We learned a lot about our favorite boys in this episode. Much to the fulfillment of my husband’s fantasies, Craig doesn’t wear underwear under his sweatpants. (I’m starting a GoFundMe to buy him the She By Sheree “visible print line†joggers.) Just to add to the reasons why Whitney is a good catch, apparently he’s “hung like a bull.†As for Austen, he’s so bootylicious that his cheeks are putting a strain on his pair of Dockers so intense that they’re about to break free from their mooring and travel the seven seas all on their own.
Ugh, Austen, don’t go making me lust over you. He had a very good episode, so good that it almost made me not hate him for everything he did to Chelsea, that girl Victoria, Krist*n C*v*l*rri, Lindsay, Ciara, and everyone with two X chromosomes that he’s ever met. (But not what happened with Madison, that was blameless, like two Teslas in auto-pilot mode mauling each other on the interstate.) He even made a reference to the OG viral video, “Shoes,†when he said, “These shoes suck. These shoes rule.â€
His other great scene is when he goes shopping with Shep’s girlfriend-at-the-time, Taylor. He tells her that he hates the way Shep treats her, and he knows Shep isn’t a bad person, but he knows that Taylor deserves better. That seems to be the consensus around the group that one day she will wake up and realize that he treats her like shit. That day was a few months ago, and they are as broken up as One Direction.
No one seems to be on Shep’s side except for Whitney. He and Naomie talk about this other relationship while they’re on a mini date for some French wine, cheese, and meat. Hope you skipped lunch, Naomie, cause I hear that Whitney really brings a lot of meat to the table. (What can I say, I like to pick the low-hanging fruit, and, apparently, so does Naomie. HEY-YO!) Shep’s Raya profile comes up and Whitney doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He says that Shep has been loyal to Taylor for the past six or eight months. The problem is dot dot dot, they have been dating for several years. Here, I bought you a present. It’s a whole hamper full of Yikes!
During this whole interaction, Whitney is as much defending himself as he is defending Shep. He’s making excuses for why Shep might not have been on Raya. He’s trying to defend what Naomie calls “scum of the earth behavior.†He’s talking about men who get really freaked out when people push them for a commitment. Yes, she should marry him, but these red flags need to be addressed immediately.
The other red flag is that Shep says he wants Taylor to quit her job. Why? Is her job getting in the way of him getting attention from her all day, every day? Is it so that she will be financially dependent on him so that she can’t leave even after he refuses to marry her or have children with her in another ten years? Is it just because he’s that much of a tone-deaf dick? The last question should be a little more of a statement.
What is abundantly clear — and based on the preview, it will become clearer next week — is that Shep is an entitled, spoiled frat boy with no intention of changing or growing up. This man still has an Endless Summer poster in his hallway and a fridge covered in brewery stickers, including one from the nation’s foremost creator of cinder block dorm room piss water, Natty Light. Austen, Craig, and the rest talk about how Taylor never gives him any repercussions when he misbehaves, so he just keeps doing it. Um, I think the universe hasn’t given Shep any repercussions. Why would he ever have to change what he’s doing when he’s always been rewarded for just cheating on women, having temper tantrums, and treating everyone around him like they’re the reigning monarch of the Pacific Garbage Patch?
The crew goes on a trip, but who even is the crew? What even is the show? Those headed to Georgia for a weekend are Craig, Shep, Austen, Whitney, Naomie, Venita, Olivia, and Taylor. Marcie is now on maternity leave halfway through the season. Kathryn and Madison, for whatever reason, seem not to have been invited even though Shep, the nominal host, is friends with Kathryn. Pringle is so missing that most people don’t even think he’s a real human being, just a mascot on the side of every milk carton. Leva bows out because she says she can’t handle the boys always popping off at each other at every event but being fine with each other the next morning. What Leva is saying is that now that she’s on a reality show, she doesn’t want to be on a reality show. It’s like she took a job as a swim instructor and then decided that she hates the water. This has to be her last season, right?
Arriving at the “house†where they’re staying is uneventful, and no one comments on the pine stairs with the white risers like they’re in a suburban home circa 2002. I put house in scare quotes because Shep and the ladies are in an actual house, but the rest are in some “villas†nearby, but the villas seem to be, I don’t know, hotel rooms. What exactly is this place? Is this resort owned by the Queen of Versailles? Is this some down-market time-share nonsense? Will Whitney get a case of scivees (that is both scabies and hives) just pulling up to this joint? Definitely.
There is a stupid fight where the boys just yell at each other over the phone to the girls about whether or not they’re going to play tennis or sit in the hot tub. They put on their Wimbledon finery and play tennis because Shep needs another competitive atmosphere so that he can talk down to his girlfriend and look like John McEnroe but with a paunch, worse hair, and no marriage to Tatum O’Neil to build grit.
For dinner, everyone goes to Mullet Bay and does shots immediately. Craig orders one round with another one right behind. If I were more clever, I would turn this into a gun joke but fuck guns, man. Seriously. As everyone is shouting their orders of coconut shrimp at the waitress at the same time, Naomie shushes them and tells them that the waitress is uncomfortable with everyone talking at her at once.
“How many years did you serve?†Craig asks as if slinging plastic baskets of hush puppies is being in the Marines. “I was a bartender for seven or eight years. Did you work in food and bev?†Food and Bev? Who says that? I have worked in bars and restaurants and nightclubs and one gay sauna, and I have never heard anyone call it Food and Bev, though there was once a duo of plus-sized drag queens named Food and Bev at the Hamburglar Mary’s in West Hollywood.
Craig gets up from the table, saying Naomie’s behavior triggers him because it reminds him of the last year of their relationship when she was mean to him all the time. (We were there too; honestly, it was traumatic.) Craig is at the bar doing major shots and Naomie decides that this is the time to bring up that Craig said mean things about her at Friendsgiving. Seriously, Naomie. Do like Wilson Philips and hold on for one more day. Wait until he’s calm and sober to have this conversation.
Especially since the conversation is that he called her his “crazy ex.†I know this is an awful trope. I know that men should not call women crazy ever, especially when they’re acting rationally. But this is a small offense compared to all the other things he could have said about her. This warrants a, “Hey, Leva told me you called me crazy. That’s not nice. Don’t do that,†somewhere along the weekend. It does not warrant ruining Austen enjoying his pulled pork sandwich.
Craig is yelling at everyone that it didn’t happen, but thank god we have editors who will roll the tape like this is a ticker tape parade and the Red Sox just won another Siesta Bowl (does this make sense?). Ugh, this is all so stupid. This is all so dumb. Who are these people and why do we care about them? They don’t care about each other. They don’t even seem to like each other. Heck, they don’t seem to know each other. No one is asking Venita how her week was. Honestly, it was challenging. She has a rigorous social media posting schedule; she has to find new outfits and talk to her agent about getting her more lucrative endorsement deals. She had to take her dog, Charles, to the vet because they found a lump on his neck, and it’s probably nothing to worry about, but it could be cancer which would be expensive operations or just, you know, putting him down. Or it could mean nothing. She doesn’t know. We don’t know. But as tensions flare and sunspots collide on our great star making strange configurations of dark matter, I honestly would like to hear more from Venita than whatever the hell is going on here.