In the first episode of The Bear’s third season, Carmy decides to set some standards for the operation of the restaurant he just reopened. Like Jerry Maguire banging out a mission statement while listening to The Who, Carmy starts making a massive list of what he calls non-negotiables: the things that the restaurant, also called The Bear, must do on a consistent basis to achieve greatness.
Carmy seems pretty proud of his work, enough to make Natalie print out copies for the whole staff. But his co-workers are not as impressed. Having pieced together the items mentioned, it’s easy to understand why. Some of the things listed are extremely unspecific. Others don’t make sense. (What does he mean by “of the place�) And others just come across as nonsense that Carmy absorbed when he fell asleep while listening to a TED Talk. (Vibrant collaboration … okay, sure.) If Jerry Maguire had written something this vague and unfocused, Renee Zellweger never would have followed him out of that sports agency.
In an effort to put into perspective just how reasonable or not Carmy’s non-negotiables are, I have ranked all 26 of them from least negotiable to most, based on what I could read in shots of Carmy’s original, handwritten list and the one that Natalie prints, as well as items Natalie reads out loud.
1. Shirts perfectly pressed
This should be non-negotiable for the staff at a high-end restaurant and it belongs on Carmy’s list. I also appreciate that this guidance is very clear. Anyone can read this sentence and understand it. Trust me, as you continue through this list, you will appreciate that more and more.
2. Personal hygiene
Carmy unfortunately does not elaborate further on this point, but one can assume that this means that everyone at the restaurant should wash their hands frequently, bathe regularly and things of that nature. Not much to argue with here.
3. Break down all boxes before putting them in Dumpster
This is another strong and extremely actionable non-negotiable, which is why it’s hilarious that throughout this season, no one breaks down any boxes before putting them in the Dumpster except for Sydney. It’s almost as if Neil and Teddy Fak never bothered to read the list of non-negotiables at all.
4. Change menu every day
This is a clear policy. It is also an incredibly stupid policy because drafting a new menu each day is time-consuming, having to buy so much food will be expensive and absolutely no one will care if the menu is different every day except maybe food snobs like Chef Joel McHale, who is the person Carmy is obviously trying to emulate and impress with this list.
5. No repeat ingredients
See, this is where context is important. Does Carmy mean they should not repeat any ingredients during each individual dinner service, not repeat any ingredients throughout the week, or what? More clarity is needed here, though I will say that even with that clarity, this still seems like a stupid idea that will make it harder than it already is to acquire produce and other ingredients. But what do I know, if I ran a business I’d probably keep track of things like how much money I was spending.
6. No surprises
This man just said the menu needs to constantly change and that you can’t use the same ingredient twice, but he also wants no surprises? Which one is it, Carm?
7. Know your shit!
Basically Carmy’s just asking for everyone to do their job really well, which is non-negotiable but also seems obvious.
8. Respect tradition
Which traditions does Carmy mean? If he means respect the traditions of The Bear/the sandwich joint formerly known as The Original Beef of Chicago, I guess everyone should just keep on yelling constantly, locking themselves in the walk-in at the worst possible time, and pulsating with panic and anxiety.
9. Push boundaries
What Carmy really means here is, “Push boundaries, unless I don’t like the boundaries you’re pushing, and then I will tell you what to make instead.â€
10. Technique, technique, technique
Carmy’s basically saying don’t be sloppy and take care with your work, but perhaps that would have come across more clearly if he had written, oh, I don’t know, don’t be sloppy and take care with your work. Do you think Unc will add some money to the budget so they can hire an editor for any future non-negotiables Carmy jots down?
11. Not about you
If the “you†in this sentence refers to everyone else at The Bear other than Carmy, then it accurately reflects Carmy’s management style at the moment and I applaud his transparency regarding his own self-involvement.
12. Less is more
Another cliché that Carmy has mistaken for restaurant advice. No, I get it. He’s trying to heed the advice (“subtractâ€) once given to him by Chef Joel McHale. (I realize his name is David Field on this show, but Joel McHale is frankly a better chef name.) But does Carmy really believe this? More importantly, will anyone on staff read this and know what to do with this information?
13. Details matter
This and the “technique, technique, technique†one are kinda saying the same thing and that should not be allowed because, per No. 5 on this list, you should never repeat ingredients.
14. Perfect means perfect
What this actually means is that Carmy will not send out any dish that he doesn’t consider perfect, even if that requires Tina to refire something that was probably just fine the way it was. An allegedly perfect entree that arrives on a table 10 minutes later than it should is not “perfect,†is it? (Did I mention I’m Team Richie this season?)
15. Consolidation and speed
In many ways this is less a non-negotiable than two nouns with a conjunction in between them. What’s being consolidated? And if speediness is a must, how does that square with being constantly perfect?
16. Confidence and competence
I get why competence is non-negotiable but confidence does not matter as much, at least not for every job. Like, I can be great at washing dishes and still have profoundly low self-esteem. I prove this every day in my own kitchen.
17. Constantly evolve through passion and creativity
This is absolutely a sentence that jumped off the page of a self-help book Carmy was paging through and then got lodged in his brain.
18. Vibrant collaboration
These are two more bullshit buzzwords that clearly don’t mean anything since Carmy doesn’t spend a single second trying to collaborate with anyone this season. The most vibrant collaboration in Carmy’s life is between him and his nicotine gum.
19. Focus (underlined)
Hey, what if this list is actually just Carmy yelling at himself in a bullet-point format?
20. Pursuit of excellence
Pretty sure Carmy thought of this one while he was watching an old episode of The Simpsons.
21. No excuses
Cool slogan to wear on a T-shirt at the gym. Not a non-negotiable.
22. In + out service
I guess Carmy wants to turn over tables quickly. As written this just sounds like a description of what restaurants do.
23. Service
This is also a word that just describes what restaurants provide. I can’t argue with that but also: what?
24. Time
I mean, when you think about it, Carmy’s totally right. You can’t negotiate with time, man. [Goes into the alley to smoke meth with Alex Moffat.]
25. Of the place
Your guess is as good as mine.
26. According to Natalie: “Something about teaspoons that I can’t really read.â€
Carmy clarifies that what he actually wants is more teaspoons because they keep going missing, which is not a non-negotiable expectation so much as an item to put on the Restaurant Depot shopping list. Having gone through everything contained in this largely nonsensical document, I think we can all agree on what Carmy needs to do with it: Throw it out and refire, Chef!