I am starting to get wwwwooooorrrrrriiiiiieeeeeeedddddd about the rest of the season, y’all. (I don’t normally say y’all because I am from Connecticut, but I don’t feel like it’s cultural appropriation because we are talking about Southern Charm here.) We are seven episodes in and all we’re talking about is Austen and Taylor’s kiss. Still! Even after Olivia’s brother died and we’re still fixated on the kiss. I’m not saying it’s not worthy to focus on, but that is literally all we have. I feel like this season is like trying to walk through a snowstorm in a jock strap, just not enough coverage at all.
There were a few scenes I was excited by. One was at the top of the episode where two star-crossed lovers met on the beach. They were instantly into each other, well, she was more into it than he was, but he still gave her a sniff or two. They talked about the nose job he was going to have in a few weeks, not for cosmetic purposes, but to fix a nostril problem. Yeah, sure. This sounds like Kyle Richards’ “broken nose†all over again. They went on a nice run on the beach, getting their exercise in. Maybe too much exercise, because after the running was over he vomited right there in the sand. Not the best first impression to make, my man. Of course I am talking about the meeting of Shep’s dog, Little Craig, and Taylor’s dog, Penelope. I guess their owners were in the scene too. I don’t care.
Another great scene is when Craig is dressing for Mini-a-Lago’s party at his own social club. Wait, if we call the club Mini-a-Lago, then what will we call JT, the model for a Spirit Halloween “Presidential Offspring†costume? Anyway, Craig calls his GF Paige and tells her he needs fashion advice because he has to dress “Charleston Preppy†for this party. “Gross,†she replies with all of the accuracy in the world summoned into her phone screen. Then Craig asks out loud why he has two pink blazers. “I don’t know either,†Paige says with a level of disdain she usually reserves only for Lindsay Hubbard. This was the most comedy we got the whole episode and it was on FaceTime and not even by a member of the cast (at least of this show.)
The other great scene is when Madison is home with her hot husband, Brett. (Sorry, Rodrigo, you are still my favorite, I am not cheating, but we all have to acknowledge this guy is a “smoke show,†as someone dressed in Charleston Preppy attire would say.) Her son Hudson comes home, from where it’s unclear, and he’s crying. He’s been in a fight with some kid. But he didn’t get punched, pushed, or bruised, he got bitten. What kind of tiny little vampires are they raising down there and how did they mistake Charleston for Anne Rice’s New Orleans? I still have so many questions about where he was, what went down, how Madison reacted afterwards, and whether or not Hudson is OK. Also, if the other kid is at fault, I would hate to be his parent and have Madison shouting down the street at me for 19 full hours about what happened to her son.
Everything else in this episode — other than these three parts, Rodrigo’s very rideable mustache, and Whitney’s yellow striped Colonel Mustard outfit at the preppy party — can go get bit by one of the pee-wee vampires that are trolling southern metropolises. What is even happening here? Whitney has a bunch of dudes over and the most interesting thing happens when Whitney shows Craig that he has a cane with a flask in it. Rod and Olivia go out on a date that looks more like a shoot for the stock photo images that go in picture frames made out of driftwood that’s how stiff and contrived it seemed. Leva left her kitchen which, for her, classifies as clocking in.
Then we have the party at JT’s new event space. When Shep arrives, he says he’s been there before because during COVID, JT was operating it as a “speakeasy†when they weren’t supposed to be partying. Craig says that JT gave most of Charleston COVID and he jokes that they have their very own variant. Oh Taylor Ann’s Jesus. Would this guy, the world’s most obvious vaccine skeptic, just go to St. Thomas Florida University already. Yes, that spells STFU. I already thought he was horrible by adding to the Charleston housing shortage by using a bunch of houses as Airbnbs, now we learn that he was gleefully flouting mask mandates and other government orders? Is this man — who stands up at his own party to talk about respecting women — all of society’s ills rolled up in one little boat-shoes-with-no-socks package?
Everyone arrives for dinner, including Venita, who has to leave halfway through for “fashion week†but I think she was just as bored by this dinner and the conversation as the rest of us were. Before she goes, Madison tells her that Taylor sent a nude to Whitney and that she’s seen it. Venita then tells Leva in front of Craig. Craig then goes over to where the guys are sitting in a window seat and pops a squat on the top of the bench and puts his purple Gucci loafers on the cushions. JT yells at him for it. Um, JT, this is a former party house that you turned into an event space. He was talking about a “powder room†just for Craig. I think there is going to be a whole lot worse things that happen here than some shoes on a cushion. Anyway, Craig tells Shep that what they’re talking about has to do with him so he asks Madison what’s up and she’s like, “Your ex is a slut.†No, actually Madison was nicer about it then I ever thought she would be. Much like Ursula the Sea Witch and other villains I admire, Madison usually doesn’t shy away from starting some evil.
Since everyone is already talking about it, by the time they sit down to dinner, Taylor stops the whole conversation. She says, “Since something was brought up earlier today by Whitney, there was a picture I sent to him where you couldn’t see anything.†Madison responds that she could see her tits and her vagina and the caption “Come one, come call,†which is actually the motto at Brian Moylan’s Coffee Shop and Sex Dungeon Emporium.
I think the point that Taylor is missing isn’t what was in the nude or that you couldn’t see anything. We see everyone in confessional admitting that they have sent nudes. (You know that Austen has held more than one remote control next to his junk for scale.) There is no problem with nudes. I love nudes. (Hey Rodrigo, my DMs are open.) The point is the intent. She’s saying that she sent it to Whitney to make Shep angry. I think that is what is upsetting to people, particularly Shep. It’s also not a huge leap to think, “Well, if Taylor sent Whitney a nude to fuck with Shep, was she also kissing Austen to fuck with Shep and, if that is the case, does that mean fucking with Shep is more important to her than her relationship with Olivia.†That is the problem that is being overlooked.
I do have a problem with Madison, though, for saying that Taylor is positioning herself as this pure woman, this Jesus-loving virgin, when she is anything but. I don’t think Madison’s problem here is with Taylor, it’s with the guys. She says if she sent those pictures she would have been savaged and she’s right. These men ran her down and slut-shamed her for at least two seasons when she didn’t really do anything except show a healthy appetite for sex. As she says, she identifies as a slut, but she’s retired. (I love this line and I am stealing it. I will send Madison $.15 every time I use it.) Meanwhile, Austen was cheating on her with two women at a time and the guys don’t give a shit. As I always say, this is a show about men behaving horribly and the women who allow it.
Madison is absolutely right about this double standard and the Madonna/whore complex that everyone around this table has. (Rodrigo also loves Madonna, but in his case it is the singer and not a saintly woman.) My problem is that she is exposing this double standard by going after Taylor and attacking her. That is some misplaced anger if I ever saw it, but how else is she going to point this out without using Taylor as an example? Maybe she should direct her shouts at the boys instead of Taylor? What can I say, I’m not even especially mad at it because at least, for a few shining minutes, something freakin’ happened.