The summer of 2021 is a very different time than the end of 2020 or even the beginning of 2021. Oh, don’t get me wrong. We’re still very much in the middle of a global pandemic and honestly, at this point, people who just aren’t on board with the whole thing are truly baffling. There are honestly still bitches on the internet who are like, “Wearing masks is how Ra’s al Ghul is going to be able to infiltrate our Au Bon Pains.†No one has time for that. No one is doing that anymore. We’ve got fashion masks and cool chains to attach our masks to our sunglasses and
We
Are
HORNY.
As a nation — nay, as a people — we are HORNY. It’s 90 degrees out, everyone is sweating, and did everyone always look this good? Just the thought of hugging your friend good-bye after hanging out at the park is electric. Suddenly, the person sitting across from you on the train is the most mysterious, alluring human being you’ve ever contemplated. The mere idea of another human’s mouth feels illicit. It’s after Memorial Day and everyone is about to get libidinous.
So it’s only appropriate that for this satyric season, we have Katie, America’s Horniest Bachelorette. She wants you to know she’s SEX POSITIVE and says things like, “No dry bushes here!†while drop-kicking a tumbleweed and mimes humping when she sees a hot guy. She’s not a regular girl. She’s a Horny Girl.
But because she was So Sex Positive and So Confident on Matt James’s truly curséd season, we never got to learn anything about Katie, so allow this narratorless, hostless opening montage of her roaming unaccompanied around the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa to tell you everything you need to know about Katie. Have you heard? The season is taking place at the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa. Katie’s parents divorced when she was a baby; she grew up very poor and moved around a lot. She had trouble making friends and she’s never really had a boyfriend who felt like a partner. She’s ready for love. She’s not going to settle. She’s going to say the words “sex positive†more than the cool RA that always has a bag of condoms outside her door.
But for some reason that we absolutely will not address, Katie is convinced that she’s going to go through this entire season alone. I’m sorry. WHAT?! Did they just tell her, “There’s no host. You gotta do it on your own. Bring a stopwatch so you know how long the cocktail parties are supposed to be� Because it really seems like they did. Can you imagine? Maybe they told Katie that she would also have to work the camera, do some postproduction editing, and run the official Bachelorette Twitter account, too. Katie came prepared with three different kinds of duct tape and a tripod, just in case. Don’t worry, Katie, the Elders are doing a reverse Thelma & Louise through the desert to come save you.
But first, let’s meet some of the contesticles. As they head to the resort for their mandatory two-week quarantine, one of them reminds us that the Hyatt Regency is the perfect place to fall in love, which I don’t see on its Tripadvisor page. There’s Karl, the motivational speaker. Connor B. plays the ukulele in the bathtub. Brendan is a Canadian former hockey player, aspiring firefighter. Andrew S. is really into Bridgerton. Mike is a former athlete virgin and why, dear God, would you go down this route again!? Justin loves to paint and he can’t wait to show Katie what else his hands can do. Tre is the “My parents have been married for one year longer than I’ve been alive and I’m basing my entire personality around that†guy. And Greg is a simulation AI created by the Bumble algorithm.
Night is falling in New Mexico, and while Katie is staring off into the middle distance, the Elders are approaching like jaguars in the night. Behold! The ur-Girl Gang! Queens! Girlbosses! Bad bitches! Everyone is screaming and everyone is crying! The power of contractually obligated female friendship!
They head inside to present Katie with the wisdom of the dosh khaleen, the wise council of crones that will guide Katie through this journey. Former Bachelorettes and cheerful hotties Tayshia Adams and Kaitlyn Bristowe are here to fill the role of — hang on, there was a name on the tip of my tongue, but it has simply evaporated from my brain. Wow. Huh. I guess they’re not replacing anyone and they’ve been here all along. Katie asks them what are the top two things they wish they’d known and they both say, “Don’t rule anyone out on night one.†They probably edited out where Kaitlyn said, “Don’t fuck Nick Viall. It’s honestly more trouble than it’s worth.â€
Kaitlyn and Tayshia keep reminding Katie that one of these men could be her fiancé and they’re just as scared as she is. They speak in unison for the first of what will be many times. Then it’s time for the first limo and out steps Thomas, who is VERY TALL and very hot. Katie says, “Do they all look like that? I’m in trouble. Fuck.†I would love if this season ended with Katie presiding over a polyamorous relationship with three to seven men. It’s what she deserves.
After each guy, Katie gives Kaitlyn and Tayshia a little thumbs up or shrug like she’s in an ’80s shopping montage. Michael tells her that he’s giving her a family heirloom and I thought it was going to turn into some Pulp Fiction reference but no, he’s just a liar and he got the watch at the airport. Tre pops out of a pickup-truck bed that’s full of ball-pit balls. That’s … that’s not a thing. His main energy is “corny.†Gabriel does a tantric-breathing exercise with Katie and she gives him a little wave as he walks into the house and she keeps checking out his butt. At one point, someone gives Tayshia and Kaitlyn popcorn, and if they didn’t host a minute of this thing but gave breathless, giddy commentary from a window for the entire season, I’d be very happy. Andrew S. decides he’s going to try to fool Katie with a British accent and bail on it at the last possible second. What is with these men’s opening gimmick being “this is a lie�
Then the box arrives. James arrives in a giant gift box and says he’s not coming out until later in the cocktail party, and until he emerges from his gift-wrapped prison, he does confessionals AS THE BOX. Stay in the box the whole night, dude. In addition to the horny energy, a real absurd Dadaist vibe would be welcome. Stay in the box the whole season. Give Katie a matching box. Live in the box. Propose from the box. Live together in your boxes. Raise your children in a smaller box next to your boxes. Embrace the boxes. Become the boxes. Everything is box. Every box is box. Box is box box box.
Then some idiot named Cody brings out a blow-up doll. No no no. Katie! You don’t have to laugh at this shit! Katie says she has a real sense of humor, but the things she’s laughing at are really giving me “skit night at the frat house.†Because the sexual puns are coming, no pun intended. Christian gives her a genie lamp and says they can rub one out. FUCK. AWFUL. Listen, if you’re gonna do a flirty genie thing, just say something about granting her wishes or her wish is your command. Don’t tell a woman you just met to “rub one out.†Justin says he’s going to stroke and stroke and stroke and then pulls out a paintbrush. GOD DAMN IT. ALSO BAD. Puns are one of the lowest forms of humor and these are barely puns. At least Quartney with a Q does a fun li’l sexy poem where every line starts with a Q word. He’s the one Katie air-humps as he walks away.
Then Connor B. arrives dressed as a cat and this would be a good time to inform you that the B stands for Bustopher Jones. Katie is incredibly aroused. Horny Bach Summer.
After a few more arrivals and a few confused looks at the box and Jellicle Connor, the night is ready to begin! Katie didn’t rehearse her toast but tells everyone that she’s nervous and a little scared, too. This is weird! Cheers! The box somehow does a cheers. Andrew S. and Thomas have good early convos with Katie, but the real standout is A POCKET FULL OF ROCKS AND CRYSTALS!!!! YES!!! The “these are my favorite dinosaurs and let me tell you a fun fact about them†energy this has!! ROCKS ROCK!!!!!!!!
Katie sits down with Greg and they really hit it off. He gives her a macaroni necklace his 3-year-old niece made and tells her “it’s not real gold.†The Bumble AI needs some time to calibrate.
While Katie is in the ball pit with Tre, the first-impression rose arrives and everyone starts freaking out. To step up his game, Jeff decides to take Katie to the RV and he won’t stop making “jokes†about how you shouldn’t go to a stranger’s van and he wouldn’t give her alcohol and take her to the bedroom. Dude. What the fuck? You’re basically saying, “Wouldn’t it be weird if I was some kind of predator? Ha ha ha! Don’t worry about those, that’s just my dirty underwear!†If deanie_babies’ van is the fantasy, this is the reality. Katie finally sits down with the box and there is no time. There is no space. There is only box. Katie is horny for the box.
She’s also incredibly horny for a grown man in a cat costume and has put on cat ears and cat paws and is cuddling with Connor Bustopher Jones. She says she couldn’t stop thinking about him and he goes in for the kiss. She takes his ears off and he looks up at her with his whiskers and they aggressively make out. Next, she sits down with Michael, who shows her a picture of his dog and they commiserate about leaving their pets at home. Katie says, “This is a long time to spend away from your fur baby†and Michael goes, “Oh yeah, and I also have a 4-year-old son.†He has a whole-ass child but was like, “I miss my dog lol.†This season is wild. Katie also says she’s open to all sorts of child-related futures: marrying someone with kids, having a kid, never having kids. It’s a refreshing change from a show that insists that getting married and having children is the only valid family structure.
It’s time for the first-impression rose and Katie gives it to Greg and Connor is so sad that he’s not the Jellicle Choice. Greg asks if he can kiss Katie and they make out aggressively.
It’s time for the rose cerem— oh, wait! Aaron gets in Cody’s face and is like, “I don’t like you. I’ll never like you,†presumably like two hours after meeting him. But it’s like they say, when you know, you know that you can’t stand a bitch. Watch that space.
Okay. Rose-ceremony time. Tre, Michael A., Thomas, Garrett, Connor B., Andrew S., Box, Justin, Quartney, Karl, Mike P., John, Kyle, Andrew, Josh, Conor C., Brendan, David, Aaron, Christian, Hunter, and Cody all get roses. The entire rose ceremony, they keep cutting to some man in the front row with very ’90s hair and then he’s eliminated without a word. Your piercing intensity and center part will stay with me. Good-bye … I wanna say Brundin? Katie gives one final cheers before the season preview shows us Blake’s square-headed ass arriving. Kaitlyn also asks the immortal question: “Has anyone ever opened a bottle of champagne and not gone ‘woo!’?â€
Cheers to horniness! Woo!!