Last week, I was so distracted by that fake funeral that I didn’t acknowledge the real loss we suffered: Deontay left the show! Apparently, the contentious atmosphere was triggering for him, which is too bad because (maybe not coincidentally!) he seemed like a real sweetheart. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
Among the living, Phaedra accepts Parvati’s apology and her “peace offering†of letting her mastermind the next murder. Whose death would cause the most confusion among the faithful? What if Phaedra were willing to sacrifice a member of her own Bravo family?
I continue to be so tickled by Dan’s attempts to behave like a normal human being among the faithful. “Every night without the shield — sweat,†he says at breakfast the next morning, keeping it super caszh. We’re all trying to find the guy who did this! Also, I feel compelled to note that Trishelle is wearing little furry hand warmers and/or potholders in case, I guess, the mission involves snatching a sheet pan out of the oven.
Sadly, one player never makes it to breakfast, denied a last chance to sample the stalest scones Scotland has to offer: Rest in peace, Tamra Judge. (Now who will keep Kevin from eating with his mouth open? She was our last line of defense!) She tearfully — like, very tearfully; is she okay? — expresses to the camera that she hopes it wasn’t a Housewife who murdered her. As the others discuss why Tamra was targeted, Phaedra busies herself repeatedly asking everyone if there are any boiled eggs on the table — a fixation so odd that I initially worry it’ll draw suspicion to her until I remember that there is never any predicting what Phaedra will say, and therefore this reads as totally normal. As you were, ma’am.
Dan’s game is less seamless. CT prods him to share a theory, a name — or at least “an avenue, or a rabbit hole, a suspicion!†But he continues to demur, instead insisting he’s been privately amassing evidence against a certain someone that he will reveal in due time. Peter, John, Bergie, and especially his former esteemed Big Brother colleague Janelle all agree that, at this point, Dan might as well have stuck a Hello My Name Is TRAITOR tag onto his shirt. But we need to talk about Kevin, who, unbeknownst to anyone but Kevin, has been secretly living his own version of Moby Dick, quietly harboring a vendetta against Janelle since day one. Dan is naturally delighted to hear anyone else’s name floated as a possible traitor, particularly once he catches wind that Janelle is rallying votes against him.
For today’s mission, Alan (peacock feather cap, fur coat — that’s a yes and a yes) instructs the players to divide themselves into two groups. Half will be stationed inside the castle; the others will be out on the grounds. Only that second group will have a shot at winning a shield. There is no shortage of volunteers for the outside team, but there can only be six, who get paired up accordingly: Trishelle and Bergie, Peter and Janelle, Shereé and Kevin.
These teams of two must listen to bird calls and replicate those bird calls via walkie-talkie for the inside players to hear. Then, the other half of the cast must match those calls with those of model birds scattered throughout the castle. There are also those shields up for grabs for the first outdoor duo who can reach them. This mission vaguely reminds me of The Amazing Race — pairs of contestants in color-coordinated outfits running from station to station and exhibiting wildly varying degrees of competence. Kevin and Shereé’s decision to immediately go for the shield is foiled by Kevin and Shereé’s utter inability to read a map.
But the true joy is to be found indoors. It is infectiously, stupidly fun to watch the players run gleefully through the castle doing their best imitations of these insane bird noises — my personal favorites being a whistle that goes ooooWEEP, a straight-up woof woof, and a wooooOwwww that I can best describe as a Frankenstein groan with a dash of Owen Wilson. This mission may rival Chopped for the reality TV competition I most want to replicate with my friends in real life. When time runs out, the players have won $10,000 out of a possible $15,000 — not bad! (My expectations: They’re low!)
Outside the castle walls, Bergie and Trishelle manage to find the shields first. Good for them! Peter concocts a plan, correctly surmising that all the traitors wound up inside the castle for this mission. If the traitors — who will likely assume that it was he and Janelle who cunningly went out of their way to get shields — don’t know who’s truly protected, that could trick them into wasting a murder on a player who can’t be killed, giving the faithful a “much larger blanket of protection.†The other outside players are in, and they quickly circle their wagons. When Alan asks if the shield winners care to reveal themselves, Janelle answers for all of them: “In the best interest of the faithful, we are not willing to reveal any information.†In the hopes of setting a traitor trap, Peter then takes each of CT, Parvati, and Dan aside and lets them in on a secret that is not true: He and Janelle have the shields. Now — to sit back and see who gets murdered. I want to give credit (and apologize) to Peter, who is a lot smarter than I expected him to be, and even though this isn’t exactly the No. 1 most waterproof scheme I’ve ever heard, I’m proud of the faithful for finally having come up with any kind of strategy at all.
Alan has a surprise in store for us, and it’s not just the welcome return of his monogrammed trench coat: A new player has been summoned to the castle. That late addition to the cast proves to be none other than our very own Reality Television Arts and Sciences Class of 2023 Valedictorian Kate Chastain. The scream I scrumpt, the gasp I gumpt. Everyone is excited to see the Below Deck alum, last season’s anti-anti-hero, who acknowledges in a confessional that her castmates will have preconceived notions of her being bitchy and unpredictable — “and all of those things are true,†she says. I love her so much and am so excited to see her that I physically don’t know what to do with myself, so I get up and take a lap around my apartment. Please let next week’s mission hinge on creating an elaborate tablescape.
The others don’t know if Kate’s a faithful or a traitor (she is, to her disappointment, a faithful), but she will have a vote tonight. I’m glad she arrived in time to enjoy this round table look from Alan, a cardigan I can best describe as five chickens had to die, but, like, chic?
There’s a fair amount of chatter about suspiciously noncommittal Dan, but the tide soon turns against Janelle. Kevin is monologuing about how she is the root of all evil or something when Kate (non-disruptively) whispers to MJ next to her to confirm what Kevin’s name is. “Kate, could you listen to me?†he complains, channeling the terminally cursed vibes of the worst coworker you’ve ever had. “You weren’t listening.†Aaaaaaand mark it. Time of death, episode five: The displeasure of Kevin’s company has officially outweighed his visual appeal.
With Sandra’s vote for Janelle, the episode briefly veers into a cut scene from a David Mamet play:
JANELLE: “Drink that water. You’re nervous, aren’t you?â€
SANDRA: “No. My mouth is dry.â€
JANELLE: “Okay, Sandra.â€
SANDRA: “You’re a traitor.â€
JANELLE: “You’re a fucking traitor.â€
SANDRA: “You’re a fucking traitor.â€
JANELLE: “You’re a traitor, bitch.â€
SANDRA: “You’re the biggest fucking traitor here, so fuck off.â€
JANELLE: “You fuck off.â€
These are the votes for Dan, who is, in fact, the biggest fucking traitor here: Janelle, of course, plus Peter, John, Trishelle, and Bergie. Alas, the majority of players write down Janelle’s name — including Kate, who says she needs to vote with the group to begin with, a lesson she learned from Big Brother. (Our fellow student of reality television is also well aware, for the record, that Dan “wins everything.â€)
“I’m a faithful, you idiots!†Janelle cries out from the Circle of Truth. What a world, what a world.
After the round table, Dan promises he’ll take his shot and, at long last, name a name tomorrow. Dan, I am begging you to be normal, please. Why the drama? Why do you need to gather all the suspects in a room and slap on a sumptuous fake mustache with spirit gum like you’re Hercule fucking Poirot? (Unless this gambit is going to end with him turning on one of his fellow traitors, I’m already underwhelmed. And even then…?)
Up in the turret, it’s clear that Parvati and Phaedra’s reservoirs of patience are also reaching drought levels. When they ask Dan what name he’s putting out tomorrow, he brushes them off just like the others — he’s going to sleep on it, he says. Okay, pal. “Get your suit ready because if you play like this, I’m going to be embalming you myself,†Phaedra tells him.
Parvati deduces with objectively hilarious speed that — given Peter confided in both her and Dan (who he voted for!) about his supposed shield — he’s obviously lying. Nevertheless, as Peter intended, the traitors can’t say for sure who’s unmurderable this time around. Parvati suggests choosing someone who wasn’t outside during the mission and is therefore definitively shield-free: What about John, who voted for Dan tonight?
Sorry, no. That is entirely too reasonable. Instead, Dan wants to roll the dice on Bergie because Bergie said he was already planning to write Dan’s name down at the next round table. “I need this murder,†Dan explains, a sentence that, even in context, should surely pique the interest of some FBI agent somewhere.
Phaedra isn’t happy to have a target on her beloved “Bergalicious.†She tries to explain to Dan that if he were to have the “correct conversation and interaction†with Bergie, he could win him over and neutralize the threat. But I suspect Dan isn’t capable of pulling that off. I love this moment because it crystallizes the unique skillset that the Housewives — whose abilities are often unfairly doubted by their fellow players — bring to The Traitors, and precisely what Dan, a great game player, lacks: subtle, strategic social finesse. The medium is the message, honey.