Here we are. Hometowns. The hometowns are one of the most reliably boring episodes of any Bachelor iteration, except for the time we met Dean’s dad on Rachel’s season. But we don’t have Dean’s dad here; we have Chock’s dad, and Chock’s dad reminds me of Jimmy Stewart voicing the old dog sheriff in Fievel Goes West. I absolutely wish they would get rid of hometowns. You can secretly fly the lead out to meet families. That’s fine. I don’t want to see it. I want to see the contestants doing friendship activities together. Imagine the shot in the arm this episode would get if Gary and Charles returned to do more shopping. The show could also make the leads ask the participants genuinely probing questions about their lives and beliefs, but The Bachelor will never give that to us. Everyone will be presented as neutral, making them palatable to all and beloved by none. Except, again, for Charles.
I’m dodging the issue here, which is recapping an episode where we learn nothing and end up exactly where we were last week, only down a person who never seemed to really spark with Joan anyway. I was so much more invested in Gerry’s season, which feels terrible because Gerry has turned out to be pretty sus! But there’s a reason more people tend to watch The Bachelor than The Bachelorette. It’s because women are allowed to be more emotionally vulnerable, and that makes for more interesting television than these stilted men who seem to hope they are conveying all the emotions they need to through smiling. How is Joan supposed to work with this? Of course, she’s feeling less confident now than before hometowns! Basically everyone but Chock is holding their cards close to their chest, and Chock is still acting like Biff Tanner around her. (Me: “Hey, you, get your damn hands off her.â€)
Okay, let’s get to the hometowns. We start with Guy in Lake Tahoe, Nevada. This will be the prettiest location we see and the most relaxed we ever see Guy! Guy is very into Lake Tahoe and seems to love driving this boat, which is great because Joan apparently loves boats. He tells her “a story about Lake Tahoe,†which is not a story so much as a thing he heard. Guy says that if you make a wish, Tahoe will grant you your wish. What? What?? They drop rocks in the water and state their wishes out loud. That isn’t how that works! That isn’t how any of this works! Guy 1,000 percent made that up. I looked up “Lake Tahoe wishes†and there is nothing but greeting cards. Well, that plus information about the bodies that have resurfaced.
I guess now we know that you can just tell whoever you’re with that you heard a legend that if you do literally anything at whatever place you’re in, your wish will come true. “If you eat a cheddar cube while standing under the Waffle House sign, Waffle House will grant you your wish.†Why did they drop rocks in the water?
They drive to Reno, former Divorce Capital of the World, and Joan meets Guy’s family, including Gary, Greg, Gwen, Gail, Greer, and his son, Glenn. Okey dokey. Guy thinks he’s in a place to propose, and his family seems very supportive, but also: restraining order. He and Joan continue to seem a little awkward together.
Next, I perk up, because we are in Chicagoooooo! Joan loves Chicago, as she should. She meets Pascal at his salon in the very wealthy Chicago suburb of Glencoe, where she has a great time meeting his staff and doing salon things. Pascal drives her to what I believe is his apartment, just north of Bucktown. His kids are nice and his grandson asks Pascal if he slept in a bed full of other old grandpas. Is he imagining the grandparent situation in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I wish they made them do that. Joan loves Pascal’s family and they love her.
She then moseys downtown and meets Jordan on the riverwalk exactly where the Eastland disaster happened. It’s very noticeable not only because of the plaque but because the building behind them is literally in photos of the disaster. Why, producers?! Jordan takes her to Lou Malnati’s for a deep dish, which is a real gamble on his part. Maybe the same producers who chose the Eastland spot were like, “You guys have to eat deep-dish pizza, and you have to do it downtown,†and he knew Pizzeria Uno is bad and Giordano’s is just a massive wheel of cheese. Under those circumstances, I would also pick Lou Malnati’s (which, when I first moved here, I thought was called “Illuminati’sâ€).
Also, while we’re on the topic, the frequency with which Chicagoans order deep dish is quite low. So everyone can just lay off us and our amazing pizza, the best of which is either tavern style or Pequod’s. Jordan also gets a rainbow cake for Joan, which he calls the best cake in the country. I have no idea where this cake is from. He makes her take a shot of Malort, and okay, that’s pretty funny.
They go to Jordan’s house, which looks Roscoe Village–y, but I am definitely not confident in that, and we meet his gay daughter and his brothers. Joan tells them all about their date and how she thought that people from Chicago can “of course†ice skate. Joan, between this and when you thought Jonathan knew how to ride a horse because he was from Iowa, I am assuming you view Montana through Ohio as a solid, amorphous blob. I would assume Minnesotans can ice skate, because it’s fricking cold up there and it’s the land of ten thousand lakes. We have one lake in Chicago, and I’m not going out on that thing to skate.
Jordan tells his seemingly non-gay daughter that he’s not at “I love you†or ready to get engaged in two weeks. Okay, that seems like you’re done, then, man. What are you doing? This is hometowns! Jordan seems to know he’s on the chopping block as he speeds through, telling Joan that everyone said they seem so at ease with each other. Joan is confused but still makes out with him next to the car. I maintain that they have the best chemistry, but only when making out.
And then we’re in Wichita, Kansas. Joan calls Chock one of her strongest connections and says he has been from the beginning. “Yeah. We know,†I said resignedly. They meet at his friend’s ranch, so we don’t see Chock’s house, which I find suspicious. Where’s your house, Chock? We learn that Chock’s kids are named Taylor and Tyler, which I hate. They use the occasion to plant an oak tree to honor Chock’s recently deceased mother, Dr. Jill Cobb, who it turns out is amazing? Like, “became a doctor and flew to Bosnia to identify war victims†amazing? What if they stopped hometowns right then and made the rest of the episode a documentary about Dr. Cobb? They don’t do that, though. Instead, we watch Chock and his family play bocce ball.
Joan talks about how into Chock she is, and Chock’s dad tells him that Chock’s in love with Joan, even if he doesn’t know it yet. Chock tells Joan he’s falling in love with her, and we get a “camera spins around them†moment, so it really seems like they’re solidifying Chock as the winner. Ughhhhhhhhhh. Joan says Chock didn’t hold back, and that’s what she wanted. I get it because no one wants to propose on national television and not be really confident in how the other person’s going to respond, but ugh. Fine.
At the rose ceremony, Joan is dressed up as a sexy fire hydrant. She tells Jesse that she’s less confident in the relationships now than before hometowns, so that’s cool, and that two of the men are still pretty shut down, while the other two have been open with her. I just can’t believe that Guy and Chock are considered “emotionally open.†I hate this for Joan. I do think they really believe they’re putting it all out there, but they absolutely are not. Then again, she could’ve had Gary, and she said “no.â€
Chock, Guy, and Pascal get roses, and Jordan goes home, surprising no one. Joan walks him out, tells him, “Time wasn’t our friend,†and sends him on his way. Maybe she also just wants to get to the end of this now. Or maybe she just wants to go back and tell the men that they’re finally leaving the mansion and going to Tahiti. Hurray!
Golden Bachelorette Scoring
Using the Michael Scott “Beach Games†system of points, I will be doling out ten points, a gold star, and a thumbs-up every week. And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.
• Ten Points: To Jordan’s daughter, Ali, and her partner, Kodee, because I make the rules and I was hyped to see Chicago queer ladies on TV.
• Gold Star: To Dr. Cobb for outshining every single man on this show.
• Thumbs-up: To the dog sheriff in Fievel Goes West. Man, I really loved that movie.
• Pushed Into a Chocolate River: Guy, for the wishes of Lake Tahoe.