For an hour-long show, this really could have been 20 minutes. Could we have gotten the YouTube version? Maybe just like three TikToks strung together? There was really only one scene that I care about in this whole episode, and it is Patricia’s gentlemen’s dinner that Patricia didn’t even attend because she hurt her back. Instead, Craig shows up on a golf cart shouting, “Let’s do this bitches,†and no one chastises him. Whitney served as host, but it was more like a substitute teacher. Not only couldn’t he control the kids, they were already trying to get away with things they knew they couldn’t have otherwise.
Before we get there, let’s list everything we don’t care about. I certainly don’t care about Rod and his relationship with Olivia, which seems faker than every Kardashian’s lower lip (even Kim’s with the tattoo). Because of that, I also do not care about his conversation with Leva, an infomercial personality who occasionally leaves her kitchen to do the absolute least. I care about Venita, but I do not care about her trip to New York for fashion week because for me to care about that, this show would have to take place in New York. I also do not care about her new boyfriend, who seems hot and lovely. I wish them well, but I will buy nothing off the registry.
I do not care about Taylor’s picnic lunch with Mini-A-Lago, who brought a pre-made charcoochie board still in the plastic out of an antique picnic basket. Sorry, but if you go all out with the accessories, you must go all out with what is inside them. I do care about Paige and Craig (mostly due to Summer House), but I do not care about the ongoing conversation about their impending marriage, her impending move to Charleston, and Hannah’s impending annoyance when she finally drops the Giggly Squad for motherhood. It’s just the same conversation over and over again, and now it’s being dragged across two shows. At this point, I would like Taylor to make out with Craig so these two can fight about something new.
Let’s get to the things I care about, and it starts when Craig and Austen are having lunch at a lovely little eatery called Bodega that I would patronize with a long A (not patronize with a short A) were I to ever land myself in Charleston trying to woo Rodrigo back to my hotel room. I mean, what? Nothing! Austen tells Craig that Olivia is texting him again, and Craig says, “She wants to like you, but then you did something nefarious.†Isn’t that shocking? No, not that she’s texting that Craig knows the word “nefarious†and almost pronounced it correctly.
As this is brewing under the surface, everyone goes to Pat’s house for dinner. As they’re seated on the over-stuffed couches and Whitney ambles around trying to locate a platter that hasn’t had lines done off it, Shep says, “Hey, Austen. Taylor’s dog Penny is at my house, and Taylor’s car is at my house.†I don’t know what’s worse, the insinuation that they’ve gotten back together (they haven’t) or the “Hey Austen.†It’s like he wanted to make sure Austen heard it. It’s as if Shep has to prove that even though Taylor kissed Austen, he has all the power here.
When they sit down to dinner (speaking of which, why is Rodrigo invited but not Rod and JT?), one of the craziest conversations in Bop-Ba-Doo history plays out. They start talking about the mountain trip, and Austen says Shep drank too much whiskey and went on a rampage. Yup, that’s how I remember it. Shep tells Austen he doesn’t have a moral leg to stand on; I guess because he made out with Taylor. Regardless of Austen’s bad behavior, that does not excuse a rampage.
Shep says that he has been gracious and forgiving and nothing but a gentleman to Austen this whole time, hugging it out as soon as Austen told him about the kiss. Craig says, “You weren’t a gentleman. You choose to be like, ‘I don’t know how to fucking deal with this right now because one of my best friends hooked up with my ex.’ You are a lot angrier than you let on, and it came out.†What is even happening? Who is this AI version of Craig, and what have they done with the real thing? This is so emotionally intelligent and accurate that I can’t believe we’re hearing this from Craig “What’s Wrong With My Sewing†Conover. First nefarious, and now this.
Craig’s elucidation of the situation continues. Shep says that he meant every word of what he said to Austen in the mountains. I believe it because that is how Shep really feels. What Craig is telling him to do is be honest with his emotions. Shep needs to tell Austen he’s hurt, and he needs to be vulnerable in front of other men. He needs to let them see his anger and to express it naturally rather than in a drunken rage.
Shep reminds me of Tom Schwartz. They both like to put on this puppy dog act and don’t like to upset anyone or show that they’re angry. But all they’re really doing is holding all that resentment inside until they explode like an even messier version of something you’d see on Dr. Pimple Popper. Shep even says, “I’m a fairly happy human being; everything is going well.†Except neither of these things is true. Shep is an angry person, but just because he hides it under puppy dog eyes and games of flip cup doesn’t mean it’s not there, just waiting to bust through the exterior like it’s the Kool-Aid man with roid rage.
Shep exits the scene because, once again, he can’t confront the truth or his own feelings, and Rodrigo also leaves, probably to pull a train on one of the very, very lucky waiters at the event. Whitney, Austen, and Craig go outside to smoke cigars and talk. They want all the details about his hook-up with Taylor. They want to know who made the first move (it was her) and whether they did more than kiss. Austen says they didn’t, but no one, including Whitney and Craig, believes it.
Then they ask him where it happened, and he says it was in his kitchen. Craig was under the impression that it was in New York (which means it was after the reunion). Well, they never said it was in NY; they always said it was after New York. Even still, as Craig says in a confessional, the sleepovers Taylor was having at Austen’s were much more recent. The timeline sure is fuzzy, and the way Austen and Taylor are talking about it reminds me so much of Jax and Kristen in season two of Vanderpump Rules, where they boned but lied about it for a whole season. Now, this is something I really care about. Can we get some more of this, please?