The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On
Please note: This recap covers episodes one through three.
Okay friends, before we go any further, let’s pour one out for Lisa, who will be deeply missed. Has any woman given more to reality television in just three episodes than her? She did not let up for a single second of her screen time and honestly, I would die for her at this point.
Hello, and welcome to season two of The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On, the reality dating show with the most fucked-up premise this side of MILF Island. Six couples are on the brink of either getting engaged or breaking up. In each of these relationships there is one partner who has issued a marriage ultimatum, and their partner at least loves them enough to agree to hash this out in the messiest way possible in front of a streaming audience.
First we have Lisa and Brian. Lisa is 31 and feels like her uterus has become a ticking time bomb. As soon as cameras begin rolling, Lisa starts to majorly regret her decision to come here. More on that later.
Next, there’s Kat and Alex. Kat is a very nice lady who wants a husband and Alex is a monster who says they’ve just been too busy skiing and surfing and traveling and stuff to remember to get engaged. Even less well matched are Antonio and Roxanne. Antonio can’t stop talking about his own financial insecurity and has literal nightmares about losing Roxanne. Roxanne is a high-powered workin’ lady who genuinely seems to hate Antonio.
Ryann and James are recent college graduates and high-school sweethearts who have never spent more than two (supervised!) weeks together at a stretch. Riah and Trey actually seem to be at a genuine impasse because Riah isn’t sure if she ever wants kids and Trey absolutely does.
Everybody strap in because this is about to be a wild ride.
But back to Lisa’s regrets. Nick Lachey has gravely informed the couples that this will be their last night together before they officially become “exes,†after which they will date the other participants and choose one to “practice†marry for a week. Then, they will “practice†marry their original partner, and at the end of it all decide whether to get married, move on, or, most tantalizing, move on with one of the other “singles†they’ve been pretend-dating. Lisa has her first freakout at around 1:30 in the morning that very night. Now, Lisa is very much getting the psycho edit here, but I would argue that she is the only one responding like a normal person. This is an objectively bonkers setup, to which the only rational human response is to freak the fuck out.
Imagine you’re with somebody you love deeply enough to marry, and then you’re supposed to flirt, date, and move in with other people in front of each other. And everyone thinks Lisa’s the nutty one for getting jealous? Honestly, the more Lisa unravels, the more normal she seems to me. At the cocktail party, everyone is pretending this is fine except for Lisa, who is the only one joking things like, “I will choke you on camera,†and, “So, uh, another shot?†Lisa is the only one who interrupts her man getting to know somebody new because she doesn’t like it, and she’s the only one who storms out of the place shouting, “We’re done. Fuck the ultimatum. Fuck marriage. Fuck you.†This is relatable. She does smack Brian in the face out of fury, which I do not condone, but still.
Luckily for Lisa and Brian and unluckily for the rest of us, they decide to exit the show early because Lisa is … drumroll please … pregnant! God bless you, Lisa. You will be so missed.
Back to our regularly scheduled shenanigans, where our couples have helpfully sorted themselves into a dark side and a light side. On the axis of evil is Alex and Kat and Antonio and Roxanne. Once they’ve split from their partners, Alex and Roxanne immediately bond over both being proud assholes. They’re the kind of assholes who congratulate themselves on their willingness to “tell it like it is†and “just be real with people,†without the self-awareness necessary to realize they’re actually just being hurtful. “I would do anything for Antonio. Except, I guess, marry him right now,†says Roxanne, who later tells Alex she predicts Antonio is feeling insecure that Alex has all the things going for him that Antonio does not. (This is precisely what Antonio is feeling). “Cheers to breaking up!†Alex toasts cheerily at the pool party, while Kat stands sadly beside him.
When it comes time to choose a new partner, Alex and Roxanne become downright mean. “I can’t wait for you to feel less intimidated,†Roxanne tells Antonio after he chooses Kat. Says Alex to Roxanne, “You’re like the polar opposite of my ex. You’re very witty and smart.†Brought together by rejection, Antonio and Kat nevertheless try to make the best of things. Fooling exactly no one, they agree that they are actually handling this situation the best out of everyone. I mean, the best part of Antonio’s whole day was finding out the air mattress he’ll be sleeping on is actually pretty comfortable. Little does he know that Roxanne is, at that very moment, quizzing Alex on whether he sleeps nude and if he’s ever done anal.
This is getting too ugly, let’s move on to our distinctly less odious couples: Ryann and James and Riah and Trey. Trey and Ryann, the ultimatum-issuers, have come together after a few dates spent flashing their blinding white teeth at one another. They’re both traditionalists, ready to settle down and start making kids like yesterday. James and Riah, the ultimatum-issuees, find that they also have a lot more in common than they might have expected. Both were raised by single mothers, giving them some well-earned wariness about the whole marriage thing. James finds it easier to talk about his difficult childhood with Riah, who had a similar upbringing, than he does with Ryann. At the same time, while Antonio and Kat’s ultimatums have already backfired spectacularly, the ultimatum seems to be having a more positive effect on Riah and James. James in particular.
Back at their new houses, Trey and Ryann are having playful pillow fights before bed and teasing each other about their snores. (We also learn that Ryann has a dog she named Blanche, a fact I personally find delightful.) But while James and Riah are vibing, James is also losing his shit. “I am scared I’m about to lose Ryann. Everything that Trey was saying was true,†James says in a post-Choice confessional. “She’s nice, beautiful eyes, caring, compassionate, and driven. It’s like yeah, you’re right. I don’t even know why I agreed to come do this. I feel like a fucking idiot.â€
This speech is, in fact, a lot like what he says in a midnight call to his buddy when he was on his “run.†He ends the episode openly weeping into his hands.
So, congratulations, Ryann. You’ve just won the whole game.