The real Christmas miracle in this episode is that this bizarre season is finally over. Naturally it ended with the whole disjointed cast having no idea where to sit or what to do at their big finale party. Also, in the 19th hour, Leva finally stopped talking to her son in the kitchen and showed up to something. Another Christmas miracle.
The whole episode centers on Craig’s Winter Wonderland party, which is sort of like the final cast party but also a Christmas party for Sewing Down South, the pillow business that he runs. Since he disinvited Naomie last weekend, Paige convinces him that not inviting her is going to be an even bigger thing, so he should call, apologize, and re-invite her. “Paige†is, apparently, what we’re calling the producers, because they really needed everyone at the party.
Then Paige asks if there is going to be a seating chart, and Craig says no. I hope that as soon as he said that everyone watching at home did a facepalm and said, “Craaaaaaaiiiiiiigggggg.†Paige tells him, “You don’t want Madison randomly sitting next to Olivia.†Yes, she is right. Craig says (though much later), “Who am I to tell people where to sit.†Um, you’re the host of the damn party, Craig. You’re deciding on the meal and the décor and having adorable little napkins folded like tuxedo shirts. Decide on the seats, too. This is why you should never let a straight boy throw a party. They’ll be like, “Just get some hot dogs and hamburgers, a bunch of cans of Coors Light, three folding chairs — and put on my Spotify party playlist.†That playlist is called “Bros Before Hos 2018†and definitely has “Macarena†on it.
When Craig calls, Madison and Naomie are visiting Patricia and her makeshift butler Whitney to do Chambongs, which are beer bongs in Champagne flutes. Patricia says that Champagne doesn’t get her fucked-up, but three Chambongs in, she has melted out of the sofa and is sitting on the floor talking about how shit-faced she is and staring up at the angel on her Christmas tree, which is a Barbie doll of Pat in a caftan. Perfection. Craig tells us in confessional he disinvited Naomie simply because he doesn’t want to be around her anymore, particularly because it reminds him of how mean she was to him about his sewing business. When he calls, Naomie tells him that he has promised to be civil and hasn’t done it. She doesn’t want to be around him either.
I always say that in Late Stage Housewifery (which this tangentially qualifies as), all fights on the show are about the show. This doesn’t seem like a fight about the show, but a fight because of the show. This here reality program is forcing them together once again when any other rational exes with real-people jobs just would not talk to each other, see each other at events, or have to invite each other to things. (Yes, if you have kids together, that’s a whole different thing, but luckily IUDs work.)
Before the party, Shep takes a minute out from getting ready to put on his royal blue rented tuxedo like he’s going to someone else’s junior prom, to talk to Taylor about their future. He’s laying it on thick. “I feel positive about having you in my life.†“I want to go places and have adventures and who better to do it with than you.†“I love us together.†You can see Taylor sitting across from him on the back porch wondering where he hid the ring box. It wasn’t in his pocket. Is it under this dying plant we named Tim? Nope. Is it tied to Little Craig? Nope. Where is it?
The ring does not exist. Instead, he tells her that he’s going to put $30,000 of his own money into a joint account and he wants her to quit her job and travel the world with him “until the money runs out.†This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard, and I have listened to Meghan Markle’s podcast. This is something you do with a Eurail pass and a guidebook to hostels when you’re 22. This is not something you do when you’re 42. And how far will $30,000 get you if you’re staying in nice hotels, eating in good restaurants, and flying something other than EasyJet standby? Also, she’s gonna quit her job to go on a really long-ass vacation and then come back to nothing? It’s not even long enough to rent out her house.
But, and it is a but bigger than Austen’s after leg day, this isn’t as awful an idea if they were married. Then the money isn’t just his, it’s theirs. Then she has a level of certainty that he will take care of her when she gets back until she can find another job. Then she can sell the house she’s living in, pay off the mortgage, and have money to contribute to the travel fund. The problem is that Shep thinks that he can do this instead of marriage, but having someone to do this shit with is exactly the reason you get married. Naturally, at the end of the episode, we find out that she quit her job, they went on the trip, and they broke up anyway. Just changing where you are doesn’t change who you are, and Shep refuses to compromise enough to form a lasting and stable relationship.
People start filtering into Craig’s party, and almost everyone looks amazing. I think the worst outfit of the night is Paige’s white column with a cutout on one hip. I actually don’t mind the dress, but it looks cheap. Is this Paige for FashionNova by BooHoo shipped via Shein? Both Olivia and Taylor are rocking white sparkly dresses and look amazing. My favorite dress is Leva’s, which has a weird geometric construction that exposes most of her midriff. Thank God this is eveningwear, because that would leave some funky tan lines. It isn’t giving me Winter Wonderland, but Kathryn more than makes up for it when she shows up in not only a white dress but a Little White Riding Hood fur cape with a train. She shows up at the party with Jake, whom she describes as her “new best guy.†Wait, I thought this was her party gay. Is she trying to pass him off as a boyfriend? Oh no, she confirms to Madison that he is her party gay. Phew. No need to recalibrate the old gaydar.
Venita keeps trying to talk to Naomie, and Naomie keeps avoiding her. Venita even goes up to the bar and asks if they’re okay, and Naomie says, “Yeah, we’re good,†and then walks away from a friend of Craig’s who is trying to tell her about his mother’s hip surgery. When Venita finally does pull Naomie aside, she gets an awakening ruder than a fart alarm clock. (That is something my husband invented where he farts in my face to wake me up. I did get up and walked immediately to the courthouse to file divorce papers.) Naomie tells her, “We’ve known each other for a long time and I just don’t think a deep friendship is there.†Naomie also tells her that she only thinks about herself and that they’re not friends.
What? All of this because she didn’t stand up for Naomie at the dinner table with Craig when Naomie was being as much of a jerk as Craig. Yeah, I can see how Naomie is annoyed, but she’s going to end a friendship over that? Before Venita can even speak her truth, Naomie turns to walk away. Venita is like, “Are you going to walk away without even hearing what I have to say?†Yes, she is. The way these people have treated Venita all season is a crime. They ignore her, they call her aggressive, they say she can’t bring up racism, they leave while she’s talking. All of this while she is providing a shield to a show that hasn’t bothered to confront its very recent racist past. Being a Black person must be fucking exhausting, and they are all lucky that Venita didn’t get out of her seat, light one of those fake-ass Christmas trees, and watch the whole thing burn to nothing but a cinder.
Of course, it gets to when everyone has to sit down and is like, “Is there a seating chart?†No, of course there isn’t because Craig is in charge. I don’t want to begrudge Craig any of his success and I do think that he contributes a lot to his business, even if that is just marketing and exposure. No matter how good those pillows are, people are only showing up to buy them because he has humiliated himself for almost a decade on a reality television program. However, this is why Craig should not be in charge. Everyone knew there should be a seating chart, he was too dumb to realize it and too stubborn to change it, and then there’s a disaster. We’re left with Craig saying, “You sit there. You sit there. You, move over. Okay, now you sit there.†Girl! You just do this in advance and it’s called, you know, a seating chart.
The biggest drama, though, is that there isn’t enough room at “the table†for Naomie and Leva. They have to sit at the other table. I mean, couldn’t Craig just say, “Show people at this table, muggles at the other table.†I think that’s what he wanted. I don’t know. Now Naomie feels like Craig invited her but doesn’t really want her there. Yes, exactly, but this isn’t a manifestation of that, it is just a manifestation of Craig’s incompetence.
While this is playing out, Naomie says, “This is about not allowing him to force me out of a friend group that we’re both in.†Oh, so this is a fight about the show. This is about Craig not wanting his ex on the show — a show he was on first and brought her onto and a show that she left to go be with another dude — and Naomie insisting she has as much right to be there as Craig. Got it. Got it. Sorry, I was totally wrong before.
It’s Leva who is taking it the hardest, though. She says that this is a party from hell and she can’t believe she’s not sitting with the rest of the group. Oh, Leva. She has spent all season just talking to her son in the kitchen and now she’s mad that she’s not getting a warm-enough reception at the cast party? Sorry, but the good seats are for the people earning their paychecks.
If you ask me, Leva is also out of line going to complain about Craig to his business partners. As a business owner, she should know that is putting his livelihood at risk. I’m not saying that Craig is a good business partner or that he does more work than others, but don’t trash talk the man at his own event because you don’t have a good enough seat. However, Craig was also out of line for yelling at her in the middle of the party and asking her to go. Everyone’s wrong here, everyone behaves like an asshole, and that is why we watch them on television. Extra points to Madison, who says that she loves the mess, garnering a passive-aggressive comment and backward-pointing bird from Olivia. I’m sorry, but this woman was underutilized this whole season and we can see how in this one interaction.
That’s it. That’s the end of the season, and the only really eventful thing that happened was just a bunch of people who barely know one another finally telling each other how they feel. Couldn’t this have happened in episode two? Sure, and I wish it had. But everyone this season ends up looking like a loser (except for Patricia, who has already defeated all of us at this game called life). I swear the person who enjoyed this party the most was John Pringle, and that’s because he was smart enough to not be there at all.