It appears that someone took a gift-shop crystal and whispered “It’s all happening†into it while “Good As Gold†played on repeat because, with the clacking of fake nails trying to post a TikTok, Scheana No Tea No Shay has arrived back on the scene. She was mostly absent from the first two episodes, but now that someone has rubbed her genie the right way, she is back with the slab of Vegemite-flavored Spam she calls a husband. (Why are they erasing Brock? Are we even allowed to say his name anymore? Has he been retired to Ken Todd’s Home for Doddering Spouses?)
The only thing I’ve missed more than I missed Scheana, a chaotic neutral if I have ever met one in real life, is how much Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney hates her. Katie has despised Scheana since the first day she showed up at SUR with Eddie Cibrian’s scent still on her sheets. Scheana was the bitch who was trying to get in on Katie and her friends’ reality show and was ruining it for all of them. The “Witches of WeHo†treated her like crap for the better part of a decade, and now that Scheana is in a relationship, doing well, and has more friends than Katie, she is wielding it over her like Evil-Lyn sprinkling magic evil with her scepter.
It is with sadness that I must report on this occasion, Scheana, as is often the case, is entirely wrong. Wait, do I love Scheana or do I hate her for making me agree with Katie MSM, the meanest woman on television? Unclear, but I am happy to have this relatively petty cattiness back on my television screen.
The conflict starts when Scheana goes to Schwartz’s new apartment, which looks like a glorified storage unit, just filled with boxes of half-unpacked shit and, like, old socks and porn magazines just gathering dust in the corner. She is there to tape an episode of her podcast “Scheananagrams,†where she and a guest play Bananagrams and talk about their recent breakups. At this recording, Scheana starts asking Schwartz a lot of questions about getting it on with Raquel.
The same night, Katie, Lala, and Raquel meet for drinks at a dive bar dressed like they’re presenting trophies at the AVN Awards. Katie tells the group that Tom told her that Scheana was trying to get him and Raquel together. Raquel tells the girls that Scheana is always trying to do that with her, too. It’s at this point that Katie sets a firm boundary and says she is not comfortable with Raquel and Schwartz hooking up. In fact, she doesn’t want him hooking up with any of her friends. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, what is the fairest request of them all? It is this one. It’s bad enough that Tom and Katie have to be together for their employment, and then to have them hooking up in front of each other with other people they know? Gross.
What’s even more shocking is that Raquel doesn’t immediately say, “Oh no, I would never!†to Katie. Instead she’s like, “I really like Schwartz a lot, and I wouldn’t want to date him seriously, but …†Um, she just told Katie, straight to her face, that she might fuck her husband a few times but is not at all interested in dating him. Yeah, smooth move. Maybe because of this, Lala decides it’s a good time to tell Raquel that she hooked up with James as their relationship was new. Oopsies, I guess. I have to give it to Raquel in her confessional when she says, basically, that Lala is going to judge her for hypothetically making out with Schwartz but also tell her that she fucked her boyfriend while they were together. Yup, sounds about right.
Raquel and Scheana talk about all of this the next day, and Scheana tells her that Katie said it was okay for them to hook up. She invites Raquel to “pregame†with her, Brock, and Schwartz at the Agoura Hills Rent-a-Center where Schwartz is currently shacked up with some hot girl named Jo who we have not seen or heard from yet, but is probably mourning her sister Beth and wondering what the outcome of the Civil War is. Scheana is going into this with her eyes wide open. She knows how Katie feels, she knows this is going to piss her off, she doesn’t care at all, and I am not only here for it I am camping out overnight to buy tickets.
Meanwhile, Raquel has to meet James at the park so that he can see her dog Graham. In what seems like a manufactured storyline, Raquel’s dog got hurt at the doggie hotel, she tells Lisa about it, Lisa tells James about it, and next thing you know, James is crying about the dog on the patio at SUR like someone just served him a goat cheese ball and then kicked him in the nards. They meet at the park and James sees the dog, which quickly goes to pant in the shade. Now Raquel is stuck talking to James. See! This is why you don’t co-parent the dog. Just tell James to send over a bag of Milk Bones and leave them alone.
The problem is that when they’re talking Raquel has to bring up the very real fact that James cheated on her with Lala, who was then horrible to her on the show. It’s also the realization that she defended his fidelity for years on the show while he was screwing every girl in L.A. with a Pop Socket on the back of her phone. Instead of addressing it, James just launches into how weird it is that she is dating Peter, the manager, even though she’s not dating him and tells him such. Why didn’t she tell him it was weird that he met his new girlfriend a month after he left her? Oh, she doesn’t need to, because then James is back on the “I’m glad we broke up because I met the love of my life†tip. See, this is not worth it. Being on the show is not worth it. Having this dog is not worth it. Having to look White Kanye in his veneers ever again is not worth it.
Even worse than that, though, is when things are going amiss at Sandoval’s big gig that ends the episode, and James tells Raquel that she has to behave because he and Ally met there. “This is a sacred space for us,†he says. How is Raquel the only one who laughs at this? How did every single person sitting in that sad Valley dude ranch bar in the middle of the afternoon on a Wednesday not just wet their Depends that this is a sacred place for them. Also, James and Ally met at a Tom Sandoval show in the Valley? Oh yeah, she’s a fan trying to get on the show. Why else would she even be at that concert? I’m sorry, but no one just stumbles into a Bravo event, you are there because you worship at the altar of Andy Cohen or are boinking someone who does. Plain and simple.
Anyway, after an awful double date with Lala, Tai, and some guy named Melrose who has not been on a single “cycle†of America’s Next Top Model, Katie is getting ready to go to this gig and is pissed at Scheana for talking to Schwartz so much on her podcast about Raquel. “You’re an evil troll,†she says of Scheana. “You’re a shitty person. You’re a shitty friend. Karma is gonna come for you and I’m gonna watch your world burn.†This, right here, is why Katie is the meanest person on television. Yeah, what Scheana did was not cool, but calling her a troll and saying she wants her life to burn, that’s way harsh, Tai. Yeah, sorry about that joke. Probably too soon after that bad date.
Scheana Is trying to explain her rationale for being a matchmaker to Schwartz and Raquel, who is wearing what appears to be the hoodie for a very wide, very short toddler over a bodysuit that won’t entirely tuck into her pants. It’s like Raquel is an Instagram ad for a Skimms knockoff. (Yup! Still got it!) Scheana says that Katie wants Tom to move on and Katie is hooking up with dudes, so why can’t Tom flirt with Raquel? Fucking is worse than flirting. Yeah, except Katie is not hooking up with anyone’s friends! These situations are not equivalent at all.
When Scheana and Katie confront each other, Katie is quite angry. When Scheana brings up that, “In Vegas you gave it your blessing,†Katie says that Tom and Raquel together makes her uncomfortable. Yes, she can change her mind, so even if she told Scheana that then, her making her boundaries very clear now is something Scheana needs to respect. But I don’t think Scheana wants to. I think Scheana wants to rub her nose in her failed relationship and make her life miserable and, well, she might be wrong, but I am so excited to watch.
Of course, Schwartz was also at this event and Ariana was mad that, once again, no one is mad at Schwartz, who totally could have shut down the Raquel thing if his spine wasn’t made out of half-dissolved Jell-O shots. He decided that the party was getting a little too intense for him and went backstage to see which of 18 expensive, spangly outfits his best friend and lover decided to wear for the show. As soon as he saw Sandoval, he shouted, “Raquel! You’re trying to make out with Raquel.â€
“Naw, bro,†Schwartz said. “It’s not even like that. Scheana just wants us together because she’s a bitch. There’s only one person I want to kiss.†With that, he grabbed Sandoval and pulled him close, planting a kiss square on his mustachioed mouth. They groped and fondled, and Schwartz wanted to take off whatever stupid rhinestone blazer Sandoval was wearing and give this dressing room the kind of baptism it deserved. But Sandoval respectfully pushed him off and ended it right there.
“Don’t fuck up the sequins, bro,†Sandoval said, trying to hide the very spangly tent in his pants.