The best thing about The Real Housewives of Miami is that they love an unserious fight. These ladies are up here in these streets (in a Sprinter van) fighting about farts. And corn farts at that! Of all the things on God’s glorious Earth to get upset about, this is what they have chosen to discuss. (Then we have chosen to watch, blog about, discuss on our podcasts, make into GIFs, giggle about in our group chats, and then revisit it all again in about 12 more episodes during the reunion.) Corn farts!
What’s even crazier than that, however, is how ungenerous some of these women read their fellow Housewives. Adriana and her hated duo of Marysol and Alexia (I’d call them Alexsol, but that sounds like a cleaning product) just want to fight with each other, they’re just looking for reasons to hate each other, and they will stoop to such a lowness to achieve it that even ants are like, “Damn, girl, you short.â€
Before we can get to the big fight on the Sprinter (and at this point, there have been so many fights in them we should call them Springer vans after Jerry Springer himself), we need to recap a few other scenes. After Dr. Nicole and Anthony go for some basketball practice, where we learn that, yes, Nicole is good at everything, including sports, we then head over to Adriana’s house where Julia is rehearsing her opera singing for Martina’s “Fuck Cancer†party and benefit for fictitious cancer charity Kill All Cancer. This time, there is a handsome, possibly homosexual, man with a mustache wearing a suit with shorts, and, literally, this is me as a blond. Well, it’s me as a blond who can sing. I hate this guy, and I want to be him.
His singing is great, but Julia’s is so bad that Adriana’s dog starts humping this guy’s leg because the only thing that can distract from the pain in her ears is the pleasure in her loins. Julia is sounding a bit better, though. I hope she pulls it through and doesn’t entirely embarrass herself at the party. Adriana is already embarrassing herself, though, because she doesn’t want to invite Alexia and Marysol into her house, where the party is taking place. She’s also embarrassing both herself and Julia if they think they pulled off their discussion about Adriana having the party at her house. You know this was already discussed and decided upon. Why are we leaving it an open question?
Meanwhile, in Adriana’s old house, Lisa is bringing her kids over to visit her boyfriend, Jody. However, they don’t know he’s her boyfriend; she’s just told them he’s their “Uncle Joe.†Lisa says that she has so many gay friends that she assumes the kids just think that he’s another one of them. You know that’s not working. When the kids go to Jody’s, he talks to them, gives them toys, and lets them play in his pool even though worms are in it. When the kids hang out with the gays, they just give them both side eye, waiting for the nanny to pick them up so they can get the real tea out of their mother. Just wait until Lisa has to break the news to them. “No, kids, he’s not gay. He’s just Canadian.†Also, I love the shady boots editors for titling him “Guncle Joe, Lisa’s Gay Friend?â€
The only thing that’s better is when Guerdy shows up to the Sprinter van for the big basketball game, and she says she’s not going to talk about her cancer diagnosis that day, and then they show Larsa saying, “She told everyone.†I mean, they have their knives sharpened and are trying to eviscerate Larsa in a way the Kardashians never imagined.
As everyone piles onto the bus for the Make a Wish charity basketball game and also Alexia’s birthday, Adriana announces to everyone that she ate corn that day and is dealing with some flatulence. Nine minutes after they pulled out of the meeting place, they had to stop for a bathroom break. Adriana gets out to toot her corn song to the wind and hears Marysol and Alexia talking on the other side of the women’s room door. Okay, it’s not weird for girlfriends to go tinkle in front of each other, right? But know what is weird? Alexia wants one of those conjoined toilets where couples can look each other in the eye when doing their business. I’m sorry, but you should never number two in front of a partner. Yes, you know every inch of each other’s bodies, but that is the one thing that needs to remain private. That’s not just science; it’s the actual law. It’s the 36th Amendment to the Constitution. Look it up.
Anyway, they’re in the bathroom talking about how they don’t want to be hot-boxed by Adriana’s farts all day on the bus. This is a normal and rational conversation, and I don’t blame them for having it. Adriana, very ungenerously, sees it another way. Adriana says they are “spewing their poisonous venom like vipers.†Girl, they aren’t even mad at you, they’re mad at farts. How is Adriana turning this into them being “haters.†They’re not haters; they’re just lovers of their own nostrils.
Then Alexia says that the reason Todd left the Nuevos Horizontes party is because he didn’t want to see Adriana. But she informs the group that when he talked to her and Lisa as they left the party, he had no problem with her. She says she even apologized for what she said about Frankie last season. I believe this, and I think that Todd and Alexia are reaching to keep turning Adriana into a villain for some shit she said last season she has since apologized for. The thing about Adriana is you don’t need to reach to turn her into a villain. Alexia just needs to wait for her to shoot herself in the foot once again.
Case in point, Alexia brings up that Adriana said that the reason Alexia is with Todd is so that she could lord his material possessions over the rest of the group. Again, this is an ungenerous read. Well, Alexia wasn’t going to be with a poor dude, let’s just keep that one hundo, but I don’t think that’s the only reason she is with him. But also, she is definitely lording his money over the other women, but this is Real Housewives. If they’re not lording their possessions over someone, do they even have those possessions in the first place?
When Marysol says Todd was just being nice to Adriana, the whole thing blows up again, and they’re just cursing each other out. Nicole says she has no idea why they’re fighting, and we don’t either, to be honest. What they’re fighting about is a decade of pent-up grievances and recriminations that are coming out on the way to the charity basketball game. None of them cares about the farts or anything. They just fucking hate each other. Simple as that.
When they get to the game, I’m confused about the whole thing. How are they raising money, and where did Larsa get the $40,000 figure they raised? Was it selling tickets? And why were there two teams? And who were all of these other people on the teams? Some didn’t even sign releases, so what is up with that? Is this some kind of general charity basketball game that RHOM just invaded so that they could have an episode? There is so little explanation, and I want to know everything.
A big congrats to Julia, who is the only woman on either team to make a basket, and that is probably because when she raises her arms, they’re basically at the rim already. Nicole sums it up perfectly: There was one basket, three injuries, and five minutes of playing time in total. Back in the locker room, Todd has a cake and a gift for Alexia to celebrate her birthday. She takes out a big box, and I know it’s a watch; Alexia knows it’s a watch, and everyone knows it’s a watch. Adriana, again ungenerously, thinks that Alexia already knew what it was and manufactured this whole moment to show off their wealth. I believe Alexia on this one; she didn’t need to know exactly what the gift was to know it would be expensive. She puts the $48,000 watch on her wrist and asks what time it is. “Time to go home,†Adriana says. I couldn’t have wished for a better ending to one of the most unserious days we’ve ever witnessed.