At one point during the episode, when everyone dissects a “Page Six†article claiming that Austen and Taylor hooked up, she says, “I’m so sick of this being the topic of conversation for two months.†Um, same sister. But here we are, in an entirely different country, still talking about the Austen/Olivia/Shep/Taylor love rhombus that refuses to die. Buckle up, boys and girls, because we’re again on the same merry-go-round.
The episode starts with everyone lying around the hotel and Whitney going to Shep’s hotel room to tell him that he is skipping the day to “work.†Work? Whitney has a job? I thought this was his job? I thought partying and hanging out with questionable ladies and keeping a fleet of different illicit substance purveyors in business was Whitney’s job. Why does he need to see to this during the day?
By the pool, Madison apologizes to Olivia for coming after her at a recent dinner party. She knows what it is like to be on the outs of the group and she doesn’t want Taylor to think that her only ally is JT, Tiffany Trump’s secret love child. That is very kind of Madison, who is usually the villain around these parts, and she keeps the role of supporting Taylor later at dinner when everyone seems to be coming for her and Austen (but mostly Austen).
Meanwhile, upstairs, Olivia is getting texted the “Page Six†article before she’s even had her coffee, which is illegal in most parts of America, so that’s what you get for leaving the country. Everyone assembles in the hotel lobby, and Olivia and Taylor, who have both seen the headlines, are conspicuously ignoring each other. The other conspicuous thing is that Venita has brought a box of Veuve (presumably with a bottle in it) for their day trip. Excuse me, why are you ruining good, expensive Champagne? Is there a cooler for this? Is there a fridge on the sprinter that we don’t know about? When she drinks it later in the day, I could feel the gag rising up in my throat.
The groups divide into two groups. Shep takes JT, Olivia, Venita, and Straight Rod to a lagoon and series of waterfalls they can all climb up. Craig takes Madison, Taylor, and Austen to some blowhole. He is incredibly disappointed when he arrives to find out that there is neither blow nor hole. He asks the driver if he can be taken back to Whitney’s room for the two of them to “work†through the afternoon. Actually, where they go is pretty cool. It’s a deep lake with a cliff next to it, and they do zip lines and shit into the water. The only gross thing about it is that Taylor eats a fish eye. Um, just because this is a reality show does not mean it is Survivor or Fear Factor. You don’t necessarily have to eat gross things.
Austen doesn’t love the article, doesn’t want to face Olivia again about it, and says it contains no new information. It does, however, call their already iffy timeline into question because it says they hooked up recently. Shep says that the article makes him look like a pussy, which you wouldn’t think is that bad, but there is nothing on the face of the earth that is worse for Shep than looking like a pussy. The only way this man will ever get married is if Craig and Austen tell him he’ll look like a pussy if he doesn’t.
Both Taylor and Olivia mostly seem mad that they have to dissect this whole thing again. While Taylor is sad, Olivia is angry and I think getting angrier. She’s at the same place everyone on the trip and everyone at home is at: tell the truth already. Olivia thinks they totally fucked and, even though Austen denies it, it looks more and more likely each time we examine what really went on. It’s like an onion and we keep unpeeling the layers, but on each layer there is a naked picture of your bestie and your ex doing whatever disgusting thing Whitney is currently doing in his hotel room and considering “work.â€
The person who has great advice about the situation is Craig Conover. Who is this smart, sensitive, and righteous man, and what has he done with our Craig? Craig tells Taylor that she has to pick either Olivia or Austen, because if she wants to be friends with Olivia, she needs to show her loyalty by cutting ties. Both Craig and Madison are counseling that they should address the group and set the story straight, but neither of them wants to because they say, like a faded X-Files poster, that the truth is already out there. I think the reason they don’t want to address it is that everyone will find holes in their story so large that Craig will try to make them dive into them. Craig tells them they have to talk about it because until Olivia gets “the truth, according to Olivia,†she will be done with both of them. That is so right. Where is Craig getting this? Is the real reason Paige isn’t on the trip because she’s feeding him lines from New York like some kind of reality-TV Cyrano?
Everyone then meets up at a restaurant, but Olivia takes a FaceTime from Leva. They go over the screwy timeline, that they think they totally had sex with each other, and how it might have happened more than once. Leva also tells Olivia to get close to JT, that he picked up Taylor for Austen’s multiple times. When she does ask Mini-a-Lago what Leva was talking about, he says that Taylor told him she had slept over at Austen’s all the time. Even though she was saying it as “I’ve gotten so drunk I needed to crash on Austen’s couch before,†it’s sure not coming off that way. It’s just more lies and more obfuscation.
When the subject comes up at dinner, Venita says, in confessional, that Olivia is upset because she feels like she’s not getting the real answer. They always say it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up, and I thought they were talking about a flimsy piece of fabric you wear to the beach. No, it’s a different kind of cover-up. Like Watergate, I guess, but I thought a water gate was another name for a dam. What do I know?
As the topic comes up at the table, it gets more heated as Olivia boots up her Sarcasm Drive and tries to hold Austen accountable. He accuses her of being hot and cold with him, and she tells him it’s because just as she thinks she’s gotten the whole story, more and more about their hookup(s) washes up on shore. Olivia is rightfully afraid that she’ll forgive Austen and then find out they were going to Pound Town together for months and she’ll look like an idiot. But she already looks like an idiot. That’s what happens when you mess with Austen Kroll, the King of Giant Tongues.
When Austen tries to combat this, the newbies enter the chat, and JT and Rod rush to defend Olivia. JT then stands up, because if he sits down all of his words will be projected under the table, and he tells Austen he needs to apologize to the whole table. This is what drives me crazy about JT. The sentiment is right in that Austen needs to apologize to Olivia and probably Shep, too, not the whole damn table. Austen doesn’t even know how to spell Venita’s name; he doesn’t need to apologize to her.
Austen apologizes to Olivia, but it’s emptier than a Bobby Brown performance. Olivia tells him that he’s a lying piece of shit (no lies detected) and that she’s not surprised at his part in all of this because he’s doing just what everyone told her he was going to do. This is the same old Austen up to his old tricks.
When Taylor has a mini-freak-out, saying she can’t physically talk to Olivia today, Shep tries to get everyone to go back to the hotel. That’s when Craig tells him to shut up because they’re trying to fix these relationships. Yes, please. Fix them or end them. As long as we don’t have to fight about them anymore! That’s when Shep accuses Paige of cheating on Craig with absolutely no evidence, but we’re going to save that fight for the second part of the fight, which will happen next week. Oh, thank all of the reality gods. If I have to deal with another whole episode of the love rhombus, I think I might just throw myself into a blowhole.