The White Lotus Kill or Be Killed Report: Our Lips Are Sealed

In this week’s fourth installment of The White Lotus, “In the Sandbox,� our troubled vacationers make some intriguing discoveries. Portia finds a new guy, Lucia finds God, Bert finds some naked girls in his hotel room, Harper finds a telltale condom wrapper, and Tanya finds a man to worship her. But do we find any further evidence on the matter of who will commit homicide and who will die in Sicily? Time to make like Harper and ask some leading questions!

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Ethan

Just wall-to-wall rookie mistakes by this alleged genius over here, starting with abiding by the flimsy laws of “bro code� with his college buddy over the relationship he’s in with his wife, one built on a foundation of honesty that is frankly sort of annoying to observe and clearly brings its own issues — lots of casually cruel in the name of being honest shots fired between these two. But whatever, buddy, that’s the bed you made! Since when does he even care enough about Cameron’s marriage to be concerned whether it survives this vacation? He’s so obviously not being transparent about what went down the other night that Harper doesn’t even need to find the condom wrapper to feel her suspicions are warranted. And then he decides to low-key gaslight his wife when she tells him that she knows Cameron cheats … I think Ethan might be signing his death certificate with this behavior!
Will he kill? Still doesn’t seem like he has it in him. Doubtful.
Will he be killed? If he keeps messing up like this, yeah, it sure could go that way!

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Cameron

Is Cameron going to get himself killed through sheer carelessness? A married man who would leave his condom wrapper lying around is somebody who is courting danger. I want to be more invested in this, but the Sullivans and Spillers are just running in tired little circles every episode. Are all men helpless scoundrels … are all women suckers whose silence can be bought … are there no other questions we could ask about the nature of long-term heterosexual monogamy? Sigh.
Will he kill? Though it’s not clear who his target would be, he for sure seems like someone who could be a murderer.
Will he be killed? Guys like this never die. Nah.

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Harper

Discovering that her oh-so-honest husband is, in fact, a mere man (ugh) who will choose fidelity to his douchey college bro over telling his wife the truth is absolutely enough to make this woman commit mariticide. (Autocorrect keeps trying to turn that into matricide because as a society we’ve decided it’s so cool and normal to up and Lizzie Borden your mom, meanwhile killing your husband is too weird for Google docs to accept … hmmm.) I am a little surprised at the glee with which she reports that the Sullivan marriage is a “front,� seeing as she seemed to genuinely bond a bit with Daphne. (Maybe that was Stockholm syndrome?) Also: Harper made fun of Daphne for having “no female friends,� but does Harper have no girlfriends she can text about her current situation to plot her next move? Pots and kettles!
Will she kill? Her ability to find the condom wrapper, hide it, and strategically deploy it when she is ready for that grenade to go off shows me that she has the cold, calculating skills of an assassin who would absolutely be able to do a homicide. 
Will she be killed? Unless Daphne decides that Harper is just another snake and is SO convinced of this that Harper’s death actually brings her joy or has no effect on her whatsoever, Daphne’s good mood from the premiere tells me that Harper is a survivor.

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Daphne

What does she know?? I wonder if she has a sense that Cameron saying “I missed you� is code for “I cheated on you and I’m sorry about it�?
Will she kill? I believe she is capable of anything, except divorce. Maybe!
Will she be killed? Daphne will outlive us all. 

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Lucia

Our girls have chosen separate paths — they earn stand-alone spots in this week’s murder roundup. This week, we learn that Lucia’s last name is “Greco,� which I’m choosing to believe means she exists in the Elena Ferrante cinematic universe. That said, we also learn that Lucia is absolutely terrible at the part of her job where she, you know, gets paid by her consenting clients. I’m no expert, but I’d think this is the sort of business where you’d want to establish expectations and collect payment up front! And I get why the preferred tender here is cash, but doesn’t anybody have Venmo? I find her late-onset Catholic conscience pretty implausible and (a worse sin in these parts) boring. “All whores are punished in the end.� Girl, what century are we in?? Anyway, it’s not clear if she is hooking up with Albie for pleasure — if so, how cool of her to fit in some pro bono work this week — or if she is taking advantage of his naïveté and will charge him in the morning, though I maintain that not establishing the ground rules of their tryst up front is poor form on her part. Not that Albie would know.
Will she kill? If she’s getting cold feet about sex work, she probably doesn’t have the stomach to break the first commandment. Nah.
Will she be killed? When Dominic finds out what she was doing with his son, will he do anything to be rid of her? Maybe! 

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Tanya

“If you’re looking for a friend, gay guys are really the best,� she tells Portia. “Because, let’s face it, women are kind of depressing.� Hmmm. Well, I really hope her new gay friends don’t take her to Palermo just to murder her out there in some Eyes Wide Shut–style party situation.
Will she kill? Just doesn’t seem like her style, and what are the odds Greg actually comes back to face her again? No.
Will she be killed? She’s certainly going to a place where it would be very easy for her to be murdered and never found … but I still think she’ll survive.

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Valentina

I find this whole side deal with Valentina being a creepy boss (under the guise of protecting Isabella from creepdom) sort of painful to watch, do you? Maybe she’s turning Rocco into the sort of person who could take a life, but seeing as we know Valentina survives, I’m not sure who he’d take his murderous rage out on down by the beach club. Also: HOW did she get a job running this hotel when she is SO bad at it? She doesn’t have a recommendation for a jewelry store? Seriously? Part of what worked last season was that Armond was melting down in private but doing everything possible to keep it together for the guests, even the ones who obviously hated him. But Valentina’s open hostility and disinterest in her job is pretty distracting … I can’t imagine she’d be able to keep her post after even one of these rich guests left one scathing, accurate Yelp review about their experience with her.
Will she kill? I still say she won’t.
Will she be killed? Too bad for Rocco, Valentina makes it out.

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Portia

For 90 percent of this episode, Portia continues to dress horrendously and feels guilty for giving Albie the slip. Sweetheart, it’s vacation … you committed to nothing, just go live your life! The best (?) thing she can say for Albie is that “he’s not nonbinary,� and I’m not sure what we are supposed to take from that assessment. Also, is it just me or is she starting to speak in some of the same rhythms as Tanya? Is this a deliberate choice to show us that Portia is slowly becoming the woman she despises or just an inevitable effect of spending a lot of time with Jennifer Coolidge? I am skeptical about the endgame of this Jack character (more on him later), but for now, I’m glad that Portia is having a good time and, by the end of the episode, a good dress.
Will she kill? The girl can barely handle her own affairs, let alone take on an extracurricular homicide. Nope.
Will she be killed? The person who is angriest at her right now is gentle, harmless Albie. No way.

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Quentin

So Tanya has found a flock of gay men to worship her, which does feel correct (see: Jennifer Coolidge), although I can’t say I totally get what we get out of having this central character so far to the side of all the others. Will she ever interact with anyone else that we care about? She’s on her own island out there — soon, literally.
Will he kill? He has the means and opportunity, so all he needs is motive. Could be!
Will he be killed? Seems sort of random to introduce him now just to off him, no? But I guess at this stage anything is possible. 

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Jack

Jack is Quentin’s nephew, allegedly, though I feel like their vibe is … not that. Right? I mean what is this “straight� (as far as we know) guy doing in this group with absolutely no one else his own age to hang around with? Maybe he’s in Lucia’s line of work? Someone is QUITE confident about his ability to make someone’s night is all I’m saying. Either way, I am happy Portia’s having a good time for once in her life.
Will he kill? I have no evidence to support this but it does seem like something he could do.
Will he be killed? For now, I doubt it. 

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Mia

If you thought Lucia’s story line was getting dumb, well, WELL, well, does Mia have a twist that’ll make you go “Jesus Christ, you canNOT be serious.� Mia cares for nothing but music! So she decides, immediately, that she MUST have sex with Giuseppe the pianist … like, right now? Without establishing clearly what it is she expects in return for her services? WHY DO THESE GIRLS NOT SET THEIR RATES UP FRONT? Is the White Lotus the only hotel with a bar with a piano in all of Sicily? Why would she think that the best person to get her a job playing the piano at this bar is literally the only person who would lose his job if she were to get what she wants? She, too, has a sudden rush of Catholic guilt and cannot look at the paintings in the deconsecrated church (??) while she tries and fails to fuck the pianist. Also, I’m sorry, but can’t the girl just Google “what does Viagra look like�? Not that complicated a process!! I was rooting for her, but now I’m struggling.
Will she kill? By accident? Oh, extremely possible.
Will she be killed? Again, I say she is so dopey that I would not be surprised if she got blitzed and fell in the Ionian Sea trying to convince a waiter to let her blow him so she could sing during dinner service. Totally plausible outcome. 

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Albie

Albie blows off his grandpa just in time to see Portia flirting with somebody else, and his efforts to win her back go nowhere. Tough break. I worry about him even though he finally has enough of a backbone to stand up to his dad. Hope he enjoys his thrilling night before what’s sure to be a very awkward morning!
Will he kill? So far we have no reason to think this is where his journey is headed.
Will he be killed? Too sad, no way.

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Dominic

Losing points in my book by being even more brazen re: the emotional manipulation of his son (“I’d just think you want the family to stay together�). If he didn’t want his “girlfriend� for the week to go traipsing around with his son, he should’ve hired someone his own age!
Will he kill? His increasing misery, isolation, and desperation all point to his ability to take a life. Totally possible.
Will he be killed? God, what if Mia and Lucia feel like their only way out of some situation is to get rid of him? They’re such chaotic disasters that that seems like a real possibility to me. 

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Bert

I’ll give him this: The man is having a great vacation, and he’s basically the only one. Good for you, Nonno.
Will he kill? Why would he mess with a good thing? Doesn’t seem likely.
Will he be killed? The man is unbothered! He’s finding naked girls in his hotel room that he didn’t even have to pay for! Nonno will live forever.

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Giuseppe

I don’t think he dies from taking too much molly or whatever it was Mia gave him by mistake, though I personally would like to at least punch him for his insistence to Mia that the reason men need to have power is so “pretty girls like you� can “skip to the front of the line.� Like Ethan at the top of this episode: Barf.
Will he kill? I mean, he’s mad at Mia, but I can’t imagine he’s that mad. No.
Will he be killed? His survival this time around could be a red herring, but I think it means he’s safe for good.