Before we get into the recap, here are two pieces of Bachelor World news worth discussing. First, Kaitlyn Bristowe and Jason Tartick announced their breakup in the only way they know how: a joint Instagram statement. Don’t worry; they addressed the question that surely sprung to everyone’s mind: What of the dogs? “Our dogs Ramen & Pinot will continue to be cared for together as brothers. While their humans are no longer romantically involved, we will love and take care of them together.†Phew.
In happier relationship news, Gabby Windey announced that she’s dating alt-comic (and Vulture Comedian You Should Know 2020) Robby Hoffman. In addition to the requisite Instagram statement, Windey got a full segment on The View to gush about her new girlfriend. As far as Bachelor stars coming out goes, that’s still a step below the “Hayley Kiyoko music video†but a good effort nonetheless. In hindsight, I should have known Windey was queer. She’s annoying in a very specific way that you’d recognize if you’ve spent any time at Cubbyhole. (I say this with nothing but love and kinship; I identify as an annoying bisexual.) Congrats, ladies, and please invite me to brunch. I simply have to know what these two talk about.
Okay, now onto Fiji, where we’ll spend our final days with Charity’s Boys (my favorite gender-swapped Destiny’s Child cover band). Jesse is here to debrief with Charity, a.k.a. set up the theme for each overnight date. Xavier: Is he ready to get engaged? Dotun: Is he too good to be true; Joey: Am I getting the real Joey? Each of these questions will be answered in one way or another, which is just good television. I love Netflix’s reality shows, but the binge model means they blend together by design so that you keep watching. Even though this episode ends on a cliffhanger, we still get a resolution to the major conflicts that are set up. In other words, these producers are finally producing!
The first overnight date goes to Xavier. Oh, Xavier. Cue we-were-all-rooting-for-you.gif. This man’s downfall is downright Shakespearean. Let’s get into it. The daytime part of the date is a Fijian wedding ceremony on a private island. (“One of the 333 islands that Fiji has,†Charity explains, earning that check from the Fiji tourism board.) Ordinarily, these Participating-in-Local-Customs dates are super-cringey, but Xavier and Charity seem so genuinely impressed by the dancers that it doesn’t seem quite as exploitative. The Fijians split Charity and Xavier up and dress them for the ceremony. Charity is carried out on a throne, and Xavier calls her Woman King. Okay, it turns out Xavier is a major cinephile.
During the ceremony, things start to get weird. The man leading the ceremony asks them to say nice things to each other — basically, their “vows†— and Xavier goes into this awkward metaphor about Charity being a “delicate flower†that he doesn’t want to “crush.†Charity also thinks this is weird, but he later says about the conflict between his heart and head, “My head is putting my heart against the wall and telling it to stop.†Okay, so maybe this guy just talks in weird metaphors. That would track with everything else we know about him. He’s (sorry) kind of adorkable.
Before we can get into all of this, though, we cut back to San Diego, where Aaron is tormented by Charity, saying she wasn’t sure if she made the right decision sending him home. UH-OH. Remember last week when I said I thought this teased return of Aaron was a fake-out? I was a damn fool. Of course Aaron is going to try to come back. He absolutely seems like the type of guy who thinks it’s romantic to wear a girl down. I was too blinded by the bliss of an ACTUALLY GOOD season of The Bachelorette to see what was right in front of me. Which is not to say that this is a bad thing to happen for the show. It’s still good TV. We need these moments of yelling “NOOOOO†at our screens. I do not like Aaron, but I will admit he’s bringing good conflicts. But we’re not there yet.
Ahead of the dinner that no one eats, Charity reiterates her fear that Xavier will hurt her. She’s acknowledging that he reminds her of her ex, who cheated on her. The dramatic irony here is so good it might as well be scripted. At dinner, Xavier tells Charity that he was unfaithful in a past relationship. All due respect to Mr. Christopher Nolan, but this onscreen bomb hits harder than the Trinity Test scene. Charity needs a minute to collect herself, and when she comes back to the table, she is ready to deliver. She asks several clarifying questions: Was it more than once? (Yes.) How long ago was it? (Two years into his last relationship.) What work has he done on himself since then? (Be more introspective?????) She asks him several times to clarify his language, which he struggles to do, and I think this is where he digs his own grave. Charity is a woman who is extremely good at naming her feelings in direct and clear language, while Xavier speaks more in vibes and weird metaphors.
In a different situation (i.e., not on a TV show where you have to get engaged in a week, and also she’s dating two other men), they probably could have worked through a previous infidelity. But they reach an impasse when Charity doesn’t want to open the Fantasy Suite card, and Xavier says he doesn’t think he can propose next week if they don’t spend the night together. (For what it’s worth, I don’t think Xavier is saying they need to have sex before he knows if he can propose; I think he needs time to talk away from the cameras.) Charity walks Xavier to the car, and he says, “I love you,†as they hug good-bye. I still like Xavier, and I don’t think either of them is wrong for the things they expressed tonight, but people are so sensitive about infidelity I think he kissed his (already long-shot) chances at The Bachelor good-bye. The next morning Charity says she sent him home because she’s “not here to fix anybody.†I don’t think that’s quite what’s happening here, but she’s understandably angry and sad, so I’ll let it slide without further comment.
Next up is Joey’s date. He’s still uneasy because he doesn’t know why Charity was crying so hard when she left his hometown. He says it “felt like a good-bye,†so he was surprised to get a rose last week. After stalling out an ATV and having to walk to their jungle date spot, Charity tells him what Uncle Joe said about him not acting like himself on their tennis date. Joey’s explanation makes total sense. He says he was uncomfortable on the date because he was nervous and wanted her to have a good time, and he didn’t know his uncle would show up. Reading between the lines, it still feels like there’s some baggage with Uncle Joe there, but as far as worrying that she’s not getting the real Joey, Charity seems satisfied. With that out of the way, they head into the water for the Ben Higgins Boner Memorial Waterfall Kiss.
Later at the dinner that no one eats, Joey talks about his fears that people fall in love with the idea of him but won’t like him anymore when he, as he puts it, “gets into a funk.†This is a very relatable fear, but it is very funny when said out loud. “Yeah, people usually think I’m SOOOO GREAT AND CHARMING AND HANDSOME.†It is nice to hear here, though, because the structure of the show does not really give people the opportunity to see each other “in a funk.†They’re essentially going straight from the early stages of dating, when you’re still trying to come across as your best self, to the deeper work of building a life together. And the power dynamics are such that if someone has an off day, when they’re in a bad mood for whatever reason, they’re probably going to be sent home because there are eight other guys here in a good mood or at least better at pretending to be. It’s no wonder these relationships rarely work out. You don’t even know if they’re rude to waiters!
Anyway, Joey tells Charity he’s in love with her, and the smile on her face is huge. She says she is in love with him too. They head to the Fantasy Suite and don’t even do a cursory tour of this Fijian Airbnb — they head straight to the bedroom. These folks are headed to pound town NOW. In the morning, they say good-bye, and Joey says, “Her being upset and crying doesn’t feel like a good-bye this time.†That, friends, is what we call a full-circle moment!
Joey should be worried, though, because next up is Dotun’s date. The theme of this date is “Too Good to Be True?†They go jet-skiing in the crystal blue water of the … Pacific Ocean? They have a Champagne picnic on a sandbar. Dotun tells Charity that he didn’t actually know that you’re supposed to get engaged at the end of the show, which is honestly hilarious. What are producers telling people when they audition? You’re just going to date this cool lady? But Dotun tells Charity that it doesn’t scare him. He frames it as “You’re so wonderful you make it not scary,†but it’s probably closer to “Fuck it, why not?†which is the only normal way to approach this.
Walking to the dinner that no one eats, Dotun pushes Charity against a column to make out a bit before (not) eating. This physical chemistry is still heating up, and I maintain that Dotun has bungee jumping to thank for that. He tells Charity he’s in love with her, and she says it back. Hang on; this is just a thing we do now? Ben Higgins died for your sins!!!! That man was dragged to pieces for telling the final two women that he loved them. Telling someone you loved them was, in essence, telling them they won. Now it’s just an expected part of the “journey,†like helicopter dates and stealth Christian undertones.
If you thought we were going to blissfully head into the finale with Charity choosing between two men the way God and Mike Fleiss intended, you’d of course be wrong. Aaron finally shows up while Charity lounges poolside, asking the front desk for her room number. The only point of this scene is to make Aaron look like a fool. How did you know where she was staying but not her room number? Because producers wanted to make you look stupid and desperate. You shouldn’t have let them talk you into flying out here, dude! Take the L and hope you get a good edit on Paradise! But Aaron strikes me as the kind of man who cannot lose, so he finds Charity and tells her he can’t stop thinking about her saying she might have made the wrong decision. Charity is flustered but says she’s happy to see him and tells him she was (is?) falling in love with him. Nooooooo! Don’t reward this behavior! We end on a cliffhanger, but I think/hope this will be resolved pretty quickly at the beginning of the finale with Charity cutting him loose. But first we have to get through a Men Tell All next week. Mother of Mercy, have pity on us!