How appropriate for the week with the Wicked: The Musical: The Motion Picture — Part 1 promotional tie-in that we get the elimination we’ve all been screaming at our televisions for. Ding-dong, the dick is dead!! Jenn! Finally! All it took was for someone to ask a direct question that required Samm to recall and synthesize past events to knock him off his game. It’s kind of stunning that it took until the week before hometowns before Jenn or anyone else thought, Hang on, what is this guy talking about? And really, isn’t that what Wicked: The Musical: The Motion Picture — Part 1 is all about? Communication.
Before we get to the meat of this episode (and the Willy Wonka Wicked Experience featuring every Bachelorette in history), let’s get one thing clear. As I was watching the episode, I saw a lot of chatter on Twitter that Samm is Luke P. You derelicts. You plebes. Samm is NOT Luke P. Luke P. was principled; he had a motivating ethos and ideology. Luke P. believed so strongly and so deeply in his regressive, misogynist, hypocritical morals that he was willing to absolutely blow up his relationship with Hannah Brown. Luke P. stood for something. Just because a contesticle speaks in a series of aphorisms and catchphrases doesn’t make him Luke P. All of Luke P.’s aphorisms and catchphrases were from the Bible. Samm’s sound bites are all from the Instagram captions of fitness influencers and pickup artists.
There is someone else in the Bachelorette Cinematic Universe that Samm takes inspiration from, though: Jed. I mean, think about it: a smooth-talking, smug clout chaser with exactly ONE (1) trick. It’s just a shame that Samm’s one trick and motto weren’t as emotionally rich and dazzling as Jed’s “Mr. Riiiiiight Guuuyyyy.†So kudos, Jenn, for finally asking Samm to “name one quality about me†and shutting down his game.
Let’s get into it.
We’re back in the U.S. and it’s time for the Week Before Hometowns Date in Seattle … the Emerald City. This is the week that Jenn went home, so she knows how strong the guys’ feelings can be at this point, and she needs a little help to get through this. Does every former Bachelorette live in Seattle? Because we are about to get a parade of former Bachelorettes. First up is Charity! She sits down with Jenn in a coffee shop to help Jenn sort through her feelings. Charity says, “I kept a list of all the guys and I wrote a note about each of them after our dates,†and Jenn says, “I should have been doing that.†This is also the first instance of Jenn saying that she only has a physical connection with Samm and she needs to see if there’s something there.
The guys are sitting around in their hotel, and Jeremy is the only one who hasn’t gotten a one-on-one. As much as I like Jeremy because he seems like a cool dude … he’s still here? The first date card of the week arrives along with a box and says, “Marcus, let’s find love in the Emerald City.†Inside the box, there’s a green letterman jacket, and once I saw Jenn’s pink dress, it dawned on me what was happening.
Y’all … what is Wicked: The Musical: The Motion Picture — Part 1 about? I know, like, the witches and the wizard and also Madame Morrible and the whole “Defying Gravity†of it all. It’s one of those prequels where every part of the way through, you’re like, “Ohhhh … he’s the Tin Man.†But like, what is it ABOUT? The original novel of The Wizard of Oz can be seen as an allegory for the gold standard, and I think the book Wicked is about animal rights??? Because according to The Bachelorette, this exciting new film coming to theaters this fall is about understanding someone’s true character, the journey, difficult choices, “so much more to a person than what meets the eye,†and above all else, love. So like, girl, I guess.
Marcus and Jenn head to a random part of Seattle, and Kelsey and Daisy tell them they’re going to go down their own yellow-brick road and make choices. For all the girlies who have ever had to think of a “creative activation†at their marketing day job, this one’s for you. The yellow-brick road ends with Charity giving them a lawn dart to pop a wall of balloons that have messages from their past inside. Is this the best date to send the combat veteran who was in a coma on? Do we need to be surprising him with loud pops? Also, whoever wrote the words “Galinda’s POPular Bubbles†and came up with “There’s no place like Hometowns†had some of that good ’80s cocaine before that brainstorming session.
Marcus gets a video message from his sister and hints that his sister is the most important person in his world. Jenn gets a letter from her mom where she apologizes for not giving Jenn a perfect family. They head to the last stop, and it’s a green hot-air balloon introduced by Trista (!!) and the Cynthia Erivo version of the “Defying Gravity†vocal run kicks in louder than the dialogue. And get ready to hear it TEN MORE TIMES!
They head to the evening portion of the date and Marcus explains that he relates to Jenn’s mom saying they didn’t have the perfect family. He explains that his parents weren’t prepared to be parents and dropped him and his sister off at day care one day and never came back. Oh my God. I don’t think any of us were prepared for this information, and it feels a little shallow to compare Marcus’s family history to anything other than that exact situation. Jenn just calls it their “untraditional families,†which feels like the understatement of the century. Jenn says this is the love story she’s always wanted and never thought she was worthy of. Where is this coming from? Marcus gets the rose.
The Space Needle is lit up green. Coming to theaters this Thanksgiving.
It’s time for the group date and Jonathan, Samm, Devin, Grant, and Spencer are on the date. They head to a radio station with BENDER & JUBAL! One thing that truly brings me joy is the name of your local morning-show radio hosts. The morning-show hosts when I was growing up were “Eddie & JoeBo.†Perfection. Jason and Molly Mesnick are also there because this is a re-creation of one of their group dates.
Jenn lets them know that she’s got some reservations about Samm, so they should put some pressure on him. They do some word association with the guys. Spencer gets “Rose,†and he says, “Me.†Samm gets “Fantasy Suite,†and he says, after a long pause, “Aggressive.†Oh no. Ohhhh no. Everyone has their head in their hands and Molly is SHOOK. When asked to describe Jenn in three words, he says, “I would say, fire, strong passion. To say that I’ve been doing nothing but falling in love with you since the first time we had a conversation. I didn’t know you would be able to show love the way I know how to. It literally took you giving a toast saying cheers to a ferocious love, to be so unorthodox, reckless,†which is mathematically more than three words.
The hosts give him a second chance and a one-on-one interview, and Samm says, “I got out of the limo and I thought, This girl is not my type. I thought the Bachelorette was gonna be Daisy or Maria.†ELIMINATE HIM ON THE SPOT. He also says that Jenn is selfless but can’t name a single instance of her being selfless, and Spencer, who is watching with the rest of the guys in the other room, goes, “I CAN THINK OF MULTIPLE EXAMPLES!†The other jenntlemen are pissed. Finally, Samm can feel this is going badly and says, “Honestly, my love language is physical touch†and grabs Jenn’s face and starts to make out with her. Oh no. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
They head to the evening portion of the date, and while Grant tells her he’s falling in love with her and Devin says he’s falling in love with her (and she reciprocates!!), it’s all about Samm. Jenn starts the cocktail party by saying there’s one conversation that didn’t sit right and she needs more answers. Devin asks Samm if he thinks she’s talking about him and Samm is like, “That could have been anybody.†He’s confident, I’ll give him that. In a move of complete desperation, Samm decides to tell Jenn that he’s in love with her. BITCH, WHAT? Jenn is frustrated and confused and just keeps asking him to say something about HER that MAKES SENSE. Then Samm short-circuits and starts repeating “Ferocious love. Reckless love.†There will be no group-date rose. Jenn has some things to think about.
Before we can get to Samm’s downfall, it’s time for Jeremy’s one-on-one date. Jeremy and Jenn have a playful, joking relationship. They keep saying they have the same sense of humor and how they feel like themselves together. Also, Jeremy has one go-to joke and it’s going, “Is this where you kill me?†whenever Jenn leads him to a new location as they walk through Pike Place Market. He says it twice on this date. (I made this joke on a date with a guy once and he yelled “STAB†and pretended to stab me five minutes into our date. Do not recommend.) We get the fun facts that Jeremy was a drummer and a black belt as a kid when a produc— I mean, palm reader, sits down with them. Jeremy also makes a stunning move and asks to put together a bouquet for Jenn. I’m sure it was planned, but God damn, that was smooth. For the evening portion of the date, they start talking about their future and Jeremy talks about his family and his mom. He tells Jenn that his mom is an overly nice “typical Jewish mother†and they start talking about religion. Jeremy says he wouldn’t want Jenn to convert to Judaism, but he would want his children to be raised Jewish, and being culturally Jewish is important to him. Jenn says that she goes to a Shabbat dinner with her friends in Miami and being Buddhist is important to her and her family. They imagine raising their kids with both religions and Jeremy says he could see raising little Jewish-Buddhist kids with Jenn. He gets the rose.
The jenntlemen are sitting around waiting for the cocktail party to start. Shout-out to Jonathan and Marcus working on a Penny Press crossword book together. My wholesome puzzle kings! Jenn barges into the room and demands to see Samm. She finds Samm in his room and asks him to sit down for a chat. He starts out by saying, “I’m walking this fine line, being vulnerable and protecting my feelings in the same breath, only way to see it is to fall in love again.†What the ever-loving shit is this man talking about? It takes Jenn waayyyyy too long in this conversation to realize that Samm is completely full of shit. She keeps saying he doesn’t understand her and that he doesn’t see her. He can’t name anything specific about her and it seems like he’s just falling in love with whoever is in front of him. He says that she’s asking him questions and waiting for his answers with words, which is how verbal human speech works. He clearly has a speech planned and can only see and talk about his point of view. “Here’s my story: Your energy soothed my nerves.†Dude, it is not about you. “Love is selfless. Love is unconditional. Love is sacrifice.†At this point, he sounds like someone trying to remember Corinthians but they’ve only seen it on a weathered wooden-plank decoration at Hobby Lobby. “Love is a bitch. Love is a lover. Love is a child. Love is a mother. Love is a sinner. Love is a saint, I do not feel ashamed.â€
Jenn finally asks him to summarize their one-on-one date and everything he learned about her that night. Samm takes a long pause and finally says, “Ferocious.†He’s done. HE’S DONE. BYE-BYE. On his way out, Samm says, “The energy she brought was very dull.†And then he also says, and I quote, “One thing I stand ten toes down on is it is what it is. Keep the main thing the main thing.†That’s barely words.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. Devin gets the first rose and whispers, “You’re the best. I trust you.†And the final hometown rose is … Jonathan. GRANT AND SPENCER NOO!!!! Grant says he’s ready to give everything to someone and Spencer calls his mom and cries a li’l bit. I want both to be co-Bachelors. I love them.
Next week — Hometowns!!