There are two tracks that every Survivor episode in the “new era” takes: The Game and The Dream. The Game is everything we’re used to: forming alliances, finding idols, fighting it out at challenges, politicking around camp. You know, Survivor. The Dream (not to be confused with Dreamz), as I like to call it, is people on the show talking about how much they love the game of Survivor and their experience with it. If I’m being honest, this is one dream I would like to wake from.
The Dream was on full display at the top of the episode, where, for the first time, we saw many of the contestants’ reactions when they were informed they were going to be on the show. Guess what? They were excited. What? Were people who applied to be on their favorite reality show happy when they got selected? No way! That’s crazy! Then, when everyone finally gets to the beach, Jeff goes around and asks something like, “You there in the front; why did you apply?” Add this to the ever-growing list of things that drive me crazy about Jeff. In every single premiere, he does this. “You there in the orange shirt,” he says. Then, ten minutes later, in the first challenge, he is shouting every single person’s name as they writhe through the mud. Jeff, we know you know who they are. Why are you pretending?
We learn absolutely nothing from these questions Jeff asks. Kevin and Mitch say they thought they could be on when they saw someone like them on TV, and that’s great; representation matters. But this is one of the most diverse shows on television. There isn’t a person alive who couldn’t find someone like them on at least one of the 500-plus episodes of this show. Chrissy just says she was on the couch and decided to give it a shot. As John Oliver says, cool. Why are they pushing people to apply? Is there some kind of casting crisis on Survivor? Jeff is always saying, “Millions of people applied and you were selected.” Okay, so if they have plenty of people applying, why are you still trying to cajole all of us into playing? Why are you trying to illustrate to your audience how awesome Survivor is? We know! We’re already here! We’ve been watching this M-er F-er show for forty M-er F-er eight seasons now. Give The Dream a rest, and let us watch The Game.
That’s what they do with a challenge to win camp supplies. It’s a combination of the same old things: crawl through the mud, carry some heavy shit, get a key, balance some bags on platforms. Lagi (Purple, representing the entire sky) is the winner, and they get their pot, machete, and flint. As for the other two tribes, they each send one person to see if they can win their supplies in another challenge. Civa (Orange, representing the sun) sends Kyle, and Vula (Green, representing the moon) sends Kevin, who hurt his shoulder in the challenge and didn’t really get to show off his skills. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. According to The Dream, the show now only has superfans who have seen and studied every single episode of this show. For the past several seasons, the challenge has been either a puzzle or a physical test. This tribe chose to send the injured player to something that might be a physical challenge. These dreamers are still dreaming, but the alarm is going off.
When K & K Music Factory arrives at their little island destination (where they wouldn’t even let them wash off the mud from the first challenge), they find out that they each have a path, they need to get their machete and pot by “any means necessary,” and then they’ll get to a water jug that they have to fill up to get a key to float to the top. The key unlocks the flint, and whoever unlocks it first wins, and the other one is sent home, still muddy, to explain to their tribe what happened.
Kyle rushes all around, not thinking about what he’s doing, and Kevin, with a bum shoulder, takes a slow-and-steady approach. He gets his machete and opens a coconut to get out a key to unlock it. He uses a giant bamboo to get his pot off of a tall pole while Kyle exhausts himself cutting the pole down. Then, at the water jug, Kevin again goes slow and fills up his jug just as fast as Kyle, who is just spilling water everywhere using a tsunami-type approach. But then Kyle is going so fast that his pot breaks the water jug. It’s over for him. But, to the man’s credit, he then helps Kevin fill up his jug so that they can get out of there faster. Kyle was probably just thinking, What do I need to do to get back to my beach and wash the mud out of my taint?
When Kyle arrives on the Civa beach, he says he’s going to lie to everyone and tell them that he’s a high-school English teacher instead of a lawyer. Why? Why?! Why?! Lying about what you do for a living is so freaking stupid, just like lying about your age, as Sue did last season. You are going to have to lie about so many other things in this game, them knowing he’s a lawyer will do nothing to change whether or not the tribe is going to bond with him and think that he’s worthy. Know what will? The fact that he’s lying to them from the beginning. He says, “I don’t mind showing up to a party late, but I’m showing up to a party late with a costume on.” This is not The Traitors. No one is forcing him to hide his identity. The fact that he wore a costume is on him, and it’s stupid. You get no sympathy for unforced errors.
Most of the episode, of course, is spent getting to know the tribes. I’m taking an immediate liking to Thomas, a fellow mustachioed homosexual with no physical prowess whatsoever. This is the representation I’ve been needing on this show. The Dream has awakened within me. I’m applying! Thomas finds an immediate connection to Bianca, and they decide to work together. Saiounia (heretofore known as “Sai” because my typing fingers are lazy) just walks up to Justin and Cedrek and, without even a word, is like, “Let’s lock down this three.” Kevin links up with Mary and they decide that they’re going to be besties.
What is up with all of these people just deciding on their alliances within 30 minutes of meeting? On romance shows like The Bachelor, viewers are always saying, “How can you be in love? You’ve known each other for two weeks.” This is the Survivor version of that. What if the person is wildly erratic? What if they lie to everyone? What if they have body-odor issues and you need to vote them out just because they smell? No one knows! I think they should give it an afternoon, at least.
The biggest bond that formed the most quickly, however, is between female hockey player Eva and hunky fire captain Joe over on Lagi. They just decide that they’re going to be each other’s “ride or dies.” You don’t even know this man’s last name. How can you choose that? But Eva, who is autistic, does something to form a bond with Joe. She tells him about her autism to show that she trusts him and lets him know she doesn’t want it to be a big thing, but since they’re going to work together, she fills him in. She even goes so far as to explain that sometimes she has “episodes” and needs someone to ground her by squeezing her. She has him demonstrate squeezing her hands to practice.
Eva not telling everyone about her autism is totally different from Kyle telling people he’d rather grade a bunch of essays written by ChatGPT about The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter than work on a bunch of contracts. Eva is right; when people find out that she can’t pick out liars, they will totally use her autism against her. It is, at least in this game, a detriment that needs to be hidden long enough for her to develop relationships. Meanwhile, her social game may be the best so far. Joe, one of the hardiest players in the game based on appearance, loves this girl so much that he’s crying about her in his confessionals. She forged a deep and meaningful bond very quickly, and that is the true currency of Survivor.
There is an argument about whether or not people should be playing or forging bonds over at Vula. Stephanie is sitting with Mary and Sai, talking about how she went to Reiki once because she thinks authentic relationships are the key to the game. She’s not wrong, but no one wants to listen to you talk about Reiki, sister. Meanwhile, Sai is hot to play and gets the guys together to help her look for a hidden immunity idol. She eventually finds one, and it’s a cylinder that looks like a giant lock you’d put on your high-school locker. It comes with a code of six numbers in different colors, but the lock isn’t numeric. It’s alphabetical.
Sai shows her prize to all the guys, hoping they’ll help her decipher it. It won’t budge, but eventually, she figures out it has something to do with the weird colored symbols of animals all around the camp. Then it dawns on her that the color of the numbers given to her with the codex refers to each of the animals, the number refers to the number-letter in their name, and then Cedrek helps her figure out all the letters that spell listen. Oh, so the production crew are members of the Beyhive. I never would have gotten this because the “bird” symbol is clearly an “eagle,” and I would have had the letters wrong the whole time. Anyway, Sai finally gets it and retrieves her idol, but she didn’t need all of that help. Why isn’t anyone keeping any of these hidden immunity idols hidden?
There’s an immunity challenge with a sled, sandbags, a ramp, and a puzzle at the end that decides it all. Stephanie did not have enough Reiki to figure out the logo puzzle, and Vula is going to Tribal Council. Back at camp, there are two different camps (he-he). Sai and Cedrek want Stephanie to go because she sucks at puzzles. Stephanie and Mary want Sai to go because she’s playing too hard and can’t be trusted. Kevin and Justin, the long-haired pizza guy who we barely heard from, are in the middle and can’t figure out what to do.
At tribal, after more discussion about The Dream and the difference between thinking about Survivor at home versus actually playing is center stage. Then we get stuck in this protracted metaphor between Sai and Stephanie, which pretty much sums up this vote. Sai says, “If you’re on the beach the first day and just looking at the stars when you can see the stars at home, then you are selling yourself short.” Well, I live in a city, so I can’t see the stars, but whatever. Stephanie says that if you’re playing too hard, then you miss the experience, miss getting to know people, and miss forging bonds. Stephanie is looking at the stars, but Sai is looking at the ground, always hunting for idols and playing the game too hard. The best way to play Survivor, as Kevin points out, is somewhere in the middle. You need alliances and advantages, the social and strategic games to go far. I think not knowing that will be to both of their detriments.
Definitely it is to Stephanie’s detriment, because she goes home after playing her Shot in the Dark, better known as the sorriest twist that has outstayed its welcome. It seems like looking at the stars didn’t work out, but if Sai doesn’t look up from the ground, she’s also gonna get whacked without even seeing it.