On April 24, TikTok user Joe Biden signed a bill into law that could see the app banned. If parent company ByteDance does not sell TikTok to an American buyer in nine months, the app will be removed from Apple and Google app stores, and any Americans with the app still on their phone could no longer update. ByteDance has promised that it 1) will fight the law in the courts, and 2) won’t sell regardless. Per NBC News, the Chinese government has said TikTok’s algorithm is a “national security asset,†and without that algo intact, TikTok is just Reels. And who wants Reels?
But we at Vulture are optimists. Maybe some benificent, possibly fictional, company can buy TikTok from ByteDance and keep us all entertained with more “Bear vs. Man†debates or “Who TF Did I Marry†story times. Here are some helpful suggestions:
Evolution Media
This is the production company behind shows like The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules. Since Scandoval mostly played out on TikTok (and on TikTok videos of podcasts), it would make sense to vertically integrate before the next big drama. Plus, the TikTok shop could stop trying to pressure me into getting an at-home stepper and focus on what’s really important: Mamaw’s Beer Cheese and James May t-shirts.
Succession’s Roystar Wayco
Sure, they screwed up Vaulter, but that was the old regime! The company had a helluva time with the death of its founder and whatnot. Now that things have kind of settled down under Tom Wabsgans’ management, Roystar is primed for a cute little acquisition. Willa could run it, maybe.
The IWW
ByteDance can’t keep TikTok because of scary, foreign, communist China. For years, we’ve allowed the Chinese Communist Party to control one of the most popular apps in America,†Senator Marco Rubio said of the app. But the anarcho-socialist Industrial Workers of the World was founded in Chicago, baby!
Severance’s Lumon Industries
Everyone who gets severed will now have an Innie, an Outie, and a Scrollie, who only remembers the time spent flipping through vids on TikTok.
Wayne Industries
Gotham TikTok would have a field day.
Dwayne “The Rock†Johnson
The man is bald and started a shampoo line. He can do anything.
When does the TikTok ban start?
If The Rock and ByteDance can’t come to some sort of agreement, TikTok could be out of the app store by January 2025. But it probably won’t. ByteDance has already promised to challenge the law’s constitutionality, according to NBC News. That could send the law to the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals, and put a pause on that nine month clock. Then whoever wins will most likely appeal to the Supreme Court. ByteDance is expected to file their suit this fall.