The White Lotus Kill Or Be Killed Report: You Can’t Go Home Again

As you might expect from the title of this sixth episode, “Abductions,� many of our not-so-happy campers are getting, ah, swept away by their vacations. Everybody has reached that point in the trip where they are completely losing their minds — assuming they all arrived of sound mind in the first place, which, honestly with this crowd, who knows? The vibes are deteriorating. We are but minutes away now from some MURDER, so let’s review our suspect standings.

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Harper

I know that most couples don’t “make sense,� but Harper and Ethan really don’t land. Do we buy that they were ever in love? We are supposed to believe there was a time in which they were all over each other and then they lost that loving feeling, but distant and disinterested seems like their baseline state. I respect all the points she makes about their relationship (“we’re too young to be this old�), and if I had any reason to fight for the endurance of their marriage I might feel differently about this, but all we know is that she was into him before he made his millions and now we are to believe he yearns to trade up but cannot (implausible, because she is Aubrey Plaza). The fun question is: Do we think Harper and Cameron really hooked up, or is she just acting shady on purpose to make her lying husband feel as crazy as she felt?
Will she kill? Lately it seems like she’s having more fun with psychological torture and will not actually murder anyone.
Will she be killed? For some reason I’m going with no way.

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Ethan

Ethan is really dying on the hill of “I didn’t LITERALLY cheat on you, GOD� even though his dishonesty about the matter has already been proven and it would be better for him to stop being so defensive and start owning that he wasn’t being up front with his wife! Everything he says is the worst thing you could say. (His wife pours her heart out about their dying romance and he’s like, “work’s been insane,� which is how you text somebody back when you can’t swing happy hour NOT how you address your crumbling marriage.) It is very fun to watch him completely unravel after being such a dick about Harper’s suspicions. He’s so mad that she’s in a good mood! Watching Cameron make out with Daphne makes Ethan yearn only for death.
Will he kill? This dude seems VERY close to snapping, so, yeah, he may very well be a killer!
Will he be killed? Somehow I feel like the Mike White move is to let this man live and simmer in his misery. I think he lives.

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Daphne

I know that Cameron lies to her and they have this thing where they cheat and pretend not to be cheating, and all of that is “wrong� and “bad� and also Cameron is a dick, but their marriage looks really fun! I’m sorry that muscle-y Timothée Chalamet did a number on Daphne’s back … do we think that’s a euphemism for infidelity?! Anyway, I love her breakfast outfit.
Will she kill? I think she COULD, but I feel like she won’t.
Will she be killed? I’m so happy we know she survives.

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Cameron

Having the time of his life, this one. Pay your sex workers, Cameron! It is the literal least you can do!
Will he kill? Definitely seems like something he would do, although it’s hard to see what his motive or need would be … he’s a solid maybe.
Will he be killed? I wonder if it’s his body we see bobbing in the sea at the end?! Also a maybe!

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Portia

So Portia stayed too long at the fair with her man and winds up trapped with him while he gets totally blitzed and reveals the depths of his personality are … not all that deep. All while dressed in the coolest threads the 1996 dELiA*s spring break catalog has to offer. Though she dreams of one day knowing fulfillment, Jack has decided they live in the best possible moment in the best possible timeline (extremely white guy thing to say) and, in an absolutely stunning twist, believes all anyone should ever do is drink all day and ingratiate yourself with wealthy people who will fund said day-drinking. (I love her delivery of “are you joking?� as a response to Jack asking what’s wrong with the world, and the way she says “what hole?� knowing what we know about Jack’s extracurriculars is just perfection.)
Will she kill? You know what? If she has to, I bet she could!
Will she be killed? Gosh, I hope not. I want her to know how it feels to be satisfied, and also to live long enough to develop a less horrendous aesthetic. Let’s pray for her survival! 

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Tanya

Tanya declines to give Portia all the information she has, instead just saying she has a “strong hunch� that the gentlemen hosting them are not, in fact, uncle and nephew. Unfortunately, based on how Tanya has been acting this entire time, you can’t really blame Portia for ignoring her counsel. As cute as Nicolo, this gent from “an influential local family� is, well, I’ve seen the episode of The Nanny where Fran dates a mobster and it doesn’t go great for her. Tanya is having the time of her life doing what seems like a lot of cocaine to me (admittedly a nonexpert on the matter), like maybe too much? All things in moderation, I always say. Anyway, she’s having the kind of incredible night you know is going to lead to a horrifying morning. Enjoy it while it lasts! I think it’s very funny that under the cavalcade of compliments Quentin provides, plus oodles of champagne and coke, Tanya basically lets herself forget what she saw the night before… you can practically hear her saying to herself, as the men hold her tendrils off her face so she can snort sans interference, who am I to tell this man not to fuck his fake nephew? 
Will she kill? To get out of there alive, she might have to! I could see her committing a homicide.
Will she be killed? Tanya will never die.

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Albie

On the one hand, it’s very brazen and hilarious of Albie to bring Lucia as their translator for this trip to the motherland. On the other hand, I can’t believe that none of the Di Grasso adults arranged for a translator in advance, considering they don’t speak a lick of Italian between them and the entire point of the trip was to visit the old country and see if they had any living relatives with whom they could connect. How exactly did they think that was going to work? I mean, even if any of them spoke textbook Italian, they’d need someone who could understand dialect! Anyway, I understand that Albie doesn’t typically avail himself of a sex worker’s services, but a lot of the basics here — she has to earn money or there will be consequences—must be things he has absorbed through the pop culture he knows enough about to find repugnant, no? The way Lucia has to explain it to him, as if he is in kindergarten, made me want to scream.
Will he kill? I am feeling more and more like Lucia is going to make Bambi eyes at Albie until he kills someone on her behalf, thus embodying all that toxic masculinity his dad and grandpa insist is natural and necessary. He is a contender.
Will he be killed? Too dark! No way.

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Lucia

I continue to struggle with Lucia, just because she still feels more like a plot device than a person. We’ve got one episode left and it’s still extremely unclear what, exactly, her deal is: Is Alessio really her pimp and, if so, would he kill her for not paying up? If her life is on the line, why is she so relatively cavalier about whether Ethan and Cameron ever pay her back? She bugs Ethan once, briefly, and then just … goes off on an (unpaid!) mission to play translator for her new boyfriend? Why isn’t she just making Dominic buy her silence? Her survival instincts seem basically nonexistent and her naïveté so far beyond the realm of plausibility it’s hard to be all that invested in anything that’s happening to her, sorry!
Will she kill? I doubt it.
Will she be killed? It feels awfully dark for the mood of the show, but she is doing practically nothing to protect her own life so yeah, she could be!

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Mia

Much like Lucia, Mia feels like more of a convenient storytelling device than a human person. Very kind of her to give away a free orgasm as a birthday gift. Unless she tries to collect in the morning.
Will she kill? Eh, I don’t think so.
Will she be killed? This also doesn’t seem likely to me.

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Valentina

Tanti auguri a te, Valentina! She really turned that one around, didn’t she?
Will she kill? She seems unhinged and unpredictable enough to commit a homicide, even though deaths on the property would be bad for business. Constantly rearranging her staff so she can have an unobstructed flirtation with an underling who is actually engaged to someone else is also a lousy management decision, you know? I’m upgrading her to a very possible murderer.
Will she be killed? As we know, Valentina lives. 

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Bert

The way he drags his son for being so panicked at the arrival of Lucia-as-translator — “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you just be cool?� — absolutely killed me. When Alessio high-speed-chases them into giving up Lucia, Bert is appalled that his son would “just let her get abducted.� (“That’s what she wanted, Dad,� is … one way to see it!) Unfortunately beyond that he is saddled with a lot of we’re telling you the theme now dialogue involving his son — getting thrown out by women who will never really accept him back in; “there will be no homecoming,� etc. — which doesn’t give him a ton to work with.
Will he kill? I could see him assisting Albie in some act of violent chivalry. I’ll put him on the list as a more-likely-than-not.
Will he be killed? I think he makes it out alive.

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Dominic

I am docking points for his failure to anticipate the need for a translator. I know he’s got a lot going on (parenting, affairs) but it should’ve been a pre-trip priority! I love that the Di Grasso women — and of course it’s all women — are literally like, “What do we need men for?� before shaking artichokes at these boys until they flee. He seems to be having the shittiest time out of all the men in his family. Tough break, but then again, you made your bed, etc.
Will he kill? He doesn’t seem to have it in him to do much but mope and wonder how his life got so screwed up. Nah.
Will he be killed? This actually feels more plausible than ever? Yeah, maybe!

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Quentin

According to Jack, Quentin isn’t really rich because he spends all his money throwing lavish parties and courting Tanyas. He’s house poor (or palazzo poor would be the more accurate term, I guess.) I know he’s probably a bad guy and he’s friends with that dude in the mafia and everything he does seems extremely suspicious, BUT at least he’s showing Tanya a good time (before he robs her and/or holds her for ransom?!?).
Will he kill? He’s got plenty of closets for hiding skeletons, does he not? Yeah, he could do it.
Will he be killed? For some reason he seems like a survivor to me.

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Greg

WELL. Well well well. What is Greg, our philandering man who couldn’t make it through one measly vacation with his sugar bride, doing in that photo Tanya spotted of a young Quentin? Vast conspiracy implicating all parties? Extremely bizarro coincidence? Either way, our man is back on the board.
Will he kill? If he comes back it does seem like it would be to address some unfinished business … let’s say I wouldn’t put it past him.
Will he be killed? It actually feels just as likely to me that Greg could BE the unfinished business, if you get what I’m saying. I’d watch my back if I were him.

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Alessio

Alessio is not that central to the proceedings, but I do feel like he might get killed just because he’s now made enemies of three generations of Di Grasso men.
Will he kill? It would be SO tacky and gross if he actually killed Lucia, so I’m going with please God no.
Will he be killed? Seems totally in play to me! Yes, he could absolutely be killed.

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Isabella

Congratulations on your engagement to Rocco! Good luck getting him back at the desk with you.
Will she kill? Nah.
Will she be killed? We saw her in the premiere, right? I feel like we know she’s gonna make it.

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Nicolo

He always carries a gun, which we have now seen. Well. I don’t make the rules!
Will he kill? Seems like the sort of thing he’d be into, yeah.
Will he be killed? Well, he’s not central enough to the show to need to survive but I also feel like his death wouldn’t mean much since, again, we only just met the guy. I feel like he lives to do an obscene amount of cocaine another day.