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The White Lotus Kill or Be Killed Report is a weekly check-in with the guests and employees at this cursed hotel chain to speculate who’s most likely to murder, and/or end up murdered, following this week’s episode.
How’s everyone settling into their getaway? Strangers like Chelsea and Chloe are becoming fast friends; their bald(ing) boyfriends hate each other on sight. Old friendships like the one between Laurie, Jaclyn, and Kate are already starting to crumble, as their conversations — while bracketed with ardent declarations of affection for one another — consist almost entirely of criticism, mockery, and contempt. And the Ratliffs are fulfilling HBO’s Sunday night quota of Siblings With Unsettling Sexual Energy. The more things change! But our question here is not will Saxon try to have sex with one or both of his siblings? Our question is about MURDER. And/or being murdered. So keep your eyes up here on this week’s Kill or Be Killed Report.
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Laurie (Carrie Coon)
I love how the MINUTE these women start talking in that overly loving voice, we know they are about to pivot to tearing each other to absolute tatters. It’s almost beautiful to watch. Makes me think of the perfect Pen15 bit: “Like, I love her, but she’s kind of a problem.” We learn a lot more about Laurie this week, like the fact that Jaclyn hasn’t seen Laurie in four years and that Laurie’s divorce was so “gnarly” that she had to pay him alimony “after he freeloaded off her for years.” (I’ve actually reported on “galimony” and what happens when high-power women divorce their failure-to-launch husbands, and let me tell you, the anecdotes are WILD.) Laurie’s daughter, who just last week we were praising for being “so cool,” is, apparently, a hitter who throws furniture. (Of course Kate feels superior for raising her kids in, I assume, a soulless suburb where you have to get on a highway to get to the nearest coffee shop, while Laurie has committed to raising a chic city kid.) Oh, and Laurie didn’t make partner. Incredible shot of Jaclyn and Kate throwing back Tami Taylor–size glasses of white wine while they concern-troll their friend for drinking too much. This whole scene is perfect, down to the exclamation point of Laurie banging on the glass to scare the shit out of them.
Will she kill or be killed? I think killing someone might be really healing for Laurie! I don’t think she’s going to die. Feels like punching down, no?
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Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan)
So what’s the real issue with Jaclyn and her hot, younger husband? If they’re soooo addicted to each other and she’s hardly prioritized these friendships before (see above re: how long it’s been since she’s seen Laurie), why isn’t HE on this trip with her? I think her desperate brag about how he’s “always getting hit on” is a cry for help. The minute Kate and Laurie are in a position to gossip about Jaclyn, the top-two issues are her uncanny hotness — more than just “the basics,” if you ask them! — and her relationship; the girls bet Jaclyn and her husband never even see each other.
Will she kill or be killed? She could also be the killer, following in the White Lotus tradition of the killing being done in a fumbling, accidental way — almost slapstick in its randomness, rather than stemming from genuinely violent intent. It would be SO Jaclyn to do a little whoopsie-homicide.
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Kate (Leslie Bibb)
Oh, God, that silence no one helps her fill when she pops over to say hi to Victoria, who 1,000 percent remembers her from that baby shower but does not want to acknowledge it. And the way she talks about eating beans! I wanted to die.
Will she kill or be killed? Currently, I feel like she is safe on both counts. But the season is young — and so is she, right?!? She’s totally young and healthy because of all the beans!!
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Saxon (Patrick Schwarzenegger)
He is, as Chelsea astutely describes him, “such a douche” from “a family of wankers” and continues to do exactly what you’d expect him to do: gets hard during his massage and then mopes about not getting a happy ending; takes Adderall and steroids basically constantly. A very convincing and satisfying performance, but so far it’s all a little one-note. I am hoping he gets weirder or has his whole shtick subverted soon.
Will he kill or be killed? He seems like a killer, but that just feels too obvious! Keep reading for my thoughts on whether he dies. I have … a dark wish.
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Piper (Sarah Catherine Hook)
Poor Piper came all this way to feel the presence of God and Buddha and instead she’s surrounded by gross men, from the LBH who won’t stop staring at her during yoga, to both of her brothers, who keep clocking how attractive she is and want to know whether she’s had sex. Her father is, as we know, indisposed; her mother’s response to it all is (paraphrasing only slightly) “Y’all are too much!!”
Will she kill or be killed? Okay, this would be a real journey for her, but I love the idea of Piper getting pushed to the limit and deciding to commit fratricide. Of Saxon, though! Just Saxon. I don’t (yet) want Lochlan to die.
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Lochlan (Sam Nivola)
Lochlan spends his solo time in the sensory-deprivation tank and his sibling-bonding time letting Saxon get in his head about Piper’s sexual history. Cool! When he tried to scramble to save his inquiry by assuring his sister, “It’s weird that you’re so hot that you’ve never had sex, like, as a compliment about you,” I wanted to DROWN, and I wasn’t even the one in a hammock on the sea!
Will he kill or be killed? My vote at present is “neither,” but I’m keeping an eye on him. The quiet ones, you know.
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Victoria (Parker Posey)
Incredible gender studies class from Victoria this week, wherein we learn some of her guiding principles: Actresses are “all basically prostitutes, if they’re lucky”; your brother is allowed to abuse you in a vaguely sexual manner as long as when you’re adults you’ve repressed all your anger about it and can say that you’re very close. What do we think went down at that baby shower in Austin where she met Kate? The animosity radiating off her is too powerful. Unless she is so zonked out on whatever drugs she was/is on that she truly has no recollection of Kate but is humiliated to have forgotten her and so commits fully to this passive-aggressive path?
Also: Because I read your comments and I am a real reporter, I consulted a North Carolinian and UNC alum on the matter of Parker Posey’s accent. This expert says the real issue, in addition to the accents being “deranged,” is the notion that this family lives in Durham when they would be living in Raleigh, the latter being “much more traditionally southern.” (“I have never seen anyone in Durham wearing critter shorts.”)
Will she kill or be killed? Do you think if/when she finds out that her husband is a fraud and their money is all gone, she will take him out? Or try to? I can see a world in which she exacts vengeance in the heat of the moment because the pillars holding up her life were made of laundered money.
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Timothy (Jason Isaacs)
Every vacation has its man who can’t log off, and this vacation’s is Timothy. How’s he doing? Not great, Bob! The story about him has spread from The Wall Street Journal to the Washington Post. I lost it when he finally got Kenny on the phone and asked if he was implicated — clearly hoping, delusionally, that the answer would be “Nah, you’re fine, bro” — and instead the response was, “YES, for SURE, get a good lawyer like YESTERDAY because we are ALL going to DIE in PRISON.”
A question for the class: Timothy is disappointed because, for all his money laundering and bribery, he only made $10 million. How much money would you need to make to risk getting caught committing white-collar crime?
Will he kill or be killed? This is the kind of guy who will do what he thinks he needs to do to get out of there unscathed, no matter who gets in his way. He’d probably shoot Lochlan if he had to. (Sorry!) HOWEVER: On this show, the person who SEEMS like a psychokiller is never the person who does the actual psychokilling. So I’m placing my bets on him getting killed. For now.
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Rick (Walton Goggins)
Rick prides himself on being able to stress out his stress-management session, à la Will Hunting in therapy. Rick’s special, you know? He’s not like other girls. He already believes that he is nothing and thus has nothing from which to detach. For our purposes, this tragic backstory — his mom was addicted to drugs and OD’ed when he was 10; his dad died before he was born — means he has nothing left to lose, increasing the odds that he could be involved in murder before the season is through. He was also SO cavalier about the fact that Chelsea was in the room when a burglary took place; do we think Rick was the burglar? Because that feels like a distinct possibility to me. He’s already got his eyes on his next scheme: a trip to Bangkok where Sritala’s rich husband is recovering from a stroke. Field trip!
Will he kill or be killed? I think he gets killed. Possibly in the act of trying to kill someone else.
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Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood)
Chelsea is an Enneagram 9 with the heart of an angel who does not even know the world’s most obvious sex worker when she sees her, which makes me wonder if we’re in for a twist on last season’s enterprising sex workers where she out-scams the scammer and the men wind up with nothing. Obviously, I’m rooting for Chelsea in this scenario, but I would be annoyed, from a creativity perspective, by such a note-for-note repeat of season two.
Will she kill or be killed? I just cannot accept a world in which Chelsea is killed! I do like the idea of her as a killer, though. Maybe once Rick calls her an “idiot” one too many times …
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Gary (f.k.a. Greg)
Greg/Gary has neither changed nor learned. What moment made YOU want him to die the most? Mine was when he responded to Chloe saying she is from Canada and not French by whining, “Why do you have to be such a stickler about everything?”
Will he kill or be killed? I am actively praying for his downfall each and every day!!
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Valentin (Arnas Fedaravičius)
I don’t know that his intention is to shit-stir among the victory-lap blondes, but the fact that he is providing these insecure, competitive women with literal data with which to compare themselves to one another is QUITE a choice. Intriguing that he told Laurie and Jaclyn their numbers are like “a woman half your age” but did NOT say the same to Kate. He could not cause more problems for them if he tried, and so we must ask ourselves: Is he trying?
Will he kill or be killed? In the clear for now, but I can see a world where he gets caught in the crossfire of someone else’s homicidal mania.
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Mook (Lalisa Manobal)
Clearly, Mook does not have romantic feelings for Gaitok, and part of me feels for her (you’re not obligated to be into a guy just because he’s nice to you) and part of me feels like, girl, you need to stop eating the lunches his mom made if you’re not trying to send mixed signals. And she must have anticipated his ask was coming, no? Surely she had time to come up with a kinder, yet clearer, response than “don’t be stupid” and “stop being weird”!
Will she kill or be killed? Hard to see her taking anybody out, and thus far, she has made no enemies. Unless Gaitok turns out to be an incel. Jesus, I hope that’s not where we’re headed.
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Gaitok (Tayme Thapthimthong)
Several tough breaks for Gaitok this week, starting with Mook’s rejection, though I respect the big romance of the ask. “Let’s go on a date tonight and every night” is a very sweet offer. Do we think he’s going to get fired for letting the robber in while he was supposed to be doing security? In other bad news: I think, unfortunately for him, it was unwise to overhear everything Timothy said on that incriminating call with Kenny. In these situations, it’s really better to know nothing.
Will he kill or be killed? I fear for his life. If I had to guess today: He’s not going to make it out alive.
Keep an eye on:
Sritala, a star with a rich husband who could be up to who knows what; Chloe, a professional (in all senses of the word) who knows how to handle her man — would we be surprised to learn she’s killed someone before?; Amitra, the meditation teacher, because honestly, talking to all these insufferable jerks could make anybody snap; Belinda, who didn’t get much to do this week, but she is too important to rule out!
This article has been updated to correct the identity of the man staring at Piper in yoga class.
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- The White Lotus Kill-or-Be-Killed Report: Are We Having Fun Yet?