We operate under certain universal truths in this plane of existence. For example, ice cream is always best when it is straight out of the carton; nothing good happens when you text someone after 2 a.m. or a colony of rats secretly runs the NYC train system. One edict, however, rules above them all: no matter how much you plan or how much money you have, moving is always an abjectly miserable experience that is guaranteed to make you question your sanity. You can start as well-intentioned as possible, neatly wrapping all of your dishes in newspaper and stacking all you like, but by the end of the process, you will be looking across at your partner and mentally calculating which scenario in The First 48 you can safely reenact and get away with. The reason I have held onto my apartment in Brooklyn for ten years is because the trauma of what it took to secure this space is still deeply etched into my bones, and I am not ready to repeat that process. Caroline and Sergio are learning the exact same thing in this episode — there’s no version of moving that is fun; you just have to hang on for your life and hope your relationship survives the stress.
But first things first: Tag lines are here! Lets’ review, shall we?
- Caroline Stanbury: “The only thing old about me is my money.†I would expect nothing less from the icon who recently said that it was “weird watching the show with [her] old face.†No notes for the Lady from London. 7/10
- Sara Al-Madani: “In the land of excess, I find my riches within.†Perfectly annoying in the the irreverent self-help sponcon way that only Sara can be. Chef’s kiss. 8/10
- Taleen: “Take it from me; if you know how to stay chill, you’ll never get burnt.†The line was entry-level charming, but the delivery was very “RHONJ confessional.†Polish it up a bit for the title card! 6/10
- Caroline Brooks: “I may be building glass houses, but you’ll never see me crack.†Four episodes in, and I am unsure how well that claim holds up, but it was cute in the moment. You’re not a proper housewife if you aren’t equipped with equal doses of denial and delusion. 6/10
- Lesa: “The desert may be hot, but I always find the shade.â€Â A cute quip, if a bit reserved and unobtrusive, like Lesa’s presence in the season so far. 6/10
- Chanel Ayan: “If you’re jealous of me, that’s okay, honey. I would be, too.†Like with many things related to Ayan, the humor comes from her inability to grasp the true nature of the assignment, and instead, she barrels straight towards over-the-top confidence to make up for it. 5/10
Caroline and Sergio are finally freeing Michael from turning his house into their personal crash pad with three dogs, two personal assistants, what seems like an entire room dedicated to Stanbury’s purses, and a partridge in a pear tree. It couldn’t be soon enough for Michael, who was damn near blowing up their airbed for them on the way out the door, but the stress of the last-minute details continues to expose the cracks in Caroline and Sergio’s partnership. While Caroline is fretting over last-minute administrative needs, Sergio finds himself aimlessly rifling through drawers and handbags in a desperate attempt to be helpful. It’s a pitiful sight — the young husband just patters around the disheveled room, randomly picking things up and muttering “honey†like a wounded puppy, as Stanbury only becomes more and more aggravated. Moving is a deeply frustrating endeavor, but it also seems that Stanbury is used to chastising her husband as if he is her child, and it is very unseemly to watch play out.
Sergio seems to want adoration and respect and is coming up empty on both ends. I know that Stanbury can be a dry person, but most of the time, when the duo is on camera now, she seems to tolerate her husband at best and is oftentimes actively aggravated by him. It clearly trickles down into the dynamic with the kids — Sergio is closer in age to Caroline’s eldest daughter than to her, and without Stanbury enforcing clear boundaries on the relationship, they feel free to treat him like a guest who has overstayed his welcome. Resigned to a step-daddy-day-care-errand-boy life, it comes as no surprise that Sergio ultimately vented to the other men in the room that he is struggling with feeling like the man in the house. Is his insecurity rooted in lazy heteronormative ideas of what partnership looks like? Sure, but it also seems that there is a serious mismatch in expectations of what they both want out of this marriage. Sergio is looking for love, respect, equal partnership, and children … Caroline seems to be interested in a sex buddy who can drive her around with added tax benefits.
Taleen’s husband informs her of Sergio’s frustrations, and Taleen is kind and discreet enough to take Caroline to the side during Ayan’s “Queens’ Dinner†with all the girls. Caroline takes it relatively in stride, which is surprising enough considering the events just prior: As Ayan forces the women to go through and share affirmations with each other, Taleen directs the most backhanded series of compliments at Stanbury I have seen on my TV in quite some time. “You are unapologetically yourself,†she crows. “You’ve been through a lot — to go from a long marriage and kids and the company — you’re a role model for a lot of women. I look up to you in so many ways.†She might as well have called her a washed-up old lady. Lesa Milan could barely contain her giggles.
Unfortunately, that was Lesa’s most significant moment in this episode. Despite being an unflappable beauty, Lesa seems to have struggled to connect with the women, and the dinner scene is a perfect example. After Taleen and Caroline return from their one-on-one, Lesa makes a big to-do about the nature of their conversation that escalates into an argument for little discernible reason — one second Lesa is asking Taleen what she and Stanbury talked about, the next she is calling her a bitch three times over. Taleen was smart to keep her conversation with Stanbury discreet — they got off to a rocky start, and she didn’t want to threaten their journey towards a decent relationship by bringing her personal information to the group. Her choice to keep their conversation private shouldn’t have ramped up so quickly, ruining an otherwise pleasant dinner hosted by Ayan. I am unsure what the root of the tension seems to be here or if we lost something in editing, but it is an unseemly showing for Lesa, who so far has struggled to make her mark on the show in these first four episodes. It is unfortunate because the show is clearly starting to lay the stage for the demise of Ayan and Lesa’s friendship — they even ended this episode with Lesa blithely declaring that Ayan and her would never behave as Taleen and Caroline Brooks — yet we aren’t getting enough of the sparkle of their bond as we did in the last season. Hopefully, we get more high notes from Lesa before the later fallout. Until next week!
Golden Nuggets
• Taleen leading an outdoor boot camp in 93-degree weather is a level of dedication to fitness I don’t have time for. I will gladly do heavy squats in an air-conditioned gym — which I know they have plenty of in the Emirates, segregated by gender — but ask me to flip tires in the desert, and I will gladly exit stage left.
• Just needed to lend my cosign on karak chai, a sweet, milky tea beverage that I inhale by the gallon. Get you some if you can!
• Shout out to Sara for finding a man who will humor her alien passions. Maybe love is real, after all!
• Ayan can be over the top, as we all know, but I respect and appreciate her willingness to be open about many of the traumas that she has experienced in her lifetime. Not knowing her real age and revealing her previous limited access to dental care — including revealing that her mother once pulled out her rotting back teeth — is not an easy conversation to have for people who aren’t familiar with rural experiences as well as life in lower-class communities. For all her ostentatious behavior, it is her earnestness and desire to heal and grow that makes me continue to want to root for her.