Sometimes, the passage of time is immeasurably slow. Time can be measured in epochs and geological shifts. There are moments in our history that make time feel almost incomprehensible in its span — like that fun fact you’d find under a Snapple cap: “Cleopatra lived closer in time to the moon landing than she did to the building of Pyramids of Giza!” Time moves in mysterious and imperceptible ways. But then … you remember:
HOMETOWNS ARE NEXT WEEK?!?!? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SINCE WHEN? SINCE WHAT? HOW? HOMETOWNS? WHEN YOU SAY HOMETOWNS, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THE FINAL FOUR? WE’RE ELIMINATING DOWN THE TO FINAL FOUR????
Somehow, this season has moved into the most intimate and important episode of the whole season, but I know absolutely nothing about any of these women, and someone who has never gotten a one-on-one is headed to hometowns. Are you fucking kidding me? Everything is upside down! And I don’t know about you, but much like Carolina, I’m not having a good time!
Before the episode started, I tried racking my brain for romantic moments, signs of true chemistry and passion between Grant and his remaining ladytestants — and I was coming up empty. This season feels sterile in a way. Part of it is Grant telling every woman that she’s beautiful and he can see her as A Wife. Not always “his wife” but “A Wife.” I guess instead of that Predator vision, Grant has “WifeVision,” where he scans every woman over the age of 25 who comes across his vision for her wife abilities and pictures her with a veil on. Beep, beep, beep, wife detected. The other thing giving this season a really cold quality is, HAS ANYONE SAID, “I’m FALLING FOR YOU?”?? Again, I racked my brain to remember who had said those magic hedging words, and I could only come up with images of the women saying, “I really like Grant.” You really like him? This isn’t the Seventh Grade Mermaids Under the Sea Spring Dance. This is The Bachelor!
Let’s get into it.
We start the episode with some Captain America and the Winter Solider BIG ASS TEXT, letting us know we’re in Edinburgh, Scotland. We somehow missed the morning meal, where all the women had some haggis. Zoe starts the episode by saying she hopes she gets a one-on-one because she’s the only one who hasn’t had one, and her hometowns are next week. Hometowns are next week. Grant says that the vibe in Scotland is exactly what he needs: gray and cloudy. Huh? Everyone keeps saying the rain is romantic. But this is drizzling rain. That’s only if you’re cuddled up in a blanket with someone, and you’re eating microwave popcorn, watching a rom-com. But even that is like a six out of ten romantic. More romantic would be getting caught in a downpour on a hot summer day, racing to the front porch, and then making out. That’s a ten out of ten. Leave your rain rankings in the comments below.
This week there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. Zoe has crossed all her fingers and toes, and nope, it goes to Juliana, who also hasn’t gotten a one-on-one. Juliana gets the Princess Date (shopping, princess cosplay, awkward dancing), so let’s just put her in the final two, please. I guess we had to wait for the Princess Date until we reached a castle-based European City. Madrid is more plaza-based. Juliana races out to the lawn of the hotel, and Grant waits to take her in a helicopter. The ladytestants all watch them take off, and Carolina whines, “I’m not jealous; they’re gonna have so much fun,” and Alexe says, “You went on a private jet, babe.” It’s almost as if Carolina is constantly forgetting what has happened to her on this television show and definitely doesn’t see anything that’s happened to her as a positive. “I’m at such a disadvantage because I got to kiss Grant in Las Vegas. That’s bad luck!”
I’m not just saying Juliana is making it to the final two because she gets the Princess Date but also because Grant and Juliana are positively giddy around each other. He’s really attracted to her. At one point, she says, “I’m literally a princess today!” and he goes, “You’re a princess always.” Yeah, he’s INTO her. Grant also says in a confessional that he feels like he’s in The Fresh Prince. The Fresh Prince was like … a metaphorical princehood. And he never wore a kilt. Okay, Grant. Sure. The only other interesting thing that happens on this date is when Juliana finally gets her princess gown. Well, it’s not a princess gown; it’s totally a Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend pink gown. Can we be thematically coherent or nah? She enters the final ball and greets Grant with “Hi, boyfriend.” He gives her a tennis necklace. (So what … was this a Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend–themed date? Or castle? Or Bridgerton? PICK A THEME!) They are a couple. They go together.
When it comes to the emotional conversation in the evening portion of the date, this is the first time really we’re learning about Juliana. She says that she’s not all nice and smiles and is happy all the time. She’s had difficulties in her life because she had (what sounds like) an immediate family member struggling with addiction. You can almost see Grant light up when he realizes he has this in common with Juliana and starts to talk with her about how much he wants to be there for her because she dealt with the same thing. Please, please forgive me for the very dated and potentially problematic language I’m about to use, but Grant is a real Captain Save-a-Ho. But I think the ho in question is himself. Every conversation about the future and family and a partnership he has comes down to two things: He wants to carry the weight for his partner and he wants to rewrite or reimagine himself and his upbringing with his own family. That is … a lot. Both of my parents are doctors who treat addiction, so the language of recovery and the dangers of addiction were just as familiar to me as a kid as Dr. Seuss (forgive me for bringing up another problematic king). Grant seems to be moving through a few of the archetypes of the children of addicts. His lone wolf vision of himself seems to be a little bit like that of the “Lost Child,” and the way he wants to build the perfect family sounds a little like “The Superhero.” This is all … a lot, and I would love to hear what he’s done in his own life to seek some therapy or attend some recovery meetings for family members of people with addiction. Because it all seems to be resting on “I’m going to get married and build my own family and rewrite my past.” That’s a lot, and hometowns are next week. There are no roses on any of the dates for some weird fucking reason, but Juliana is getting a Hometown date, no doubt. They get fireworks. I’m ready to call it.
Next is the group date. It’s Sarafiena, Alexe, Carolina, Dina, and Zoe. I’m sorry — putting Zoe on this date was nasty work. It’s the Highland Fair or whatever. It’s clear there were some small activities planned, then a big finale competition, but before that can go down, Carolina runs off because she’s just SO UPSET. The other women are PISSED. There’s a moment where they have a tarot reading, and the reader asks Carolina her sign, and she goes, “Why don’t you guess?” Biiiiiiitch … you gotta go home. You’re being rude to the local talent. Everyone else keeps saying, “I’m here. I have a positive attitude. She’s being a damsel in distress,” and they’re not wrong. Their mistake is thinking this is a “Have the best attitude competition” when it’s really “get the most time with the lead competition.” So Carolina goes and sits by herself, and I don’t know, look out over the loch. Grant stops the fun to go check on her. See? Save-a-Ho. Carolina’s mistake is that she can’t turn off her bad attitude when the lead comes over. She can’t shift into “I’m struggling, but it’s all worth it because it’s you” when Grant just really needs her to say something along those lines. He calls out that she sounds sarcastic and like she doesn’t want him to ask her what’s wrong. A man that will stop what he’s doing to ask you what’s wrong when you’re performatively pouting? Girl! That’s the dream! She mostly can’t handle that she got an early one-on-one and can’t see relationships progressing. In the grand scheme of the season, it wasn’t that early, though. They each want the other one to just say, “I’m going home” or “I’m sending you home,” but they’re not allowed to say that. Also, Carolina can’t admit defeat just to be sent home. Grant says at some point, this needs to be behind them. They agree to have a good rest of the day, but that romantic rain comes back, so the rest of the day is canceled.
The women have formed a hive mind against Carolina, led by Dina who feels betrayed that she defended Carolina. The women keep framing it as Carolina doing this on purpose, and I don’t think she really is. I think a few things are probably happening that are classic Bachelor: Carolina probably thought she had this in the bag at the beginning of the season, she’s probably not great at connecting with other women of her equivalent hotness, and she’s getting rewarded by the lead for doing this! She doesn’t see what she’s doing as against the other women because it’s working on Grant! They could do the same thing!
Grant takes the ladies aside to talk about hometowns, but that’s insane and makes no sense. Sarafiena is like, “I really like him,” and we’re talking about hometowns. Everyone, get a fucking grip.
At a certain point, Dina lashes out at Carolina and accuses her of not respecting the other women and not being accountable. And I’m sorry, Law & Order: Bachelor, these are just not the correct arguments. Carolina is under no obligation to respect anyone or be accountable, and if you get played, that’s your own fault for defending the season villain. The other women demand that Carolina be grateful and not monopolize Grant’s time. Carolina got a real laugh out of me when she said, “I didn’t know it was going to start raining.” Sarafiena says she can’t deal with Carolina’s one-liners, and I don’t think Carolina is that funny, y’all. You are just too wound up. At the end of the night, Dina asks Carolina how her night went, and Carolina says, “Considering everything, as good as it could have gone,” and this makes everyone furious. What do you want her to say? Stop asking! Dina sits down with Grant and basically tattles that Carolina only thinks of herself and she’s ungrateful. I usually hate this move, but Dina lays the flattery on so thick it’s hilarious. “You’re smart, you’re intuitive, you make good decisions.” Is she writing him a college recommendation letter? The night ends with Grant having a lot of thinking to do.
It’s time for Litia’s one-on-one date. They get the “Live like the locals” date, and it really sells me on Edinburgh. It looks cute as hell! This date doesn’t really sell me on Litia. She’s got a bit of a baby voice and has this weird quirk of finishing Grant’s thought quietly when he’s speaking. At one point, they’re in a pub, and he says, “I remember what you were wearing that night,” and she quietly goes, “gray dress.” Like a mom helping their child practice their science fair presentation. Maybe she’s trying to say what he’s saying in unison but he moves onto a different thought. It’s very silly to watch.
The real point of interest is the evening portion of their date. They talk about what Litia’s hometown would be like, and y’all … she’s Mormon. She was raised in the Mormon church and presumably still a Mormon. And it seems like she’s trying to slow roll how important being Mormon is and Grant is trying to figure out what aspect of his emotional wounds fit perfectly into her emotional wounds. Listen, if you’re Mormon, go off. But the Mormon Church is a WHOLE THING. I watch Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. This is a faith that just accepted Black people not that long ago. I want you to picture a person who was born the same year the Mormon church lifted restrictions on accepting Black members. Did you picture Usher?? Because they only lifted restrictions on Black people in 1978. This isn’t just like “we’re conservative.” Grant is like, “Yeah, I pray? I would want my kids raised with religion, sure,” but his main conversation with Litia is him talking about how he spent a lot of time as a kid alone. He would go eat dinner alone in his room and his family wouldn’t eat together. The whole “rewrite your past” comes up again, and this time, it makes him cry as he talks about his relationship with his father and how much he craves and desires a family. Litia lights up at the fact that she can possibly give him that. My scalp started crawling when Grant was telling himself, “All right, let’s stop crying,” and Litia was cradling his face and saying, “You’re perfect. You’re enough. You’re perfect.” Guys! Guys! Guys! What’s happening?!??! I just remembered Heather Gay from RHOSLC saying that perfection is an unofficial tenet in the Mormon church.
Grant also says, “When two people meet and they’re both ready, amazing things can happen.” See? His light is ON! They dance to a song about finding someone who cares, and Litia has the most chill “I’m in love” confessional. What a low-key reaction. “Do you love him?” “Yeah.” She says this with the same tone as “Do you want to see The Wild Robot?” “Yeah, I could see it.”
It’s time for the rose ceremony, and there’s no cocktail party! We’re getting right down to it! Carolina pulls Dina aside, and Dina asks, “Wait, is this real?” after they’re all lined up. Carolina apologizes, and they say I love you, and this is weird. Hard pass. Both of them secure their stays in Paradise if they don’t end up with Grant.
Time for the roses: Litia, Juliana, Dina, and Zoe all get roses. WHAT A TRULY BIZARRE FINAL FOUR. WHAT CHOICES WERE MADE. For everyone to be sent home, Alexe, Sarafiena, and Carolina all said they were blindsided: something went wrong. Either pacing or once they all saw Grant tell everyone, “You’re beautiful, and you are wife-shaped.” And I imagine we’ll find out soon enough. See you next week if Juliana’s family has an issue with Grant kissing their daughter! Fun!