I know I said this all last week, but I can’t tell y’all how excited I am that my first time in the saddle recapping The Bachelorette is the franchise’s best season in years. I was so worried that these recaps would be real bummers as I complained about the circular dramas and drudgery that had come to dominate late-stage Bachelorette seasons. Instead, we’re getting one of the best Bachelorettes to ever do it, conflicts that feel earned, and some welcome format shake-ups that bring fresh energy rather than breaking the show.
One such format shake-up: We don’t see Jesse Palmer at all in this episode. (We hear his voice in a post-credit stinger.) My esteemed colleague Devon Ivie made the case that the ousting of Chris Harrison made it clear how inessential the show’s host really is. Case in point: I didn’t notice Jesse’s absence until my husband pointed it out after the episode had finished airing. Maybe he got distracted wandering around the French Quarter.
Oh yeah, we’re in New Orleans now. We get all the classics of a new location: contestants half-heartedly yelling “We love New Orleans!†over the side of a boat; declaring “It’s the perfect place to fall in loveâ€; butchering the city’s motto. We also find out that Aaron is maybe from New Orleans? But his chyron says San Diego, and when he mentions Charity meeting his family, they’re in Houston, so I’m not really clear on his connection to the city. [Okay, hi past Emily, it’s Emily from the future. I looked it up — Aaron went to Tulane, so NOLA is his college town. Also, you should only eat half of that turkey sandwich for lunch; I have a tummyache now.]
But speaking of meeting his family, everyone’s talking about how hometowns are next week??? This season is flying by! I am so torn because, on the one hand, this season is great and I don’t want it to end, but on the other, I think part of why it’s so good is because there’s less manufactured filler. Less manufactured filler leaves more time for organic conflicts to arise. For example, Sean and Tanner are both sad about not getting one-on-ones. And this week, they’re put on a two-on-one. That’s GREAT. Usually the two-on-one date is reserved for when the girlies (gender-neutral) are fighting. In another season, it would have been Brayden and Aaron on the two-on-one, and the whole date would be about the dragon slayer vs. the dragon. That can be fun to watch (see: Ben Higgins’s iconic two-on-one where all-time-great reality-show villain Olivia Caridi is left stranded on an island in the Bahamas) but is usually a slog to the inevitable ousting of the season’s main villain. Charity already sent home the dragon, leaving the dragon slayer to impotently talk about how he should get to show her around New Orleans because it’s where he became a man.
Before we can get to the two-on-one, though, a carriage pulls up and Charity announces that Joey is going on his second one-on-one. It’s a classic walking-around-the-city date. They eat food, they get a tarot card reading, they dance to “When the Saints Go Marching In,†they go to one of those “I will write a poem about you†guys with a typewriter, they wear beads. (Is it stolen valor to wear Mardi Gras beads without flashing someone?) It’s boring to watch, but they’re vibing.
At the dinner that no one eats, Charity asks Joey about how he’d feel being in an interracial relationship because her ex pretended it didn’t matter, which to her felt like ignoring reality. Joey says all the right things here — they sound a little cliché to me, but I will be the first to acknowledge that this is an area I have limited experience in, and if Charity hears what she needs to hear, that’s good enough for me. (She also gets a little cliché, saying things like, “Love will truly triumph over everything.†It’s fine to be a little cliché when you’re smitten, I suppose!) Joey gets the rose and they are fully making out in the back of the carriage. Their body language is insane. Cut to the guys hanging out back at the hotel, and Xavier says, “I don’t wanna think about it because I know they be kissin’.†I love this sweetie; I would say Xavier for Bachelor, but really I just want to hang out with him.
Now we get to the drama-free two-on-one. I just wrote in my notes: “Sean is PISSED. Tanner is SAD. i love it yummyyummyyummy.†Because these dates are generally used to finally send home a villain, both boys are confused and upset that they’re being put into this scenario. It’s a ticking clock to see who will crack first and my money is on Sean from the beginning. The date is a boat through the bayou looking at alligators and the boat driver is extremely ticked by the whole thing. He tells some jokes that you just know he’s thrilled every time he gets to bust out. My favorite: When asked, “Can we feed them?†he guffaws and says, “One time!†Bring the Gator Guy to Bachelor in Paradise! As someone who on her last visit to Florida only wanted to go to Gator World, but her car broke down on the way there so she had to spend the rest of her vacation getting the car fixed instead of looking at gators, I had a blast with this one.
Tanner is nervous after the gator boat because it seems like Sean is hitting it off with Charity. Even Gator Guy says she clearly prefers Sean. But during the dinner that no one eats, Charity says that she isn’t going to give out a rose tonight. It doesn’t bode well for either guy that she can’t choose here, but it’s worse for Sean, who was very confident that he’d be getting the two-on-one rose.
While Sean lets the pressure build up inside him like he’s a little Instant Pot, Dotun gets a one-on-one for the second week in a row. They participate in the Crescent City Classic, which Charity refers to as a “fun run … emphasis on fun†because she’s not a runner. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything fun about running, but I don’t have Charity’s legs. At the dinner that no one eats, Dotun expresses some of his insecurities, and I am once again struck by what a great communicator he is. He’s able to talk about how the ~process~ of being on the show affects him without sounding like a child. (Ahem, Brayden.) It’s a great match for Charity, who asks very direct questions and appreciates clarity. Dotun tells Charity he’s falling in love with her, and he gets the rose. He walks back into the hotel to tell the guys about the date, and Aaron passive-aggressively says the name of the half-marathon when Dotun forgets it. Dude, you just went to college here! Aaron is acting like he’s Philippe II, Duke of Orléans.
Instead of a one-on-one, Aaron is going on a group date with Xavier, Sean, and Tanner. I assumed when Charity said she wasn’t sending Tanner or Sean home, the next time we’d see them would be at the rose ceremony. Instead, we’re getting a group date with two roses to hand out.
Before we can get there, though, the timer on Instant Pot Sean goes off, and he heads to Charity’s room for some answers. This is such a classic mistake; I can’t believe folks are still letting producers talk them into this. Going to the lead’s hotel room is basically giving them an ultimatum: Tell me it’s me, or send me home. They practically unilaterally choose the latter. It’s a good rule of thumb that if you aren’t sure how someone feels about you, you’re not going to like the answer when you find it out, and that is doubly true when they’re dating five other people. Charity essentially says as much, telling Sean, “What you want from me, I can’t give you.†I don’t think Sean would have gotten a group date rose, so it’s not like he royally screwed himself here — he basically just lost out on one more date in New Orleans.
With Sean’s departure, the group date has turned into a three-on-one. There’s no activity or anything where the guys can prove their love for Charity by, like, eating the most beignets or something. Instead, it’s pretty much just a cocktail party but without the guys who already have roses. Charity pulls Aaron aside to talk to first, and Tanner and Xavier talk about how Aaron is definitely getting one of the two roses. Xavier is wearing a sweater that looks cozy as fuck. I want to know if he knitted it himself, and if so, please send me the pattern! When it’s Xavier’s turn to talk to Charity, he opens up about his fears surrounding marriage. Charity asks a lot of follow-up questions and is clearly worried about his ambivalence, but she really seems to appreciate honesty and directness, so I’m not too worried about our boy.
Aaron does get the first group date rose, but for the second time in this episode, Charity decides not to give out a rose. She needs more time to think. This is not a good sign for Tanner, who, again for the second time, is essentially told, “Ehhhh, I’m not sure about you.†Sure enough, a couple hours later, Charity heads to Tanner’s hotel room and cries as she asks to walk him out. The sweet guy says he is sad but doesn’t want to show it because he knows it’s hard for Charity and doesn’t want to make it worse for her. (This might be part of why he’s going home, though — Charity wants a guy who shares how he feels.)
That just leaves Xavier, to whom Charity says, “I don’t have to give this rose out …….. but I want to!†This girl cannot pull off a fake-out to save her life. She’s just too straightforward! Still, it’s cute how Xavier’s face lights up as soon as she gives him the rose. So now we have our final four: Aaron, Xavier, Dotun, and Joey. I usually hate when we skip the rose ceremony, but in this case, I don’t mind it because it feels like a natural reflection of where Charity’s journey is. Oh God, they’ve got me saying “journey†now, too.