The episode opens with one of the most insane things I have ever seen on reality television. West is in the room he shares with Jesse Solomon (always both names!) and knocks on the bathroom door, which is ajar. Jesse sings back to him, “I’m poooOOOooooOOOOppppppping.” West then opens the door more and starts talking to Jesse about the convo he had with Ciara last episode. Okay, there is the possibility that Jesse wasn’t really pooping and that West knew that. However, if he really was pooping with the door open in a shared room, then he deserves a far worse punishment than getting dunked in day-old wiener juice. But if he was really pooping with the door open, why would West want to see more of it, and why would he want to talk to him? Let the man scroll Instagram while having his bowel movement in peace. Is nothing sacred? Do these boys have no boundaries?
The gang’s Fourth of July party was, dare I say it, underwhelming by Summer House standards. Yes, it was the boys versus the girls to see who could decorate better. Yes, the boys went all out with a water slide, a hot-dog cart, a dunk tank, and our favorite bromances in matching couples’ costumes (Carl and Kyle as a hot dog and bun and Jesse and West as ketchup and mustard). That seems like a lot for a backyard shindig, but there was no energy there; no one seemed into it. The weather did not look great, so maybe that was it? And despite all the programming the boys had, the girls still handily defeated them. Why? Because they had the bar, duh.
After the party, Jesse and Lexi are all snuggled up on the couch and then are all snuggled up in bed, where it seems like nothing has happened. At least I would assume so because we know the editors will spend a full eight hours watching those night-vision cameras in the bedrooms, looking for even the slightest pump, hump, or rump. There is a lot of talk about Jesse and Lexi (Lesse? Jexi?) in this episode. They go on a date to a lawn-sports-themed bar, and I can’t believe that someone hasn’t been impaled by a jart yet. They also hang out at Kyle’s rooftop party, the happy-hour mixer, and the sex-party storytime with the new addition, Imrul. Oh, and Jesse meets her parents, including her hot dad, Scott, who looks like he could Send It! with the rest of the crew if he were in the Hamptons. At Kyle’s party, Lexi asks if they’re moving too fast, and Ciara says, “Ya think?!” Even better, the next weekend, when Danielle’s in the house, West jokes that at least she’s there to tell them they’re moving too fast as she did with Larl two summers ago.
I like Lexi, and I like this romance; I really do. However, I’m getting more and more worried about Lexi in a relationship. She says she throws herself into romances because her greatest fear isn’t getting her heart broken; it’s missing out on life. That is really sweet. We should all think that way … when we’re 26. Those of us with a bit more experience know that not every person you meet and feel feelings for needs to be dived into. Some of them look appealing on the outside, but on the inside it’s just, well, day-old hot-dog water.
On their date, Lexi also tells Jesse that she’s a relationship-sex kind of girl, that she doesn’t casually date, and that she can get jealous. All of that on its own is fine. It sounds like she’s a lot like Ciara, who doesn’t sleep around and is looking for a relationship. The difference between the two is that Ciara is also the queen of the slow burn. (She can put that on a T-shirt and sell it as merch if she’d like.) Yes, we’ve seen her with a few guys over the years, but she is very, very cautious, and that keeps her heart from getting broken. Lexi, however, says she’s the opposite. What that tells me is that she falls into these clinches with guys, they get hot and heavy very quickly, and then they flame out spectacularly when the guys can’t meet her standards. I’m not saying having standards is bad or that Lexi should change hers, but being that open to exploring things and having all those caveats seems like a recipe for if not disaster, then at least a lot of drama. I love this for us as viewers; I hate this for poor Lexi and the guys she’s with.
One guy she probably won’t be with is Imrul, whom we just met this week because last weekend he was at a “play party” and couldn’t make the house. At this XXX orgy he apparently had “two and a half” partners. How do you have a half partner? Is it because they just did hand and mouth stuff and not P in V? Was it because they kinda started, and then she got bored and walked away? Was it a man? Is Imrul bi? I’d like him way more if the half-partner was a man. So far, this, being from Bangladesh, and being smashingly handsome is all we know about Imrul. I’m intrigued but skeptical of anyone who rides a motorcycle out to the house. That includes our old friend Luke.
Also joining us this weekend is returning champion Danielle. I know that reactions to her in the fandom are mixed, but I’m always happy to have one of our former Summer House–ers back for a little victory lap. We immediately get a great gem from Danielle, who asks Lindsay if she’s going to turn her gender reveal into another sponsored post. Burn! Lindsay says she would have if only she could have figured out how. You have to respect her hustle.
I’m telling you about all of these new people, getting into Jexi, and burnishing Danielle’s ego for one reason: I am putting off talking about my imaginary husband, Kyle Cooke, because I already know that he’s wrong. I love that man and even his spinning persona, DJ White Ass, with a blinding intensity, but even with what little we know about him rage-texting Paige, I know it’s his fault. Of all the jobs I’ve had — phone-book delivery person, debt collector, money taker at the Fire Island underwear party — the hardest job I will ever have is Kyle McGill Cooke defender.
At DJ White Ass’s rooftop party, Paige pulls Ciara aside to show her the screens and screens and screens of text that Kyle sent her that morning. What, was an 18-page email unavailable? Paige says Kyle was upset that her boyfriend Craig joined another hard-seltzer brand and that her best friend (and our old scourge) Hannah Berner talked some shit about him on a podcast. Without even litigating either of those claims, Paige is absolutely correct that if Kyle has a problem with either of those two people he should text them and deal with it directly. I think Kyle must know they would both tell him to fuck off in no uncertain terms, but he could text Paige, one of his wife’s besties, and she wouldn’t be able to come back at him like that. Also, why was he texting her the morning of the event? Couldn’t he say something to her in person? The whole thing makes Kyle look weak.
As for the claims themselves, we’ve seen the Kyle and Craig feud brewing (pun intended) for a while now. I’m ready to hear more, but if we know one thing about Kyle, it’s that you don’t come after his business. His wife, sure. His best friend, whatever. His stupid mullet that stayed too long, no problem. But come for Loverboy, you better watch out. As for what Hannah said, she says she got fired from Summer House for doing an ad for another hard seltzer. Wait. Did we watch the same show? I thought Hannah got fired for being horrible at reality TV and because all the fans hated her? I’m sure this seltzer might have had something to do with it, but pinning it all on Kyle seems crazy. I also dug up the “’Page Six’ exclusive” that Paige says Kyle “lied through his teeth” in, and, well, it doesn’t’ seem that bad. But it looks like it’s all going to blow up next week, and I will have to write the millionth chapter of my upcoming book, Why I Love Kyle Cooke Even When I Know He’s Wrong. It definitely won’t outsell Paige and Hannah’s upcoming Giggly Squad book.