I have been writing reality-television recaps for the better part of a decade and, in that time, I have seen some shit: Snooki getting punched in the face, the Boat Ride from Hell, and Bimini somehow losing Drag Race UK. But of all the stupid annoying reality television bullshit I have ever seen, I haven’t seen any bullshit that was stupider, annoying-er, or reality television-er than Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney going to Scheana’s wedding in Mexico where absolutely no one wanted her. Aside from the drama between James and Lala, everything in this entire episode could have been avoided had Katie not decided to crash the Mexican resort wedding of a woman she has been friends with for ten years but hasn’t liked for more than a fraction of a second.
At the start of the episode, Tom Schwartz arrives at the French restaurant at the cursed Mexican resort where Scheana is getting married in the middle of the week during the summer, and he is wearing only Adidas slides and an ill-fitting suit. Katie, looking stunning in a red dress, shows up for dinner, and they are literally the only people in the entire restaurant. Tom made the booking under Bubba, so Vladimir, the waiter, keeps calling Tom “Monsieur Bubba,†which is what the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company next to the Louvre is called.
They start getting into a fight when Tom alleges that he was a good husband. Come on! He was as good at being a husband as he was at wearing an actual pair of shoes to this dinner. He even says he’s more likely to defend Katie now, which we all know is a lie, and she brings up, of course, her decision to come on this vacation. She says that Tom took Brock’s side, who he only sees three times a year, instead of hers. Yeah, because she was objectively wrong to come to this wedding. Once she and Scheana fell out, there was no single reason to go to this resort other than pettiness and spite.
That’s when we get the real reason she’s so upset, through her tears. “All of these people surrounding you, being great friends to you, and they’re being awful to me,†the former Bubba blubbers. Yes, this is another fight on the show about being on the show. Katie is afraid that everyone will rally around Tom and refuse to film with her, and she will be picking bits of crust out of her hair at her sandwich shop all alone and without a job.
And of course they would rather be around Tom. He’s not perfect and stands about as upright as an earthworm doing the limbo, but at least he’s fun. At least he’s not out to ruin your wedding out of spite. When Katie gets up and leaves the dinner, though, is when Tom tells her she was a provocateur in some of those. Okay, Raquel, who we’ll get to in a bit, has no business being mean to Katie. But Scheana Marie Shay Brock Davies Carrington Colby? Oh, she has more reason to hate Katie than she has last names. Shall I present as evidence, I don’t know, every single episode of the past ten seasons of this show? Katie and her crew bullied, slandered, and ostracized Scheana from the moment she arrived because they thought she didn’t belong on their show. Well, who is the last lady standing? And, honestly, Tom is right about one thing: Katie deserves every single ounce of cuntiness that Scheana lays on her doorstep.
Meanwhile, at the first dinner of the weekend, Lala has to go running after Scheana to apologize. (First of all, Lala is wearing a literal Ace Bandage as a top at the dinner and asking if her nipples are still aligned but she called Raquel a hoochie for daring to wear a sarong to a pool party?) Lala doesn’t want to go on the bachelorette-party boat trip because Raquel is going to be there. Scheana tells Lala that it looks like she’s choosing Katie over her. How could this have been avoided? Oh, if Lala’s bestie Katie hadn’t bothered to show up. Then Scheana is like, “What about tonight? You brought Kristina Kelly (always both names!)!†Lala says she didn’t know the dinner was a wedding event. Um, you’re there on a wedding weekend, everything you do is a wedding event. Take a toilet selfie and add the hashtag #ScheanaGotBrocked.
As Katie is upstairs licking her wounds, there’s a knock on the door. Who could it be? Room service? Tom trying to make amends? Lala trying to hang out? Peter, who finally just arrived because production forced him to take the bus all the way to Cancún? I had a lot of guesses, but none was that it was Raquel. She saunters in, dressed like she’s trying out for a regional production of Daisy Jones and The Six, and basically tells Katie and Kristina that Scheana wanted to remind them that they’re not allowed at the premium pools and to stay away from all wedding events. K. Thx. Bye.
I don’t know what got into the Raquel that we used to know, who I would call things like a Pokemon-shaped hot air balloon that is fueled on matcha lattes and flat tummy tea … but this is not her. This is some other human. Is she being coached? Is she possessed? Is she trying to make herself into a reality star? I don’t know, but it’s working. Between that and her doing Katie and KK as puppets with her marabou sleeves in her confessional, Raquel was really turning it out in this episode.
As Raquel tells them this, Kristina Kelly says, “Well, if I could have a conversation with Scheana.†No, you can’t. Scheana is busy. It is her wedding weekend, and she has cousins to ignore. She does not have time for sit-downs with people who shouldn’t even be in the country. Katie says that she won’t be in a prison and if she runs into Scheana, then oops. Well, know where she would never run into Scheana? Another fucking resort. Jesus, this makes me so mad.
The next day are the bachelor and bachelorette parties, and, honestly, if those boys wanted to form a circle around me and then just soak me, they could hose me down. They could leave me sopping wet in a pile of my own juices. I’m talking about hitting me with the Champagne gun, of course. What else would it be? You all know that my ideal type is a giant man in a tiny bathing suit, and boy did Brock and his rugby mates deliver. And if that wasn’t enough, Brock was wearing a Loverboy trucker cap to bring the specter of my imaginary husband, Kyle Cooke, into the mix. I couldn’t even let my husband watch this episode because he would fall into an Instagram hole and emerge four days later, knowing all of Brock’s friends’ Social Security numbers.
While the guys are giving me palpitations, the girls are on a catamaran. Lala has a heart-to-heart with Ally, a woman who is rethinking her Faustian bargain for reality television fame. I think that Lala is doing her a solid and telling her not to get wrapped up in this dude the way she did with Randall. Well, if James is so much like Randall (who, in his classic sizeist way, James can’t help but refer to as the “fat manâ€), then why is Lala even friends with the guy? Why not just tell this girl to cut and run?
That night Scheana has a white party to welcome all of her guests, who seem to be the only people in this palatial resort that is constantly empty. Katie, Kristina Kelly, and Lala all decided to have dinner at the restaurant dot dot dot right next to the party. Okay, Katie. I see your petty. I appreciate it, but this is the wrong place. This puts her on Santa’s naughty list until the day she dies. But, honestly, I think Lala is worse. She says that Scheana has so many guests at the party she won’t even notice she’s not there. Really? When you’re sitting a fart’s stench away in a brightly lit room with her mortal enemy? She’s not going to notice that?
While they’re at dinner, Kristina Kelly tells them that she did get Scheana for a conversation. Katie says that she wishes that Kristina Kelly never had to have that chat. Um, know how it could have been avoided? Not going on the fucking trip!!! I can’t. I can’t. Call the clinic in Switzerland because I need to tap out from this lifetime due to excessive hatred of Katie and her resting bitch personality. And then James and Ally come into the restaurant, sit down with them, and start badmouthing the party and everyone at it. See! This is exactly why Scheana didn’t want Katie here, and it is happening. She is making it happen cause she sucks.
There’s also a weird interlude where Tom goes over to the table and asks Katie to trim his armpit hair in a way to get her to forgive him, which I can see is very annoying. But when she shoots him down, he goes away like a bulldog who just got kicked in the bollocks. The girls all remark on how he does this puppy dog thing and then they can’t stay mad at him. Katie says, “See, this is why everyone …†And she can’t finish the sentence, but the words were going to be “chooses him.â€
Meanwhile, at the party, Sandoval tells Ariana, Scheana, and Brock that he just doesn’t want Katie around. He says she doesn’t get to come to food tastings at the bar, she doesn’t get to come to parties, she doesn’t get to crash weddings. What Tom is saying here is just what Katie is afraid of: He wants her off the show. And just as they’re trying to think of a way to get back at Katie for everything she’s done, they call Schwartz over to the table and ask if he will make out with Raquel. Raquel runs over, and then next thing you know, Schwartz and Raquel are sitting at a table in the middle of the world’s shallowest pool (or maybe the world’s deepest puddle?), having a few chaste mouth kisses with no tongue at all.
I’m less concerned with the kisses and more concerned, honestly, with the #Scandoval of it all. Here is what I don’t understand. At this point, Sandoval and Raquel were either banging or getting just about ready to bang. Tom Schwartz doesn’t know what is going on between them. So Raquel runs over to join the crew when making out with Schwartz comes up, but the dude who she is cheating with is right across the table. What is going on here? What is her motive? Is she trying to deflect from what is really going on because she knows it’s so much worse? Does she really hate Katie so much she wants her to catch the two of them playing 7 minutes in the Dreamz Resort and Casino But the Casino Is Closed? Does she know she’s engaging in a totally fake storyline and is just earning her paycheck?
And what about Sandoval? Why is he trying to make this happen? To give his new girl a storyline? To keep his secrets away from the camera? Because that night, when he snuck away from his room and met Raquel in an empty karaoke room off the main lobby, and he kissed her, he wanted to taste it, the little gooey remnants, the stray DNA, the hint of a whiff of his best friend and true lover. And the lips that have kissed kiss him, and all is blissful, all is well, everyone is complete. Except for Katie, who shouldn’t have come on this fucking trip.