Would you do Pascal’s laundry? I hear he’s paying a hundred dollars. We’re still winnowing these men out, which means we’re in the best part of the season, and while we lost one of my favorites this week, Pascal is safe to monopolize the closet for another day. We learned more about him this week, such as that he hasn’t done his own laundry for 40 years and that he sleeps naked, which I frankly did not need to know.
The men have officially moved into the mansion so they can see their sleeping arrangements. Someone says, “This is a massive piece of property,†which is a real dad statement that I don’t think has ever been said in Bachelor franchise history. Jack is hyped about the bar next to the pool. Someone sees the bunk bed and says, “This is special,†which is probably what I would say. No one wants to sleep in the top bunk because no one is ten, but also because they all have to get up multiple times in the night to pee, and who wants to climb down a ladder for that event? Charles L. finally volunteers because, of course, he does. Charles, I hope you have a line of women outside your door when you get home, like the nannies in Mary Poppins. Then you can find the person you like the most and tell the others, “The position has been filled.†You deserve it, Charles.
There are five women in my home, if you count our two cats, so I know nothing about men’s fashion, but I can tell you that there are a whole lotta polo shirts in this group. They’re in default suburban dad wear for the reading of the first date card, which ropes in Gary, Bob, Jonathan, Charles L, Mark, Jordan, Keith, and Guy. These eight men are going to PROM with Joan, and they all get to pick out hideous tuxes. Keith says he feels like a magician, which is very self-aware of him. The only one who truly looks amazing is Gary, who has opted for the gold tuxedo. Jonathan, who has never gone to prom and lets you know multiple times in this episode, opts for no shirt under his jacket. Okay.
I did not go to my high-school prom, partially because it was a Christian school where dancing was illegal (like Footloose!) and we had to have “unofficial†dances, but mostly because it was on my birthday and I wanted to go see Matrix Reloaded for the fifth time. NO REGRETS. This prom isn’t bad, though, except for where they make the men do horrifying solo dances for Joan and the crowd of strangers. But even that is okay because they got Taylor Dayne to sing. Guys!! It’s Taylor Dayne! Did I know who she was before the 12-minute Taylor Dayne joke by Tig Notaro? No! But now she is famous to me. And also to all the people who love her music. And definitely to Tig Notaro. Getting Taylor Dayne up there to sing “Tell It to My Heart†is so much better than the usual franchise tradition of featuring whatever random country artist is sponsoring that week.
Joan chats with the men, and I admit she and Mark are cute. Gary is Tina Turner’s godson?? We find out that Bob has a gay daughter, and Joan says what strikes her about Bob is how accepting he is. Okay. That feels weird to say in 2024 about someone having a gay kid, but everyone is on their own journey. Bob then makes the episode by saying Thanksgiving at his house is now “Dr. Bob and 27 lesbians.†Someone is definitely bringing homemade hummus to that event, and it’s probably really good.
Jonathan talks about not getting to go to his prom, but okay, even though the editing hammers that point home, the actual story is sad. He was the only student of color at his Catholic high school, and he asked a girl to prom, and the week before, she decided not to go. He says it “destroyed†his ego and that this night has meant a lot to him. That’s really nice, Jonathan! I wish you were wearing a shirt under your tux!
Charles L. is sitting on the sidelines, and I need someone to go talk to Charles. He opens up to Joan about his wife passing away six years ago from a brain aneurysm and how he shut down until his daughters reminded him that he doesn’t have to be sad for the rest of his life. Charles L. and Joan talk about allowing themselves to be happy, and later he calls his daughter on the phone and tells her he went to prom and is having fun. CHARLES, I LOVE YOU.
The way this prom works is that Joan names a Prom King, and he gets the group-date rose. I 95 percent wanted Charles to be prom king, but I understand why it is narratively meaningful for Jonathan. I’m happy for him. I also want to see Charles win Prom King and have everyone cheer for him. Then, he smiles a little and tells his daughters about it later.
We have two other dates in this episode, so we gotta move on. Chock, who looks like he’d be very comfortable as the mayor of the Footloose town, gets picked for the one-on-one, and they go to Disneyland. Okay, look. I’m not a Disney adult, but I’m not not a Disney adult. Meaning I will very happily go to Disneyland without any kids. Kids slow you down! How am I going to ride It’s a Small World five times in a row if some child starts saying they’re bored? Bored of what? Whimsy? Anyway, I fully support this date, but I hate that it’s Chock, because I don’t TRUST him. Also, his name is Chock.
Joan and Chock meet Mickey and Minnie, ride Big Thunder Mountain, go to Star Wars Land, and chat with R2-D2. Chock tells Joan he spends a lot of time in Florida. I bet you do, Chock. They both love to fish, and Joan is extremely psyched about this date. She is having a great time with Chock, somehow. They have dinner at 21 Royal, which is an $18,000 reservation inside Disneyland, so I hope they appreciated this. Chock says today was “a blessing†(hmmmmm), and they talk about both losing partners and how she feels like she can feel safe again. Joan feels really connected to Chock, and he gets a rose. Okay, fine.
We’re off to the second group date, which is the Golden Talent Showcase. Kim is ready to go because he has a song all prepared. The guest judge is Loni Love, to which I say yesssssssss. Loni Love is responsible for one of my favorite Drag Race moments of all time, and I love the truly bizarre moments when Drag Race and The Bachelor intersect. She looks amazing and says she hasn’t seen good-looking guys like this since she was in Cleveland. CLASSIC LONI.
Gregg does some not-bad jokes, Charles K. punches through some wood but also accidentally punches Gregg in the stomach, Christopher does yo-yo tricks, Michael reads a poem, and Gil juggles. Get outta here, Gil!! Jack shows up with sock puppets and an act that Gregg describes as being a car wreck, but in the funniest way possible. Jack tells us to google Shari Lewis’s puppet show, which is good advice. Pascal cuts a wig onstage, and Kim sings a song about rainbows and dreams that seems Not Great but must be cute in person because everyone loses their shit.
Kim thinks he has the win on lock, but then Dan goes, and Dan has been narrating this whole time, talking about how he has a tremor and he doesn’t know about this, but then he does a mediocre ribbon dance, and everyone is like, WOW. So Dan wins. Kim and his giant digital watch are bummed.
Instead of a cocktail party, we have a barbecue on the pool deck. Pascal and Jack offer their opinions on cooking, and frankly, I trust them. Pascal is French, and Jack runs a catering company! But they are framed as Nosy Nicks, and we’re supposed to scorn their advice. No one goes in the pool but Jack, who is having a great time. Joan has one-on-ones with everyone, including Gil?? I thought the show was mostly cutting him out due to the restraining order. Why do we see this conversation about how much his wife loved, The Bachelor? Someone I don’t want any time cut from, though, is Gary. Joan gives him a framed copy of their prom photo, and he calls her Sunshine and she calls him Goldy. I do not see them ending up together, but I love that they have nicknames now.
Mark tells Joan about how long he was stationed in Germany and quizzes her on some German phrases, the last asking if he can kiss her. Joan says he can and should’ve asked for it sooner. Mark says it’s “funner†to ask in German. Probably true.
Okay, so who is going home this week? We’re losing four men, and the wardrobe department gave Joan a dramatic cape for this moment, which I appreciate. Getting roses are: Mark, Gary, Pascal, Jordan, “CK†or Charles K., Keith, Gil (booooo), Charles L., Kim, Gregg, and Guy. So we lose Michael, Bob, Christopher, and JACK. Joan tells Jack that he is so much darn fun, and he winks at her and all the guys clap him out. Jack has no complaints about his time on the show; he had a ball, and “it was a beautiful thing.†He starts singing “My Way†again and is joined by Christopher. Jack tells us, “’Twas a slice.†I’LL MISS YOU, JACK.
Golden Bachelorette Scoring
Using the Michael Scott “Beach Games†system of points, I will be doling out 10 points, a gold star, and a thumbs-up every week. And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.
• 10 Points: To Bob and his Marina Peninsula Home for Wayward Lesbians.
• Gold Star: To Charles L. for every moment he’s on screen.
• Thumbs-Up: To Gregg for seeming to just roll with being punched in the chest, and also being hit by a naked Pascal because of his snoring.
• Pushed into a Chocolate River: GIL, DON’T HARASS WOMEN.