Of all the stupid storylines on this stupid season of this stupid show, the stupidest is the one about Sandoval and Katie hating each other and how that is ruining Schwartz and Sandy’s relationship. Lucky us, we essentially got an entire episode about the three of them and their dysfunctional relationship, with a little bit of Ariana being the absolute best thrown in there for good measure. Oh, we also got to watch James and Raquel make cupcakes, Lala hire an assistant for her business social media account that hasn’t even cracked 100K, and hear Brock yell at Scheana about her friends and also his home workout app that certainly won’t be obsolete by the time this pandemic is over considering this pandemic is never going to end and I will be doing toe touches in my living room until the day Gia Giudice is sworn in as our first female president. But really it was mostly the Devil’s Triangle of Katie and two Toms.
The latest round of this fight kicks off at Tom Tom when Sandoval pulls Katie for a chat while he’s wearing a baseball cap with no brim that makes his head look like a still-rolled condom. Now, Sandoval could find a way to mansplain snow to a polar bear, so when he sits down to tell Katie how he turned their friendship into a brand, I just wanted to punch him in the face. He tells her that the reason he is pushing Schwartz is because Schwartz is so insecure he doesn’t do a lot of work on his own. Fair point, but Katie is not wrong that Sandoval is pushing his ideas like your old high school bestie is pushing moldy LuLaRoe leggings. When Katie says she just wants her husband’s ideas heard, Sandoval says that it’s really Katie that wants to be heard and she yells at him to let Schwartz talk.
This is when it goes really hinky because Sandoval says, “How much money have I brought into your household?†which is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Lisa Vanderpump should really be in this conversation. She has brought more money into both of their households than either Tom or Katie ever has. As she later tells Katie, she is the one who came up with packaging Tom and Tom’s friendship and commodifying it. Yes, Sandoval came up with the sidecar and the matching outfits and all of that shit, but without this show and without Lisa turning the show into brick-and-mortar ATMs for everyone involved they would be nowhere.
I sort of get Sandoval’s point. He’s trying to say that he hustles more for the two of them to find deals than Schwartz does, because I feel that Schwartz would rather spend all day sorting out the rainbow lollipop collection he keeps hidden in his bedside drawer than do any actual work. But Sandoval is nothing without him. No one wants to do a deal with just Sandoval, just like no one really wants to do a deal with just Katie. All of these reality stars are more valuable in a group because you have no idea when one will say something stupid (always) and a fight will break out in a public location (also always).
Also, pointing it out is stupid. Saying that he is the mastermind behind all of this is patronizing and condescending, just like Katie says it is. (Is the fact that I have broken out in hives because of my booster shot or because I keep agreeing with Katie, the worst person on television barring the cast of Selling Sunset?) What Katie is wrong about is that them dressing up the same is not stupid, it is adorable and that is what the people love. The best part of the whole fight, though, is when Katie accuses him of being an egomaniac and he says, “I’m egotistical? I made you $20 grand.†Yeah, dude. You just improved her point like you’re a classroom pencil sharpener.
Later, at Ariana’s birthday party in some kind of haunted motel created solely for people to have new places to take pictures for their Instagram, Schwartz and Sandoval have a discussion about the argument and Schwartz says, “I don’t know what to do,†about the two of them not getting along. How about he tells Sandoval to stop yelling at his wife? How about he tells him that he is also a valuable part of this partnership? What he shouldn’t do is sit there and just listen to Sandoval say that it’s all Katie’s fault when it clearly is a broken dynamic between the three of them that continues to let this fester.
The party really was the highlight of the episode for me, only because it’s Ariana’s birthday. Not only does she look amazing in a shiny black dress with one spangled Khalessi braid, she shows why Ariana is the only person on this show I would like to be friends with. She didn’t eat anything before the party, because Tom told her they were going to dinner, but then he didn’t serve her dinner because he is Sandoval and he would rather give someone a stupid surprise then take care of their physical needs. She starts pounding Spicy Dumplings at a bar called Tramp Stamp Grannies. (Katie is right: excellent, evocative, and distinctive name for a bar, unlike Schwartz and Sandy’s. Oh Catholic Jesus. All I want for Christmas is to stop agreeing with Katie!) Next thing you know Ariana is so wasted that she’s slamming her head into the bar, falling on the floor, and spilling her cocktail like it’s a bottle of lube at the bathhouse. What does she do after she falls? She gets back up, everything is okay, and she keeps partying. Ariana never throws a fit, she never gets mad, she just goes into a tiny little room and starts screaming about how she hates drama with Charli and Raquel, all of the colored bits in a Funfetti cupcake sculpted into a toy chihuahua. She is having fun, maybe because this is the first time in several seasons she hasn’t had to share her birthday party with Stassi. Regardless, Ariana is only here for the good times.
The best Ariana moment, though, is when Sandoval says that he can’t yell at Katie because he is a “cyst†white male so he can’t raise his voice at anyone. He says if he was a woman or a gay dude he could, but because he’s straight and white he can’t. No, he can’t raise his voice at Katie because he’s a human. Also, he might want to examine the percentage of people he’s yelled at over the years who are female. He never seems to shout at (non-Jax) dudes, but get a woman around and he feels free to rip into her like she’s yesterday’s fish wrapping. Ariana counters this by saying, “You’re sounding very hashtag Men’s Rights right now and it’s kinda gross.†Thank you for telling him because she seems to be the only person who will.
Finally, after two days of talking about it, Schwartz rides his BMX bike over to Sandoval’s and finally tells him that he has to respect Katie, which is the bare minimum. I sort of wish he came with a tiny panda so I could call it the bear minimum, but alas. Sandoval’s reaction is curious. He says that means that he can’t talk to Katie anymore and the two of them should only hang out in a business context. Um, so Sandoval is punishing Schwartz because he can’t contain his contempt for Katie and will shout at her at every opportunity he gets? Yes, that makes sense. Totally mature. Not manipulative at all.
They sat there, in their side-by-side chairs and decided that they would be 90 percent business and 10 percent fun. “Is this 10 percent?†Schwartz asked as he poked him in the side with a little bit of a tickle.
“Stop!†Sandoval said, the mock annoyance hanging in the air.
“What about this?†Schwarz took a handful of Sandoval’s right pec, which Sandoval quickly slapped away and then turned in his chair as if disgusted.
“Aw. Come on,†Schwartz said. “What about this?†He got up and planted himself in Sandoval’s lap and let out an audible grunt.
“What about this?†Schwartz asked, biting on his ear. “Or this?†he asked, kissing his cheek. “Or…†before even finishing his sentence, Sandoval had leaned into his face, their lips touching, the heat between them rising as Schwartz felt the 10 percent stiffness below him rise to a solid 90 percent.