to take a moment to congratulate Selling Sunset on finally featuring a house I like and respect. “300, The Strand” is the beach house where Chelsea is hosting another dreaded broker’s open, but it actually looks like a home where a human being lives! It has rooms, windows, and an elevator I’m certain I would die in on my way back up from the English pub in the basement. It is here, on Manhattan Beach, that we see the newly reborn Chrishell Stause in all her delicious glory. Nicole is so sure she’s the wronged party here, and Chrishell — sweet country gal that she is — initially tries hard not to humiliate her. Unfortunately, Nicole’s entire position is humiliating. What does she want? For Chrishell to announce that she didn’t do most of the work on some listings from three years ago? To whom? Literally no one cares. Suddenly, Nicole tells Chrishell she thinks she has a “victim mentality,” to which Chrishell responds appropriately with: “Bitch.” I love the new Chrishell. She doesn’t care if Nicole likes her; she doesn’t need Nicole’s (or Jason’s or Mary’s) approval. She just needs Nicole to leave her the hell alone. And when Nicole says, “We’re not friends,” Chrishell responds with a guffaw and an “I know that,” that made me laugh louder than any actual comedy has in months. Clearly, coming to a Friendsgiving does not necessarily make one a friend.
Chrishell ends this incredibly stupid fight by insisting Jason and Mary sit down with them. This makes sense since this entire conflict stems from something Jason, not Chrishell, did. And the great thing about New Chrishell is she sees this. While the rest of the women stay cowed, doing Jason’s work for him, fighting each other over his mistakes, Chrishell demands he appear and answer for his crimes. Nicole needs to accept that she works for her ex-boyfriend, who will do things like this for as long as she chooses to work for him. I just hope that someday, when she has to share a listing with Mary-Lou, she’s a little bit nicer about it. After all, she’s just a kid!
Location, Location, Location
• Davina Watch: Davina doesn’t make it to the broker’s open because she is at Burning Man! Good for you, Davina! Live your normal (rich) personal life!
• Emma’s Bi-curious Moment: She is so excited to tell everyone that the figs look like vaginas; someone kiss her already!
• Christine’s Influence: When Bre is confronting Emma about allegedly approaching her billionaire client, she brings up information she purportedly got from Christine. She is always with us.