The last Traitor standing, Kate resists the urge to do a Risky Business all alone in the turret. She decides to murder Shereé in the hopes that sacrificing a member of the sacred Bravo flock may draw suspicion away from her. Shereé takes her death in stride, which is more than most people can say. “I’ve been figuring things out,†she tells the camera (better late than never, my perfect angel). For one thing, she has no doubt that Kate’s a Traitor. Why else would she have come in so hot at Phaedra last night?
This, it turns out, is far from an unpopular opinion. Just ask CT, Sandra, and Trishelle. Apparently Kate did such a bad job concealing her true feelings that she may as well have crawled onto the round table and gouged HELLO, I AM A TRAITOR, LOVE KATE, XOXO into the wood with her fingernails. But MJ, sweet MJ, clad in all white because she is pure of heart (and smooth of brain), remains convinced of Kate’s “Faithful energy.†Not at all like that, “Sandra murder energy.â€
Trishelle and CT are confident that, allied with Sandra, their three votes will be enough to get rid of Kate. They seem so optimistic, so sure of banishing her, that I can only imagine what the fuck bullshit is in store — precisely when we cut to a scenic B-roll of a moose screaming. (Is it a moose? I don’t know, babe. I’m doing my best. It’s an ungulate, all right?) If a moose can scream, anything can happen.
Alan, looking like a yassified FDR in those round glasses and that blanket-as-wrap, sends the players off on a helicopter ride to their final mission. They must run around some cliffs, then find their way out to a ship and raise the sails within 60 minutes for $50,000. They have the option to stop for detours along the way, completing tasks that would add extra money to their prize fund but also risk running out of time. The first $5,000 detour sees the gang searching through around 20 lobster traps until they finally find one that contains what I initially mistake for a Stanley tumbler or some extremely unexpected product placement. It is, in fact, a random silver canister containing a prize flag.
Sandra, already much too tired, lumbers past the next detour toward the final destination on their map, with Trishelle trailing her, eager for the opportunity to discuss banishing Kate. This means CT, Kate, and MJ are left to find the next prize flag, which means, in practice, that CT is left to find the next prize flag. When he finally finds it, hidden under one of an untold number of random clumps of seaweed, there’s a combination lock on the canister — he has to run all the way back to the start of their route to find out the code. At this point, the mission is just a very intense personalized workout for CT.
All five players have to abseil — a new word for me, which sounds promisingly like motor-boating someone’s six-pack but actually just means rappelling — 180 feet down from the cliff where they’re standing to the water below. Kate is not good with heights. “Is it possible for the body to throw up and pee at the same time?†she asks.
“Yes,†MJ answers without hesitating. “I can tell you.â€
Once they all make it down, the players are faced with one last detour opportunity, this one for $10,000, and they decide to go for it with only about ten minutes to spare. CT and Sandra wade through deep water into a cave, and though I briefly suspect a Descent-type scenario is ahead, they just pick up another non-Stanley and head on their way. A man (who is he? How did he get this gig? Will he be at the reunion?) motors them over to the boat via dinghy, and they get the flags up with seconds to spare. They celebrate their $50,000 win — bringing their prize total to $208,100 — with a big group hug.
Kate and CT ride back to the castle together. “Are you a Traitor?†he asks her. “How dare you?†she asks him. “That’s rude.†She leans hard enough into acting offended that she starts to actually convince him of her innocence. Back at the castle, CT promptly tells Sandra that she’s Kate’s target. Sandra promptly tells Kate that CT told her that she’s her target. Kate insists she doesn’t think Sandra’s a Traitor at all: “I’m not the one shopping your name around.†Now it’s Sandra who’s flailing. For a split-second, exactly one of my neurons raises a question: Should Kate go on Survivor? Then the rest of my neurons remind me that there is nothing in the known universe that Kate would hate more than Survivor. Kate and CT flirtily throw a cushion at each other (is there a human being that CT does not have chemistry with?) while he tells her Sandra said she’s voting for Kate, and she tells him Sandra said she’s voting CT. This stopped being a he said, she said and is now something closer to a he said, she said, she said, he said, they said, we said, Alan said.
We must begin the round table by discussing the players’ final looks. Kate’s outfit is incredible: a white shirt, white pants, and a white tie with a blue feather pin. Dietrich! CT has on a comically oversized paisley scarf (I don’t dislike it!). MJ chose an excellent, boob-forward leopard-print leather trench that’s like if Romy and/or Michelle woke up in a film noir. I want to say Trishelle wore tweed, but honestly, I’ve already forgotten.
At the round table, Sandra explains that her (good, I think!) strategy was to buddy up to the Housewives because she knew there must be a Traitor among them. If she stayed close, then she’d be protected. “I think I had Traitor angels all along,†she said. But the seeds Kate planted in CT’s brain have taken root. He outright accuses Sandra of being a Traitor, which appears to be significantly more surprising to Trishelle than to Sandra herself. Excuse me, what happened to their plan to banish Kate? She feels like CT broke her trust again.
But even Kate’s outfit is “screaming Traitor,†Sandra protests! “Thanks!†Kate responds cheerily, genuinely delighted by what is an unequivocal compliment. Then all of a sudden we’re voting, which feels a little abrupt, but we have things to do, people to banish! Chop, chop!
Kate and MJ vote Sandra. Sandra votes Kate. To my surprise, not just CT but Trishelle, too, write down Sandra’s name. Another innocent bites the dust. Her heart is broken, she says, but no regrets. The queen deserved better, in my humble opinion. Kate, meanwhile, feels like she’s (semi-literally?) getting away with murder.
The final four assemble beside the “fire of truth,†which, in case you forgot, is basically a glorified Solo Stove. Alan is wearing a blue poncho covered in what appear to be glued-on plastic jewels from the craft store.
As a reminder: If the game ends with a Traitor still present, the Traitor takes the whole pot. If only Faithful remains, they split it. The players choose whether to end the game (if they think only Faithful remain) or banish again (if they believe there’s still a Traitor) by handing Alan a pouch that will either burn green or red when he throws it into the fire.
Kate’s pouch turns green, of course. But everyone else’s is red. As MJ says, Shereé was murdered … so there must have been someone around to murder her. The players vote on their chalkboards and Kate, at last, meets a unanimous fiery end. I love the woman, but I can’t say I’m surprised — I don’t know how she thought she could’ve convinced them that there weren’t any more Traitors left at this point. Well, can’t blame a gal for trying!
With three Faithful remaining, you may think we’re all done here. MJ certainly does. She happily hands Alan her green end-game pouch. But then Trishelle’s pouch burns red. And so does CT’s. They will banish another player tonight.
“Oh, my god,†MJ says. “What the fuck?†I have rarely seen a human mouth hang open wider.
She doesn’t want to vote for either of them. She thinks they’re both Faithful. But deprived of the option to just write a thousand minuscule question marks on her slate, she reluctantly votes for Trishelle. CT votes for MJ. MJ! Lord, not MJ! “It’s nothing personal,†he explains. He just can’t fully trust anyone but Trishelle. His old Challenge colleague has, in turn, voted … for him. Excuse me?! They have become the meme of the three Spider-Men pointing at each other. They’ll have to vote again to break the deadlock.
Trishelle’s doubting him because he reneged on their plan to vote out Kate, she explains, and still pissed at him for saving John instead of her. CT promises they’re in this together.
When they return to the chalkboards, CT and MJ keep their choices the same. It’s all in Trishelle’s studded black leather gloved hands now.
She changes her vote. MJ is banished.
Just then, “Trust is a cruel friend,†sing the extremely heavy-handed lyrics of the made-up-ass song playing in the background.
This was a good old-fashioned double cross. Trishelle just nods when MJ reveals she’s a Faithful — I don’t think for a second that she believed MJ was a Traitor. (Did she even believe CT was a Traitor? What the hell was that about?) Neither did CT. That wasn’t the point. It sure seems like CT and Trishelle had planned this from the beginning: to eradicate whoever made it to the finale with them so that they could share the money just between the two of them. In the end, the Faithfuls were the biggest Traitors of all.
MJ is obviously devastated. “I’m so heartbroken,†she mutters as she leaves the fire. “I hope that makes you guys feel great.â€
When CT and Trishelle officially reveal that they were both Faithful, they’re thrilled. He picks her up and spins her around and repeatedly smooches Alan on the cheek. There are even fireworks, not to mention that tidy $104,000 each.
Intellectually, I want to respect their strong gameplay. That’s what The Traitors is, after all. A game. But … I don’t know, dude. I am not emotionally on board with this win. Maybe I just wish it didn’t have to come down to MJ. They did wrong by America’s Cargo Pants Sweetheart and I carry that hurt in my heart.
That said, CT, I am willing to consider couples counseling.
Reunion Roundtable
• Phaedra is, deservedly, first chair. Trishelle is seated approximately one kilometer away from Andy.
• I missed Deontay!!!
• Johnny Bananas looks like an evil robber baron in a good way. CT looks like he did not know the reunion was today. Trishelle is wearing the Iron Throne on her cleavage.
• Peppermint describes how “upsetting†it was to be banished first and how, as “the most different†of the group, she feels she was the victim of other players’ implicit biases. Cue an absolutely ruthless cut to Trishelle.
• Andy says the ending felt like a “rom-com†between CT and Trishelle, but we all know who the Traitors OTP is. Phaedra admits she initially thought her “castle daddy†CT was a mechanic, not another player.
• MJ is not ready to make nice with CT and Trishelle: “Grifter energy!†CT tells her she played an “amazing†game. Well, then, he “should’ve finished in the right way.â€
• John said MJ can be “upset†but not “aggrieved,†and how about we relax, Roget? (I still love you, diva.)
• Everyone giggles about Peter and Ekin-Su’s rumored relationship. I sincerely do not care. Go ahead, get married, never speak again, and stab each other with plastic forks. It is all the same to me.
• That said, Peter produces a rose out of nowhere and asks Phaedra to accept it. I’m not proud that I think this is pretty cute.
• “I’m a nasty little traitor!’ —Parvati Shallow. (This is my future gravestone inscription.)
• Dan wants Phaedra to know that throwing her under the bus — or, at least, trying to — wasn’t personal. It’s just a game! He likes her! She, however, feels that he is (1) “a low-down son of a bitch,†(2) “a piece of shit,†and (3) “trash.†Yes, in case there is any doubt, she is still really mad at him.
This recap has been updated to include bullets about the reunion.