Usually, in the Bravo universe, when we know something is going to happen, it’s something bad: Taylor Armstrong’s husband is going to commit suicide; Kyle and Mauricio are going to get separated; Teresa Giudice is definitely going to marry that red-faced scammer without a prenup. In Summer House, we always knew that Carl would call off the wedding at the last minute and break up with Lindsay. What’s different about this one is that we all know it will happen, but it’s something good. Bullets dodged here on all accounts, and that makes watching the wedding festivities that will go nowhere a little less heartbreaking.
However, seeing Lindsay show up to her bridal shower looking stunning in that tiered, frilly white dress did sting, especially when she said that she never thought she would get to this point, that finding a life partner (vom) and soul mate (double vom) is something that would always be out of her grasp. I felt for our girl Lindsay, knowing everything that already happened.
After Paige and Craig’s sweet picnic scene, where she assures him, once again, that she will marry him, we cut to Larl’s apartment, where Lindsay is asking what went down when Carl visited his parents on the Jersey shore. (Did you know that Radke is Snooki’s last name? Well, it’s not, but that would be funny.) Carl says that Sharon and Lou wanted to make sure he and Lindsay were “on the right track.†You can tell that he wants to give Linds some indication of their conversation, but he’s also terrified to tell Lindsay the full truth about what Lou said.
But, just like a zit popping up through your concealer, the more you try to cover something up, the more apparent it becomes. Carl says he can’t be mad at his parents for being real with him, indicating that they have some kind of issue. Then he says he will do whatever he wants regardless of what they say. Lindsay, more sheepish than we have seen her in nearly a decade, asks, “Did they tell you we should break up?†Carl says “no,†reaffirming that they love her and that they are only concerned about the two of them. That’s not a total lie, but it’s also not the entirety of what they said or, honestly, capturing the sentiment of it.
The shower was absolutely gorgeous with flowers from our old friend Rachel from Winter House (Rachel, why don’t you come around more?) and a cameo from last season’s quick-talker Sam (can’t say I miss her). Paige was the only one not there, and she admits that Lindsay inviting her was a huge olive branch, but she’s not going to a shower for a wedding she wasn’t invited to (cue Paige giving side-eye while drinking from a can of Bubbly sparkling water out of a straw). Seeing Lindsay this truly happy is rare for us, and whoever gave her a bunch of lingerie packaged to look like sandwiches is an absolute genius and I would like to hire them for all celebratory occasions for the rest of my life.
It wasn’t all gifts and games, however. Sharon, Carl’s mother, is at Lindsay’s bridal shower along with Lindsay’s stepmother, Carolyn (but where was Aunt Rhonda?!), and Lindsay tells Sharon that she heard she has some concerns. Sharon defuses it nicely, saying, “As any parent would.†Lindsay says she knows they have issues and admits that she struggles with being a supportive partner to someone struggling with addiction. Sharon knows this is neither the time nor the place and tells Lindsay that she can’t wait for her to join the family and that “if we have some questions, it’s because we want the best for both of you.†Good save, Sharon.
However, her final remark is one that is absolutely unforgivable. She says that Lauren Wirkus, the old witch who lives in the woods, said she would love having Sharon as a mother-in-law so Lindsay better enjoy her, too. Excuse me? She is going to compare Lindsay to a Wirkus at her own bridal shower? Right to her face? I am sorry, I would have taken off that engagement ring right there and thrown it in on the ground and stomped on it like Rumpelstiltskin after someone guessed my name. How dare she do that to Lindsay and desecrate our television screens with flashbacks from the (shudder) pre-Paige Dark Ages.
You know we’ll get back to the Larl drama, but there are some other story lines we must discuss. Following the weekend that we’re currently watching, Jesse Solomon (always both names!) has his five-year cancer checkup and says if he’s cancer-free then it’s unlikely it will recur. We know from the trailer that the appointment does not go well and, um … what? Not me tearing up as I write this. How have I already found so much room in my heart for this man? It might have something to do with the pictures of him with long, curly hair and how hot he looked.
Jesse says that he went on two dates that week, and at dinner everyone is grilling him about his very active dating life. He says that the week is for going out on dates and the weekend is for “generating leads.†The girls are accusing him of only wanting to bang randos, which may not be true, but based on the evidence they’ve seen so far, I could see how they jumped to that conclusion. Ciara, who is seated next to Jesse at dinner, says she wouldn’t introduce any of her girlfriends to Jesse, and he takes offense to that. Oh! Is this gonna be baby’s first drama? Is this Jesse’s inauguration into in-house squabbling?
Meanwhile, West lands a job at Complex and is so pumped that he strips down to his undies (I have a feeling he would have gone whole hog if not for the cameras) and jumps in the pool as Paige reads the email saying he got the job. Our West, he’s so adorable.
However, he is in Trouble with a capital T, which rhymes with C, which stands for Ciara. When the gang gets to the house, West hangs outdoors with Lindsay and some of the other crew, and she asks him what’s up with Ciara and if they’re exclusive. West says it’s weird to be exclusive but not have sex. Lindsay asks if he’s texting other girls, which he says he is and admits to flirting with them and that his metaphorical dating door is still a bit open.
While I love that West is being transparent about what’s happening, I am torn on this whole thing. I agree with West that it is a bit long to wait to bang, especially since they both seem attracted to each other emotionally and physically. However, Ciara absolutely has every right not to have sex with him until she’s comfortable. And West is right to keep flirting with girls via text in case Ciara doesn’t work out. But I want it to work out, guys. I need this to happen, or else I will never believe in young love again, and the fact that we don’t know if West and Ciara are still an item seems to indicate that, yes, they have broken up, and I’m going to have my heart crushed.
What I love about this season, however, is that everyone is getting along so well that the gossip is a-flowing. Lindsay goes into Paige and Amanda’s bathroom to borrow some makeup and catches them talking about how much Ciara likes West. Lindsay then tells them about her conversation with West, and Amanda and Paige are slightly floored. This is why I’m so glad Lindsay is getting along with the girls.
Then Linds tells them about what happened with Sharon and how she confronted her at her shower about what was going on, and Paige and Amanda are even more floored. Then Lindsay confesses something I should have clocked from the jump, having Sharon seemingly reject her is just like the rejection she felt from her own biological mother, which is the single most defining thing that has ever happened to Lindsay. It is the Rosetta stone to all of her emotional rage. Paige tells Lindsay that Sharon would be “lucky to have her,†and the most shocking thing is that Paige meant it. How far we have come!
After this conversation, Amanda wanders upstairs looking for her shoes and finds Kyle and Carl talking about the conversation he had with Sharon and Lou. He tells both of them what Lou said about Lindsay. This leads into my favorite conversation of the episode, because you know I love it when a fourth wall is as busted as me in drag. (Seriously, I make an ugly woman and an even uglier man.) Carl acknowledges that all of this happening on television makes it that much harder, knowing that Lindsay is going to have to see that conversation.
He’s talking to maybe two of the only people in the universe who can fully understand his position. Amanda talks about how she never would have told her parents that Kyle cheated unless it was going to air on television, and Kyle talks about how that strained his relationship with his in-laws. Amanda urges him to tell Lindsay before she watches it on television, and as she walks around the bed to comfort him, we see that Amanda is truly the emotional center of this whole show.
They go outside to join the dinner, which is already in progress, and Lindsay can tell something is up. She’s asking what they were talking about, and Carl does a terrible job of trying to hide that it was something important. Yes, Amanda is right; he needs to tell Lindsay with swiftness, but did he need to do it now, while the steak is getting cold and the chef is still in the kitchen making fantasy football bets on his phone?
Lindsay naturally wants to chat rather than being uptight the whole dinner, so they head inside and Danielle’s gossip radar is up. She knows something is going on, and she wants all the details immediately, but she knows that this summer she needs to play it cool. The gang’s reactions to the conversation are the comedic counterbalance to the tragedy going on inside. Amanda says that if she were in Carl’s position, “I would run. You would never see me again.†Gabby is translating Lindsay’s body language and says she’s not giving Carl her “fighting hands,†she’s giving him her “I’m trying to explain myself calmly while being assertive hands.â€
We have never seen Lindsay be so calm. The sandwich-maker, the activated one, is nowhere in the building, and I don’t know if that shows that Lindsay, too, is having doubts at this point or if she is so confounded she can’t even go into her default mode of yelling. The calm is staggering; it’s almost somehow more terrifying than when she’s screaming. But what is clear is that Carl is terrified of her, that he doesn’t want to upset her, and that he knows he has to be honest with her about something difficult but knows the shrapnel could slice his jugular at any moment. Carl even admits he has a hard time having tough conversations with Lindsay, but the real partner for her won’t. He will know that Lindsay is real and raw and tricky. And she will know when she has a partner who can handle telling her the truth without shattering her psyche every time. We know what’s going to happen, we know how it’s going to play out, but as we see Lindsay struggling to understand Carl, and Carl trying to ward off the panic attack that is eddying in his irises, that this is good. Say it repeatedly, like a mantra, like a rosary. This is good. This is good. This is … good.