There was no way that the first post-#Scandoval episode was going to please everyone. Heck, it might not have even pleased anyone, given the shocks, turns, and citizen journalism that electrified last year’s groundbreaking season. But this episode is about as good as we could have expected. Mostly it’s catch-up, setting the scene for what is going on three months after the reunion finished filming and preparing us for a season with a whole new set of allegiances and friendships. But it also manages to feel different somehow.
First off, it looks more expensive. I don’t know if they changed how they shoot the scenes or it’s all in postproduction, but it’s giving glitzy — it’s giving high-end. Just the way the scenes are blocked and shot made me think more Selling Sunset or The Hills and less, well, shitty WeHo apartments where you can’t use the microwave and the air conditioner at the same time or the transformer that is buried under the Pacific Design Center will explode and take down all of Santa Monica Boulevard in a giant ball of flame.
There’s also something different when it comes to what we’re talking about. At first, Vanderpump Rules was about the people who worked at a sexy, unique restaurant that served goat-cheese balls and Pinot Grigio. Then it was about a group of people who pretended like they still worked there even though they were too famous for it. Then it was about young business owners who would stop by SUR and consult Lisa while working on their other ventures. But when #Scandoval catapulted the stars into the pop-culture stratosphere, it metamorphosed into something else. Ariana talks about how Tom is away filming another reality show, and we know she is about to go into Dancing With the Stars at any moment. She talks about Tom having an assistant named Ann, who not only has the indignity of having to talk to Tom every day but also had to glue the penis flute back together. Schwartz is talking about how people are booing him on the street and coming into Schwartz & Sandy’s to harass the bar staff. Then — the most shocking turn of all — Lala actually mentions the name of the show when saying that her ex’s main sticking point in their custody agreement is whether or not her daughter, Ocean, will appear on Vanderpump Rules.
We’re no longer pretending these people work in any field other than the reality-television arts and sciences. The tabloid world is now their real world. It is now the show’s real world, too, and that is going to be a little bit tricky to navigate. However, I did love the very unsubtle read of showing James and Ally in the backyard of their house in Burbank and making sure we can hear every single one of the planes landing at the nearby airport. No matter how famous these kids get, they’re never going to be living in Villa Rosa, an event space that doubles as a menagerie and assisted-living facility.
Since this episode is mainly catch-up, let’s catch up! Tom is off filming Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test and getting carried by JoJo Siwa but is still sharing a house with Ariana. His room looks like a sad bachelor pad with an unmade bed and overflowing hampers, while Ariana’s room down the hall looks like it belongs to an early-stage wardrobe hoarder. She tells us that Tom wants to buy her out of the place and she is saying “no†seemingly out of spite. (It’s now in the courts’ hands.)
White Kanye is not drinking and living his best life by the airport with Ally. I don’t know if the Venn diagram of comics nerds and Bravo fans overlaps that much, but for my X-Men girlies, it’s like if Raquel were Dark Phoenix Jean Grey, then Ally would be Madelyne Pryor, her exact clone just waiting to one day turn into the Goblin Queen. Also, if everyone on the show is going to refer to her as Raquel, then we will adhere to Vanderpump house style and do the same, I guess.
Anyway, Tom Schwartz has turned his personality into owning plants and raising pet bugs for some reason. At least they have a much shorter natural life span than the lizard that he killed a few seasons back.
Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney finally has a good haircut. I was beginning to think that her hair was allergic to styling or something, but her short bob pushed behind the ears is really doing it for me. That’s really Katie’s only major update.
Oh, she’s also now getting along with Scheana Shay, who is living in Marina Del Rey with the biggest faux-painted wedding portrait allowed by law. Sandoval has blocked not only Scheana, her podcast, and her sister but also her daughter, Scripps National Spelling Bee champion Summer Moon. (I’m sorry, but once a human is beyond 6 months old, you have to stop using their middle name in common parlance.)
Wait, I forgot a major plot point. Scandoval gave Scheana OCD. She was diagnosed in the wake of the scandal, and the combination of that and her anxiety not only got her off alcohol and on Lexapro but also made her lose so much weight that everyone keeps asking if she’s on Ozempic. I’m sorry, if Scandoval could make my body as good as Scheana’s, I would take it every day of the week, even if OCD were one of the side effects. I shouldn’t joke about Scheana’s mental-health issues. I’m sure they’re very real, but it was funny how many times she made the whole thing about her. She was only tangentially related in the action, and yet she has cast herself as Saint Scheana, the Last of West Coast Martyrs.
Then there’s Lala, who is on a bit of a hero’s journey — or possibly a fool’s errand. Maybe it’s both? It starts when everyone meets up at Tom Tom for no apparent reason other than to kick off the season. Lisa is in attendance and so is Ken Todd, which means someone got out the Ouija board and conjured him from the other side. Ariana arrives for the first time since she found out about the affair and is shocked that she is going to have to sit in the exact same chair where she was when she found Tom’s phone with naked videos of Raquel on it. “Am I sitting here?†Ariana asks. Yes, you are, because Lisa Vanderpump is still producing this show, and she is going to put you right where you were for the most traumatic moment of your life, to see if there is any residual psychic energy that she can capture with the lens of a television camera.
Lala pulls Lisa aside and has a conversation about Raquel. Something Raquel said last season really resonated with her: that if Raquel pissed off Sandoval, she would be all alone. Lala says she felt the same in her relationship with Randall but also that she feels badly that Raquel is being labeled as a home-wrecker, just like she was. “All the names I was called — being labeled a ‘home-wrecking whore’ — if you lay it out there, they’re all true,†she says.
Wait, is this the same Lala that terrorized Raquel for a whole episode last season for saying that she was a “mistress� This is what drives me crazy about Lala: She always figures things out eventually, but she’s just an asshole to everyone else until she gets there. Why not soften her stance a little bit — she ends up eating those words, and wouldn’t you much rather eat soft words? Well, we’d all rather be eating Something About Her Sandwiches, but that shit is still not open despite what the opening credits would lead us to believe.
Anyway, Lala finally has some sympathy for Raquel because she’s willing to admit she was a home-wrecker all along. Because of that, she goes out into the Tom Tom alley to leave Raquel a voice note saying she would like a conversation. Why did she have to do this in the Tom Tom alley instead of the SUR alley next door? It is a future UNESCO World Heritage Site, after all.
At girls’ night the next day, Lala tells Ariana that she reached out to Raquel because she’s sympathetic to her not having anyone, now that she has pissed off Tom. Ariana tells her that she hasn’t really, because they’re still in touch. While Lala is calling for sympathy, Ariana makes the point that Lala didn’t take so kindly to Schwartz and others talking to Randall, her ex. This is the same thing all over again: Lala being a dick about something stupid until she figures out herself that it’s stupid.
What I can’t understand is why Lala can’t have empathy for Raquel but also realize that it’s not her problem. If Raquel needs people to talk to, she hopefully has her own support network. She doesn’t need Lala. What Lala needs to do is be a friend to Ariana and ensure that Raquel is talked about fairly on the show, not actually talk to Raquel and cause all kinds of stupid drama.
Scheana is also very upset that Lala contacted Raquel because, you know, Scandoval mostly happened to Scheana, and she has the Ozempic-speculation scars to prove it. But ultimately the girls are all happy and they’re laughing and having a blast, just like old times. But the specter of Tom Sandoval looms large, as we saw earlier when the editors gave us a nasty Twin Peaks–themed trick by interspersing footage of Ariana dancing with his ugly mug in close-up.
Yes, the episode ends the perfect way: with Tom Sandoval getting out of an Escalade and wheeling his big suitcase full of boot-camp clothes up the driveway. He pulls out his key and undoes the lock. The house is echoey and dark except for a light-up mirror that is propped against the foyer wall. “Hello?†Tom asks and a lone bat wakes up and flies across the room. He looks around at the empty house, not wondering where everyone is but wondering how he could be back here, how he could once again inhabit this space that has turned like a gallon of milk left on the hood of a Camaro at a tailgate party in hell.
He makes some slow steps toward the kitchen as if underwater, the static from this living situation pulling at his clothes, his flesh, his every molecule. He eventually stops in front of a giant LEGO portrait of him and Ariana in happier times; he looks at them in their pixelated glory and reaches out to touch it, as if to transport himself back to that very moment. When his index finger makes contact with one tiny brick, he pulls his finger back quickly as though shocked by electricity. As he does, every piece falls out of the frame and cascades to the floor. Tom stares down at his feet, the rubble scattered everywhere, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. Oh well. It will be Ann’s problem in the morning.