Bachelor Nation, dear readers, people who accidentally clicked on this as they were trying to get to the Cinematrix — I have to say something I never, ever, ever wanted to say: I hate that I was right.Â
I hate that I predicted the History-Making SHE-E-O Live Laugh Love Self-Care Finale Presented by Maybelline. I knew that Jenn would be proposing to her Final One. Go back. Look at my first recap of the season. I believe my exact words were she’d be proposing to “someone tall.†I’m not sure if Devin is “The Tall One,†but there was a little seashell with a Neil Lane mengagement band. A Him-gagement band? I’m sure Neil Lane will workshop the title as this trend sweeps the nation. I knew that Jenn would be proposing and goddamn it, I wish I were wrong because I DO NOT WANT THIS. I do not want this for Jenn, and I certainly don’t want the first woman-led marriage proposal to end up in this mess.
Let’s get into it.
I mean … how do we even break this thing down? Because after knowing that Devin attempted to (and kind of succeeded) ghost a televised engagement and then hit the clubs with Jeremy, do any of us give a shit about what he told her mom and brother? Also, if this didn’t come for you exactly where you live emotionally, what is it like to be able to fall asleep without the endless chatter of anxiety and abandonment issues clattering around in your brain? I bet if I checked your Google history, I wouldn’t find “boyfriend’s eyebrow microexpressions + attachment issues.â€
And what did the Marcus of it all amount to? It was very obvious to pretty much anyone watching that Marcus was not a viable option for Jenn. My favorite part of the episode was in the very beginning, when Jesse said, “So, who will Jenn choose? Will it be Marcus,†and there was complete silence. Yeah, that’s where the audience is at. Please get that man off our televisions. The vibes are bad. What happened with the casting? We should allow Jenn a do-over. Only cast men whose ex-girlfriends didn’t cheat on them and have been through a weekend-long communication seminar. And more than one East Asian guy.
I feel unmoored from reality because it all amounted to nothing. Even Jenn’s big moment of taking control of her life, her story, her love, her voice, and proposing to Devin has been stripped of all meaning. If I had to guess why, it’s because “Texas 7 Los Angeles 5†Devin got a taste of the good life, and his DMs were popping off, and why not just follow some girlies on Instagram, including the lead he was probably cast for?
I guess we can track Jenn’s arc through this episode? Maybe? Is that worth it to you all? I feel like a substitute teacher after class got interrupted by a fire drill. “Okay, I planned for us to go over the quiz, but there’s not enough time now. Should we just play Heads Up 7 Up?†Well, no, because even going through Jenn’s arc starts with her happy but conflicted, she eliminates feeling conflicted to settle on blissfully happy, and then winds up being the protagonist in a revenge-based Olivia Rodrigo music video. That’s not a satisfying arc for anyone to watch and even worse to go through emotionally.
Throughout the episode, we get to see Jenn closing the loops on all these dangling story threads. She has an emotional moment with her brother about how far she’s come and how she doesn’t want to repeat history. She sits down with Marcus and breaks up with him even though he says that he loves her. She’s able to recognize an emotionally unavailable man. She wrestles some control from The Bachelorette process to propose! They gave her a little seashell! She’s able to love and be loved unconditionally and without fear! Ohhh, how I wish the episode ended there. Let her pop up on Dancing With the Stars (which is my emotional-support television program, and she WILL be on the next season) and have Devin just disappear into the background.
What makes Jenn’s story so frustrating in the pantheon of great Bachelorettes who have ended up unattached at the end of their season or shortly thereafter is that Jenn wasn’t given a moment of pure joy in this finale. Tyler Cameron got some time with Hannah Brown in the hot seat and we all felt that crackling chemistry one more time. Pilot Rachel literally ran offstage with Aven after he asked, “Do you wanna get outta here?†Where was that for Jenn? I bet if we all worked together we could come up with three to five moments of pure joy to give Jenn:
1. Put Devin in a dunk tank.
2. Bring out a parade of the Thunder From Down Under Guys and she gets to lick one of their abs.
3. Puppies on surfboards. We’d have to go back to Hawaii for that one, but I think it’s worth it.
4. Fuck, just give her and her mom and brother a free trip back to Hawaii.
5. Please add a fifth idea in the comments.
But, instead, the show made sure to squeeze all the emotional turmoil out of this woman so they could turn around and have Jesse praise her for finding her voice and remind her that she could find love. That was your job, you fucking dingbats. Your job isn’t to give Marcus another sit-down with Jesse to remind him that emotions aren’t scary and he should probably tell Jenn he loves her so you can pop a rating and get that good tension going into the After the Final Rose. We need a dedicated team member to monitor what these clowns are doing on Instagram, because whatever Devin has been doing has led to the downfall of Jenn’s happiness.
Okay, we played a few rounds of Heads Up 7 Up and I guess there was more time left in the period than I thought. No one left a handout for this scenario.
I guess there are bigger questions about what this franchise can do to protect its leads, and particularly its leads of color. Because I’m SICK that this happened to Jenn, and I’m SICK that this happened on the season for the first Asian American Bachelorette, and production should feel bad. (Again, bring out that giant novelty check — you can’t make it better, but Jenn could buy a Birkin.) Ironically, Maria (and/or Daisy) turning down the Bachelorette gig obviously sent production into a tailspin after they had done all their spotlight casting for men who would be into Maria, and they just never course corrected. They obviously thought Marcus would be a fan favorite and they’d be setting him up for a Bachelor arc, but that fucking fizzled. It seems like production is still trying to figure out what the audience wants, and there does seem to be a big portion of the audience who, on paper, would look at someone like Marcus and just see American flags and be dazzled, but Marcus was a charisma black hole on the season. And production can’t nail down a polarizing pick like Maria to actually be on the show, so they’re choosing leads who are a little underdeveloped reality-TV story-wise and casting for chaos around them. And it’s particularly insulting when it’s for the leads of color, because it’s like production is saying “We couldn’t possibly imagine what their thing is, but I dunno, we’ll throw a Sam M and a Salmon in there and see what happens.â€
So, as we wrap up Jenn’s season, she and the audience are supposed to have their hearts warmed by a speech from Jesse and … BRING OUT THE GOLDEN BACHELORETTE! I hope by Grant’s season they can figure out how to tell his story and cast women who are interested in him. Which they claim to be doing, but the shoddy rollout of his announcement isn’t inspiring much confidence.
Okay, that’s the bell! If your teacher asks, we got through everything on the quiz! H.A.G.S. K.I.T.!