Throughout this second season, Southside has nodded to many cultural niches. Still, as someone who came of age in Harlem when Cam’ron and the Dipset were at peak cultural relevance, watching Southside’s homage to a beloved hometown staple and 2000s rap culture gives me unbelievable pleasure.
Officer Turner is smarting from misplacing the Juelz Santana bandana she won at her charity Police auction for the Ronald McDonald House and is inconsolable. Her friend Cameron is at a loss for words, looking on in confusion while she wails the lyrics of “Hey Ma†to herself in distress. She patiently explains it’s about the flow, not the verse.
She goes on a quest to recoup other Dipset paraphernalia to console herself, attempting to check out vinyl at the library. Unfortunately, they only have the 2018 album Diplomatic Ties in stock, to which she responds, “I’m not that sad.†The remaining materials, she discovers, are in Bluto’s possession, who has constructed a makeshift hall of fame of early-aughts hip-hop: Ye’s Varsity Sweater from the College Dropout era, Nelly’s band-aid, Snoop’s blue bandana and pimp cane, Camron’s pink fuzzy headband, Dre’ chronic, Da Bratz’ barrettes, and Mary J. Blige’s tears from her Cry No More tour. The advice Bluto gives Turner to break through her despondence: “is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it.†Yes, those are Missy Elliot’s lyrics, but he also advises her to go to a hip-hop trivia night and see if she can come into some new wares.
Lo and behold, Cam’s famed pink timberland boots are up for grabs at trivia night. Her main competition is the librarian she met the other day, who is now donning a replica of Cam’s infamous pink fur coat and bandana. After competing over who knew references to old Murphy Lee singles and the names of Juelz Santana’s children, the game ends in a tie. And Bluto’s advice (via Missy) comes into effect and saves the day — the duo chooses to split custody.
Meanwhile, the winds of fate lead Simon and K to a “superhero box†that is not, to K’s initial chagrin, an astronaut uniform that will help him realize his fantasy of having an affair with a Russian astrophysicist. However, after several rounds of stress testing — shocking each other with jumper cables to discover “electric insulation,†running themselves over with the RTO trucks for “impact resistance,†and testing “hydrophobia†by throwing pudding at each other — they realize that these are indeed super suits, in what may be one of the worst hero origin stories since Invincible. Even worse: no one sees them as superheroes trying to bring goodwill into the city. When they try to warn a white man about getting cash out of an ATM in a dangerous neighborhood, he reacts in fear and not relief, pulling his knife out and saying, “I don’t want any trouble.†Their good Samaritan efforts are quickly abandoned — especially once they discover that they cannot successfully get high in them — and thrown in the dumpster.
During this entire time, Stacy has been using RTO as a home base for speed dating. For the most part, it’s going well: Keisha is looking for a sidepiece, Spike is looking for a literal partner in crime, Brenda is looking for a regular dude to date, Q is sweating profusely in his Kangol hat, and Officer Goodnight and his wife are using the setting as an excuse to engage in extensive roleplay. Initially, Stacy mainly views it as a profit-seeking venture, resigning herself to a lifetime of dating thugs, until her event is patronized by none other than minor R&B icon Donell Jones, who knocks her off her feet (pun intended).
All is well at first. Stacy is reveling in her newfound power-couple status and languishing in the record studios. That is until she receives a call from TUDD: the ultimate dick down. No matter what, Stacy will always be a loyal patron of the Cook County jail system. While Spike isn’t successful in finding his ride-or-die love, he does recover the suits that Simon and K abandoned and goes on a crime spree with his regular partner. Goodnight, unfortunately, discovers that the newfound spiciness in his sex life is all a long con for his wife to admit under character that she forgot to renew their homeowner’s insurance and their house is flooded, subsequently requiring that they move. If only Simon and K had kept their superhero roles for a while longer, perhaps they could have come to the rescue.
The season finale is a fantastic mixture of comic absurdity and social commentary. The episode occurs six months after a series of events lead Simon and K to live off the grid: “They Fighted at The United†when Simon punched Steph Curry during a game. Anyone who is an NBA fan knows that since the Malice at the Palace, anything beyond a minor skirmish is fully out of bounds. It is near impossible to fathom a fan running on the court ever again, but nevertheless. Not only is this a major scandal, but it is also slated to become a biopic called “Satan Wears Jordan 5s†starring Lahmard Tate (brother of Larenz Tate) and Rhymefest, scored by Kendrick Lamar, written by Ryan Coogler, and produced by Windy City Live’s Val Warner. As a result, Simon and K have spent the last several months living in “Scorpion Cave†in Starved Rock State Park, where they grow weed, sell it in town, and watch TV by drawing cave etchings. (Pornography is created by very critically positioned circles).
Quincy attempts to bring them back into town. He tries to guilt them into coming back home by letting them know that Aaron and Greg died after a bad repo call. His staffing losses have been mitigated by SHAHID, his Supervising Hourly Automated Hovering Incident Director, replete with personality mode and facial recognition. The cave is then haunted by Greg and Aaron, who attempt to drive home the point that Simon and K should return home, but their visage is quickly exposed to be a makeup job by Stacy. A scorpion attack forces them to go to the hospital despite Q and Simon’s plans to stay in the cave; while in the hospital, Simon has a bag of cheddar fries for the first time in six months. Promptly, he decides that processed food is worth Steph Curry’s anger, work, baby momma drama, and any gangsters that may be looking for him.
Back at RTO, Turner and Goodnight have been called into the store to investigate a murder mystery: one of the employees destroyed the robot SHAHID. Turner had plans to be a Lollapalooza with her friends and is miffed to be on this case. It’s quickly determined that Keisha was responsible for the machine’s demise, but further analysis of the metadata shows why Keisha crushed the robot — it was attempting to assault her under a “termination protocol.†The protocol was initiated after it falsely identified her as YBN Cordae, who the employee has a longstanding vendetta against. (In this world, Cordae has an identical twin brother with whom he starred in a sitcom and had a nasty fallout. )
Turner has realized the conspiracy and runs to try to apprehend the robots and protect Cordae at Lollapalooza. Unfortunately, there are already twelve robots deployed at the festival. Because of the racism in facial recognition, they are stunning and tasing nearly every Black person at Lollapalooza. Goodnight can’t help since he’s busy shutting down a knockoff festival, which conned him into performing between Vic Mensa appearances.
The season ends with Lahmard and Rhymefest filming a scene for Satan Wears Jordan 5s — a perfect coda for an amazing season. Here’s hoping there’s a season four. Thanks for reading y’all.