Well, that was anticlimactic.
At the end of their two-and-a-half-month experience (On Love is Blind, it’s an “experiment.†On The Ultimatum, it’s an “experienceâ€), all four couples got engaged, and every toxic dynamic in every relationship remains unchanged. Ironically, the only couple whose relationship has taken an appreciable step forward is also the only couple not to have gotten engaged: Lisa and Brian, who are now parents.
In the finale episode, James, Trey, Alex, and Antonio, all professing to have “learned a lot†about themselves, got down on one knee. And Ryann, Riah, Kat, and Roxanne, with varying degrees of enthusiasm and eloquence, accepted. Now, was there ever really a world in which Ryann and James didn’t get engaged? I doubt it. Ryann may not want to hear this, but she is 23 years of age, and James still had plenty of time to pop the question. Whatever, I’m happy for them. I get it.
As for the others? With all the usual caveats about not knowing exactly what happens in somebody else’s relationship behind closed doors, I have a hard time believing in any of these relationships right now. Roxanne still doesn’t believe in marriage. Trey and Riah still have vastly different visions for their immediate futures. And Alex is still the worst.
Kat asserts that Alex has been getting better at being vulnerable and expressing his emotions. I think it’s bold of her to assume Alex has emotions at all. Right up to the getting-ready montage before decision time, Alex is still “confused†and “conflicted.†He is too conflicted to bother ironing his shirt, even. He gets through the entire proposal without saying anything specific about his betrothed, which is pretty on brand, and after she says “yes,†he shrugs, “It’s awesome.†Does Kat know that Alex only wants to be married for the marketability factor or, at best, to be able to file joint tax returns? I fully believe Antonio would throw his body in front of a moving train if Roxanne asked him to, but I don’t think Alex would let Kat so much as tell him to get a haircut.
I was, in fact, much more surprised that Alex proposed than I was that Roxanne said yes. Roxanne may have a near-pathological terror of the institution of marriage, but she cannot quit Antonio. Pulling out her handwritten note, Rox says, “I was so nervous I made it origami.†Antonio: “I didn’t know you knew how to do that.†Roxanne: “I don’t; I had to watch a video.†This is how people who are in love talk. It’s all sweet nonsense and inside jokes. It’s also Antonio repeatedly assuring Rox that no matter what, it’s going to be okay. This is true love, whether or not she likes to wear her engagement ring.
Now, will they go the distance? Literally who knows? This is, I’m pretty sure, the one question anyone tuning into the reunion episode actually wanted answered. But it was a little like the Arrested Development joke with the dead dove in the fridge. I don’t know what I expected. Antonio and Roxanne are still together and still engaged, but Roxanne finds something about wearing an engagement ring vaguely patriarchal and sexist, so she doesn’t. Antonio is still working hard at becoming the girlboss Roxanne knows is buried deep inside him somewhere. Everything is about as fine with their relationship as it ever is.
We don’t learn much more about the other couples either because Vanessa Lachey’s hosting style is that of a woman desperately trying to make friends at the neighborhood block party. In lieu of follow-ups, she offers deliberately inoffensive anecdotes from her own marriage. Rather than asking cast members to describe their feelings, Vanessa prefers to sum them up herself. As Roxanne is explaining that she feels more commitment in her relationship now that she’s engaged, Vanessa interjects, “And you like that.†James sometimes stays up too late for Ryann’s liking, so Vanessa jumps in, heavily nudging her own husband, “Do you stay up late with SportsCenter on and you fall asleep with the TV and the lights on?†Is James supposed to say yes? Is Ryann supposed to reach over Nick’s lap, grab Vanessa by the elbow, and squeal, “Oh my God, girl, he totally does that,†so they can start a side conversation complaining about their husbands? “That’s really specific,†James laughs awkwardly. Vanessa cares neither to highlight conflict nor to resolve it, and brief flare-ups between Kat and Roxanne and Lisa and Riah wither beneath her lack of interest.
Nick Lachey might have the skill and charisma it takes to be a capable host, but he’s also the kind of guy who says shit like, “happy wife, happy life.†He takes his cues from the ol’ ball and chain. His old lady. The missus. It is Nick’s job to banter pleasantly with her to cover any awkward moments, of which there are several. Otherwise, he’s just Ken.
One gets the impression that Vanessa is trying to be a little bit shocking but not rude. So we don’t get any questions about all of the insulting things Alex said about Kat, James’s clearly fraught relationship with his mother or his traumatic childhood, or where Trey and Riah currently live. We do get a segment called “James After Dark,†which is just a supercut of James doing awkward sex things, and a newlyweds game with hard-hitting questions like, “Who is your partner’s celebrity hall pass?â€
Somehow, we manage to glean that both Kat and Alex and Ryann and James have wedding dates set (Kat has her save-the-date tucked under her butt), and Riah and Trey are planning a destination wedding in the spring of 2025. It’s looking like Antonio and Roxanne have at least a few more breakups and makeups to go before he finally gets her down the aisle, depending on the success of his new car-wash business. Lisa and Brian have a baby son named Mason.
Everyone talked a big game about lessons learned and personal growth, but all I learned from this show is that no one likes to be called a “Hooters bitch,†especially by someone who used to be a Hooters server herself. The more you know.