The Slow Horses Incompetence Index was a rundown of which characters on the show were doing the worst at their job and/or life following each week’s episode. It was a competitive situation, as everyone on the show was a complete disaster of a human being in their own special way. But then they did great in the season finale and ruined the whole bit. So, a pivot is required. Welcome to the first and possibly only Slow Horses, uh … Competence Index.
Well, this is awkward. For me, I mean. I went and did a silly little series about Slow Horses built around a bit about their incompetence and then we got to the finale and everyone went ahead and behaved competently. Almost everyone. Claude is still a boob. The Dogs are still relentlessly unable to capture and secure high-value targets. Roddy still does Roddy stuff. But other than that, from the top on down, the Slow Horses did great. Even better than in the other seasons’ finales, which still ended on a note of triumph but featured more bumbling. Again, it’s awkward.
It’s awkward for River, too, I suppose, if only because of the part where he confirmed the thing a lot of us suspected about his parentage. Specifically, the thing where Frank Harkness is his dad and where his grandpa traded his mother for the slew of weapons and fake identities that made decades of terrorism possible. That’s … it’s probably a lot to wrap your head around. Once he comes down from the high and adrenaline rush of everything that happened this season, he might just sleep for a month.
Other stuff happened, too. Some of it was very sad. We’ll get to that, though. What a fun and heartbreaking and exciting show.
Unranked
Claude (it is just outrageously fun to watch this underqualified and overconfident klutz get outwitted by every woman he meets and I hope he returns next season to get bamboozled yet again); Diana (Diana was not having fun this season); Patrice the assassin (successfully took out a team of Dogs but got gunned down and scalded by the misfits of Slough House); Yves the bomber (did a lil terrorism to make daddy mad); various Dogs (if not for River, they would have ended the season with a zero percent success rate of catching accused terrorists in train stations); me (really painted myself into a corner by framing this as an Incompetence Index); Flyte (the Head Dog in this show pretty much exists solely to get flummoxed by Lamb and River but I do like her energy, if nothing else).
10.
Shirley
I am very sad for Shirley. I don’t want to talk about it yet. What I will say is that her not blowing off Patrice’s head while he was handcuffed to the radiator was both surprising and a display of personal growth and restraint you rarely see from any character on this television show. I’m kind of proud of her. But mostly sad for her. I’m still not ready to talk about it.
9.
Roddy
Lots of Classic Roddy this week, from his seeing 30 seconds of action and assuming his first brush with injury was a gunshot (it was not) to him suspecting Catherine of all people might be part of a trap to lure him and David out of the bathroom (lol) but my favorite, by far, was him announcing that he’s “back on the market” and then immediately clarifying it with “… the sex market” as if anyone anywhere assumed otherwise.
I love this awful little creepo.
8.
Louisa
One of my favorite moments of this episode: Louisa more or less single-handedly overruling Claude’s shoot-to-kill order on River by running up to Flyte and doing the equivalent of a frustrated parent saying “Hey! Knock it off!” to a child who is misbehaving in public.
7.
Catherine
I … I think Catherine is back now. Right? Moira’s back at the Park. Catherine was bossing people around in the office again like she was running the place. (“Look in that drawer!” “Jiggle the handle!” “Put the bullets in the gun!” You know, office stuff.) I’m not sure anyone else will want to work there given, like, everything. The last time Claude assigned someone new to the office he ended up getting railroaded into giving her a raise to return to her previous job.
Let’s just call it: Catherine is back. I’m very excited.
6.
Coe
Coe did three endearing things this week after barely uttering a word all season:
➼ heaved a pot of boiling water at an assassin while everyone else was flailing about over guns
➼ talked Shirley out of killing Patrice by correctly identifying that Shirley and Marcus loved each other and Marcus would not have wanted her to do that
➼ killed Patrice himself five seconds after Shirley left the room
It’s weird. I’m not sure I can explain it. But … somehow … in this situation … executing an unarmed man who was handcuffed and no longer a threat … was … kind of … sweet? I don’t know. Like I said, it’s weird.
5.
Frank Harkness
ON ONE HAND: Secured his release from custody despite ordering the assassinations of multiple people and running a mercenary squad made up of his own children, one of whom went rogue and blew up a sizable chunk of downtown London. He’s an awful person but I don’t know if you can call any of this incompetence.
ON THE OTHER HAND: I mean, you did read the thing I just said about him being such a crappy dad that one of his warrior children decided blowing up a building with people in it was the only way to get a message across? And then there’s the thing where the warrior children are now dead. And the thing where he’s River’s secret dad, which kind of explains a lot more than it should, at least from a “guy with a hero complex who likes to go rogue and sometimes causes everything around him to fall to pieces” perspective.
The main takeaway here is that more shows should feature Hugo Weaving as a villain for an entire season. Looking at you, Doctor Odyssey.
4.
Marcus
I am sad. I am sad about Marcus. He had problems, sure. His gambling addiction led to lots of bad choices. He got a little too excited about getting into firefights. He wasn’t a very good spy, honestly, about which we were reminded a few episodes ago when he blew Shirley’s tail and got thrown through a window in a 90-ish-second span. But still, man … I liked Marcus.
This show will do that, though. It’ll give you laughs and thrills and also rip your heart out a little bit. The bad guys usually get handled, and yes, I’m still riding the highs of everything that ever happened to Spider, but … yeah, this one hurts. I’m worried about Shirley.
3.
Moira the New/Old Office Manager
Got her job back.
Got a raise.
Only has to work four days a week.
Has her boss petrified because she can ruin his career and life any time she wants.
Moira is living the dream. I am so proud of her.
2.
Jackson
Jackson sure does walk into rooms with dead bodies a lot. He walked into Bad Sam’s secret room and saw his dead body. He walked into Slough House and saw Marcus’s dead body. If he were any other person in the whole entire world, I would worry about the trauma this kind of thing leaves behind. Not so much with Jackson, though. He’s mostly just glad there are fewer people around to bother him.
That’s not true. It’s a decent joke but it’s not true. He cares more than he wants anyone to know. He was sad about Sam if only because it’s one less salty old crank to swap war stories with. He was sad about Marcus and tried to protect Shirley a little by telling her not to go look. That moment at the end with River was almost sweet.
If he’s not careful, someone might try to hug him soon.
1.
River
Well well well, look at Mr. Suddenly Pretty Good at His Job. He sniffed out the Frank fatherhood business. He tracked down Frank in the train station and got in some great lines about it all before the Dogs showed up to take Frank away. He only had one live grenade shoved into his hoodie. This is a little something we call progress.
There was also the personal stuff. The decision to put his grandfather in a facility that can care for him must have been wrenching. Learning his real father is a world class scoundrel and creep probably was not very fun. It’s what made the scene at the very end so touching, though. Somehow, despite many seasons of bungling and many angry things shouted and many bone-deep traumas that would need armies of therapists to unpack … Jackson, a man who pushes everyone in his life as far away as possible, and River, a sweet boy who has wanted a father figure his entire life, were … bonding? A little?
Between this and the death of Marcus, I’m glad we’ll have a break before the show is back. My emotions couldn’t handle a new episode next week.
More ‘Slow Horses’
- The 2024 Very Specific TV Awards
- The Steed of Slow Horses
- Slow Horses Got the Chance to Get Comfortable