This was something of a strange episode for our orange claspers, as they all had meetings in pairs (and one trio) to discuss Gina’s disastrous dinner last episode. Then, they go on two separate vacations. Tamra takes Katie, Jenn, and Alexis JJ Bellino to her gorgeous red-schoolhouse-looking house in Big Bear, and Gina takes Emily, Shannon, and Heather for a night in La Quinta and to a house she’s trying to sell that they then spill cocktails all over the white kitchen. Gina is such a girlboss.
The bisected nature of this week’s installment highlighted that this has become a season with one-on-one but intersecting feuds between the women. Rather than looking at the episode as a whole, let’s look at each of these fights and decide whose side we’re on, shall we?
Emily vs. Jenn: As part of Gina’s dinner that we didn’t see, Emily comes after Jenn for wearing a Rolex when she has bills to pay and sings, “I owe, I owe, so not to work I go,†every morning. I was on Jenn’s side on this one. I don’t think Emily is wrong, but there is no reason to go as hard at Jenn, and she goes as hard as J.D. Vance in a Jennifer Convertibles. I could see Gina criticizing Jenn about this because Jenn’s financial troubles directly impacted Girlboss Gina’s business, but Emily has no skin in this particular game.
Then, Emily says that she asked Jenn the time, and she said the watch didn’t even work. You’re telling me you’re poor and you’re wearing a broken Rolex out and about town so that people think that you’re rich when you’re really letting your “entrepreneur†boyfriend pay for everything. Fuck that. Just like Emily says, “It tells me you’re stupid.†(But Heather Dubrow was right: “Don’t yell at someone ’cause they’re dumb.â€)
WINNER: Emily
Katie vs. Heather: Now that Katie’s five-episode grace period is up, I can firmly say that I like Katie. She seems smart, funny, and like she doesn’t care too much about this fame bullshit, and I think those are just the vibes we need right now. Also, when she was describing “Asian flush†to a table of oblivious white women, I felt like her past was retraumatizing her as the only Korean in a white family.
And this “Heather called the paparazzi†nonsense is just the kind of petty fighting I like with my Housewives. I completely and totally believe that Heather Dubrow called the paparazzi, but I also believe that Heather is making a semantic argument that she didn’t. It’s just like Lisa Vanderpump said, “I never sold stories to RadarOnline.†She’s right. She didn’t sell them, she gave them away for free. I also believe that Heather herself did not call up a photographer and had them show up at Disneyland to snap some awkwardly posed photos of Dr. and Mrs. Guinea Pig. So she can say, “I never called the paparazzi in my life,†but you don’t have to be Tree Paine to know that Heather’s publicist (or assistant or hair girl or favorite hostess at Nobu) calls the paps for her. Let’s be honest: That is the kind of housewife Heather has always played, and that’s fine. That’s part of the game. No one cares.
WINNER: Katie
Katie vs. Gina: Katie is upset that when Heather found out what Katie said about the paparazzi, Gina didn’t have her back. Gina hung Katie out to dry like a damp bikini bottom the minute Fancy Pants took umbrage with Gina not defending her. This is the thing about Heather: She wants us to think she’s so demure, but everyone on the cast is scared of pissing her off. If she’s so sweet, why is she so scary?
If I were Katie, I would be pissed that Gina at least didn’t say, “Heather, she didn’t mean it to be that bad. Let’s cut her a break with this one,†but she didn’t. When Katie talks about the fight with the women in Big Bear, Tamra says, “You were set up.†Tamra is a little too used to playing a dirty game and sees one wherever she looks. I don’t think Gina was plotting Katie’s demise; I just think she’s way more scared of Heather — and also of losing her job, should she run afoul of Heather — than she is of Katie.
WINNER: Katie
Heather vs. Gina: Heather is pissed that Gina didn’t shut down Katie when she brought up the paparazzi stuff. This one is a little hard for us to adjudicate because Heather’s whole argument hinges on the idea that she didn’t call the paparazzi and, I’m sorry, I just don’t believe that to be true. (For what it’s worth, I also believe Katie when she says weeks passed between when she told Gina about the paps and when Gina told her not to say it.)
Where Heather loses me, though, is talking about how much this upset her children (two of whom are college-age) and comparing it to when Gina got upset at the last reunion when Shannon was talking about her children. Okay, Shannon said that Gina’s kids were going to be taken by CPS, which is something directly about Gina’s kids. Heather’s children were only obliquely affected by this whole thing in a way that everything that comes up on the show could obliquely affect her kids. If she doesn’t want stories about her or her relationship in the press because the kids might see it, well, maybe don’t be on a reality show.
What’s weird about this is how wrong Heather is playing it. If she said, “Yes, there were rumors about Terry cheating and us splitting up. The kids heard about it and were upset, but it’s really not true. We all know how the tabloids make up stuff up. So, did I pose for pics with Terry to get ‘Page Six’ off our backs? Yes, I did, and I have no problem with that, but I don’t want this bad part of my life to keep coming up all the time,†everyone in the audience and Gina would have totally understood and dropped it. Because Heather’s fighting it, we’re all stuck in this mire pretending like Heather didn’t call the paparazzi like she’s Lady Gaga’s fourth-best song.
WINNER: “Page Sixâ€
Emily vs. Gina: This one was overshadowed by the Heather and Gina fight over half-eaten chili dogs (brought to you by Ozempic). Shannon pulls Emily aside and says, “I don’t want to make you mad, but …†and then tells her about how Gina was telling the ladies that Emily has gotten meaner now that she’s spending all of her time up Tamra’s ass. Yeah, Shannon didn’t want to make her mad except, um, to totally make her mad.
Emily then becomes passive-aggressive with Gina, not telling her what is wrong when something is very wrong. I see where Emily is coming from. She feels like she and Gina are the ones who say that kind of shit to each other about the other ladies, so she doesn’t like to be on the receiving end from her best friend. (I would love to be on the receiving end from my best friend if my best friend was Pedro Pascal.) I know these two are going to work it out. For stirring up drama and then getting out of the way, I have to go with …
WINNER: Shannon Storms Beador
Emily vs. Shane’s Car: Shane (who probably needs a step ladder to get into the giant truck that he loans Emily for their road trip) was very clear that he doesn’t want any eating in his car. I was really onboard with Emily when she was like, “Yes, Shane, we won’t eat in your car†and then pulled out a Costco-size bag of Twizzlers as soon as she rounded the corner. That is a great car snack: no crumbs, no Cheetos dust, no lingering odor. Genius.
She lost me, though, when she pulled into Jack in the Box and they all ate fast food sitting in that pickup. There isn’t an outdoor picnic table? They couldn’t eat inside? And why is Heather telling us their tacos are popular? Why are they all talking about how much they liked it? Is this like a stealth Lisa Barlow Wendy’s commercial? What is even going on here?
WINNER: Spon-con
Elizabeth Vargas vs. Obscurity: Why do Housewives shows pretend like the women who were in previous seasons don’t exist at all? Gina is like, “Oh, my friend Elizabeth Vargas.†Yes, we all know. We watch this show. We know that she was the one in a cult who only lasted one season. Can’t the chyron be, like, “Fired Housewife� Just acknowledge that we know!
WINNER: Cults
Alexis vs. Decency: The whole way up to Big Bear, Alexis is talking about just how great her Johnny J is. “He’s so sweet and decent and pays for everything and has a huge schlong, and we went to two different Christian services on Christmas because that makes Jesus even happier, and, oh, since we’re on our way to Big Bear I should mention that he can hang a television in about seven minutes. Can you believe it?â€
Then she’s on the phone with him talking about how he gets a night off from having sex since she’s away and crowing about how if she were there with him she would only be wearing her high heels and then pulled up her leg to make sure her Faux-bitan was in the frame. God, it’s so gross. Just as Heather didn’t call the paps, I firmly believe that John is only with Alexis to attack Shannon on the show, and that Alexis is only with John for some good D and to get back on basic cable. Shannon deserves hazard pay for this.
WINNER: The memory of Scheana’s ex-boyfriend Rob
Shannon vs. the Forces of Evil: At the very end of the episode, Alexis says that John has videos of Shannon from the night she endangered Archie Beador’s life driving drunk. She says if Shannon doesn’t stop “lying on†John, then he’s going to release them. This guy already sued her for the face-lift money he lent her. Isn’t that humiliating enough? What’s next? Telling everyone she got an enema stuck up her ass and he had to dig it out. Oh, wait. That already happened. Anyway, as Jenn points out to Alexis, “When do you stop the fight? You’re on such a hell path.†It just all seems so base, so tawdry, so Teresa Giudice coded.
Anyway, Alexis says, “Johnny is ready to talk.†Okay, then why isn’t he on the show? Why is he making Jesus and her Juggs take all the bullets here when he’s just hiding behind FaceTime and a smile? And just what can be in those videos? If it’s just Shannon drunk, well, we all know that. Even if she is more wasted than all the girls during Bama Rush, we wouldn’t be surprised. Unless she’s dropping the N-word or talking shit about her supposed friends on the show, I don’t see how these videos could hurt Shannon any more than she’s already hurt. Also, it’s gross to come on her show and hold her hostage. God, this guy is grody.
WINNER: The rest of this season, because, girl, this is gonna be good.