The second Sunday in February happened, and you know what that means: We have witnessed all of the Super Bowl … commercials! Yes, the main event was the Chiefs winning, but the real main event is all of America’s companies putting their best minds and biggest budgets together to create the commercial most likely to be quoted by sixth-graders. In the age of the internet, however, commercials are encroaching on Grammys territory, not only by booking a DJ but also by sharing teasers weeks in advance to drive the hype. Capitalism truly does breed innovation. Or endless nostalgic repetition. Case in point: An old Office joke returns. Below, the best, worst, and Beyoncé-est ads.
Verizon Preannounces Renaissance Act II
Ahead of Beyoncé’s album-release announcement, she recorded a little spot with Tony Hale. Like, an announcement of the announcement.
Dunkin’ x This Is Me … Now Cross-Spon
The family that promotes together, stays together. And by “family,” we mean Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. The Boston Boys were joined by J.Lo, Fat Joe, and Tom Brady. Also appearing: a poster for This Is Me…Now. Not in this commercial but appearing in the other Dunkies spots: Charli D’Amelio and Jack Harlow.
Michael Cera’s Stolen Skincare Valor
Finally, those paparazzi shots of Michael Cera carrying hella bag of moisturizer make sense.
Cry, Weakling
Someone in a boardroom somewhere put the word pathos on a big board, and this is what we ended up with: a Google Pixel commercial in which a blind man can get a picture of his child and wife because of his phone. Adorable? Yes. Manipulative? Text me about it on my new Google Pixel.
Support Heidi N Closet’s Check, Please
E.l.f. has a strong contingent of celebrities involved in its Super Bowl ad: Judge Judy, Meghan Trainor, Suits cast members, Ronald Gladden, and, most important, Drag Race star Heidi N Closet. Being soft and supple (and booked and busy) is her game.
Cetaphil Gets Some of That Swiftie Love
Cetaphil is making a big play for “commercial most likely to make Chiefs dads cry during the game.” To be fair, there’s a lot of heightened emotions during the Super Bowl anyway, so that might be an easier category than “commercial most likely to make dads cry during reruns of Ghost on CBS,” or whatever else dads watch. Still, the Taylor Swift x Girl Dad commercial is pretty effective — whoever thought up that friendship-bracelet shot should get to make a short film, stat.
Big 12 Months for Horses
Following the Ken of it all, it’s safe to say this is a big year for horses. In the new Budweiser commercial, a snowstorm makes it so cars can no longer deliver beer. The solution? Horses. And that’s called horsepower.
Randall Park Resurrects The Office’s Asian Jim Prank
If you watched the teaser for writer-director John Krasinski’s upcoming film If, you might be puzzled as to why Randall Park gaslights Ryan Reynolds into believing he’s the one who made the upcoming fantasy comedy. It is truly bizarre out of context. For people who are confused, the teaser stems from a prank pulled in an episode of The Office where Randall Park’s character does the same thing to Dwight. It’s a high-concept, ultrameta teaser, we’ll give them that.
Just Hold on We’re Speeding Home
This Toyota commercial’s audio sounds like a network TV sex scene, but it actually features people hanging onto the Tacoma handle for dear life and screaming with fear, not delight. Hopefully, the people listening to the TV while getting more dip in the kitchen don’t make any assumptions.
American-Grown Couch Potatoes
Farmers are growing couch potatoes galore in the Pluto TV Super Bowl spot. We are particularly fond of the gay, Housewives-loving couch potato. Would certainly make him into waffle fries.
Ice Spice Won’t Take Her Ex (Soda) Back
You thought I was feelin’ you? Ice Spice refuses to get back together with her ex lemon-lime soda because Starry is simply more refreshing. Sprite think he the shit? He not even a fart.
The Epic Highs and Lows of Super Bowl Ads
In the commercial for Reese’s new caramel-infused peanut butter cups, the audience goes through emotions as more updates are shared. We are particularly fond of the young man kissing the grandma at the end — love is love.
Chocolate Bops Around
One of the most low-key commercials of the evening released thus far is the Lindt Chocolate commercial featuring a flying chocolate ball set to Perry Como’s “Round and Round.” I would simply catch and eat the chocolate, personally.
Aubrey Plaza Blasts Off
There’s nothing Aubrey Plaza loves more than having a blast. No, really. In the Mountain Dew Super Bowl commercial, she’s having deadpan fun in loads of situations, including riding dragons with her Parks and Rec pal Nick Offerman.
Greek Yogurt Is Like Popeye’s Spinach
Martin Lawrence and Shannon Sharpe are starring in Oikos’ Super Bowl spot, with Lawrence getting to be the strongman for a change. Apparently, Greek yogurt turns him into Mr. Incredible.
Lighters Are Not Just for Weed
BIC knows what its lighters are for (weed, blunts, doobies, etc.). But that doesn’t mean it’s going to say it. The company’s new commercial features Willie Nelson, Martha Stewart, and Snoop Dogg chatting over Zoom about the benefits of BIC lighters, which are the best at lighting … candles.
It’s a 30 Rock (and Glenn Close) Reunion
A booking.com Super Bowl commercial sounds like the kind of thing Jack would force Liz to write on 30 Rock — but now she’s starring in one. Tina Fey booked booking.com alongside her 30 Rock co-stars Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer. Also Glenn Close. Why not?
Christopher Walken Is My Boo
Foo Fighters. There — we got it out of our system. A new BMW commercial gives a tease of what it would be like to be Christopher Walken, and, man, is it bleak. Everybody doing impressions of you all the time to you. Even Usher?
You Too Can Have Too Much Stuff
DoorDash is promising to send one lucky winner everything from all the Super Bowl ads. Who has space for that? How many cars is that? This simply cannot be feasible.
The Babies Are Still Going
E*Trade is still running with that baby thing, this time putting ’em on the pickleball court to talk mad smack about saving for “retirement.” Still, to anyone under 40, the idea of retirement is the biggest joke.
The French Like Cheese
Etsy, it turns out, is not just a super-common crossword clue; it’s also a website! Specifically, the crafting website that you use to buy personal gifts now has a “gift mode.” Cheese lovers, consider asking for gift cards.
Jason Momoa, Zach Braff, and Donald Faison Star in Flashdance (T-Mobile Version)
Jason Momoa doing a shimmy and singing into a chicken wing fashioned as a microphone is not how we thought this T-Mobile commercial would go, but alas, the company seems to like fun. Rounded out by Zach Braff and Donald Faison, the trio parody Flashdance. With a cameo from the original film’s star Jennifer Beals, they try to make the case that home internet is really something to sing about.
Twins Reunion!
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito linked back up for the State Farm commercial. Two pals of wildly different heights (and wildly different levels of ability to pronounce the letter R) who simply care about your insurance!
Post Malone Goes on a Magic-Carpet Ride
What would you wish for if you could wish for anything? Is it value beer, Post Malone, and a bartender who has been mutated in order to give you more, on-tap value beer? Then this commercial is for you.
TSA Confiscates Eric Andre’s Drumstick
Forget about all the pro-TSA propaganda spouted in Get Out. In reality, the airport security agency is out here doing quite nefarious stuff, like stealing Eric Andre’s carefully packed Drumsticks, even though you can bring anything frozen through the checkpoint. Criminal.
Kate McKinnon’s Cat Is a Tabloid Feature
The word mayo kinda sounding like meow is the central pitch of this Hellman’s commercial, which debuted January 30 and stars Kate McKinnon, Kate McKinnon’s cat, and Pete Davidson, who somehow squeaks a cameo into a 30-second ad. How much do you think Davidson made for his two seconds of screen time? Actually, don’t answer that.
Paramount+ Forms a Supergroup
An animated child, a pig, a dolphin, and a talk-show host walk into a commercial … You know how that one ends. Paramount+ released its official big-game ad on February 1, featuring a bevy of its biggest leads, including the stars of Reno 911, The Drew Barrymore Show, Star Trek: Picard, Survivor, Hey Arnold, Peppa Pig, and the Miami Dolphins. Plus Creed. Creed isn’t on Paramount+, but we’re still happy to have them.
Pete Davidson Plays Video Games
When you search “Totino’s SNL,” an ad starring former cast member Pete Davidson is probably not what you’re looking for. Still, that’s what we have to offer here. Davidson makes his second appearance on this list, delivering pizza rolls via robot. We’d play that game.
Rob Riggle’s Still Got It
If you can make it through the Miller Lite commercial, out January 28, without simply staring at Rob Riggle’s extremely prominent nipples, you deserve a Super Bowl ring of your own.
The Non-Brooklyn Mullet
In Kawasaki’s full Super Bowl spot, released January 25, there’s a lot of mullets: mullets on men, on bears, on eagles, on bald men, on turtles, etc. And they’re all brought on by the simple pleasure of driving an ATV real fast. But coastal elites beware: These are rural mullets, not Brooklyn mullets.
Messi Earns Time at the Other Football Event
Globally, if someone mentions a “football star,” they’re picturing Lionel Messi, not Taylor Swift. Michelob Ultra is betting on that appeal. The brand’s full Super Bowl spot, released February 1, features Messi playing footie against drunk people at the beach, which is not really a fair fight. There’s also cameos from a man who knows this type of football well, Ted Lasso himself Jason Sudeikis, and Dan Marino, a former NFL Hall of Fame QB who is probably more familiar with the American version.
A New Catchphrase Is Debuted
Perhaps the only thing more exciting in American culture than a new movie franchise is when a company debuts a new catchphrase. We have fun here. Oreo is making a play for one in its Super Bowl commercial, out January 31, with “Twist on it.” In its telling, when you twist an Oreo, the side that the frosting stays on can decide what your next move is. Move over, coins! And if you can’t get enough “Twist on it,” there’s a 90-second version as well.
What to Forget?
Something to keep in mind: In order to remember Uber Eats’ capacity for delivery, you must simply forget the entirety of the TV show Friends. To some, that seems like a fair trade. As long as we get to remember the Morning Show.
Jenna Ortega’s Abuelas
Jenna Ortega’s abuelas are action movie stars, because of course they are. Their mission, should they choose to accept it, is to get the last bag of Doritos Dinamita. And they’ll pull off whatever stunts they need to in order to get it.
Crisp Rat Has a Pringles Stache
Crisp Rat is the new Pringles mascot, and he has the handlebar mustache to prove it.
Gummy Dance
The commercial for the Nerds features an anthropomorphic gummy doing the Flashdance water scene, except it’s getting showered with Nerds. Then, after the audience has formed an emotional connection to the gummy, he gets eaten by Addison Rae. What a monster!
Chicken Technology
Ken Jeong stars in the story of a man born before Popeyes was created. Sad. But now he wakes up from a cryogenic freeze and gets to try its food. Happy!
Beer Said Knock You Out
Coors Light doesn’t discriminate against genre, with an ad featuring both recently minted country-music Grammy winner Lainey Wilson and LL Cool J helping fix an awkward family moment. A testament to the power of beer.
Car History
Volkswagen made a play for being your dad’s favorite commercial by focusing on car history. This commercial is basically the equivalent of reading a full nonfiction book, right? Log it on Goodreads now.
This story has been updated throughout with new ads.