We have seen a lot of parties in the houses both Summer and Winter, but I think this depiction of a party is the best that we’ve seen on one of the shows. So often, the party is treated like one solitary event, or the important conversations and altercations are isolated from the rest of the events. But a real party isn’t like that. It’s moments unconnected by time or context. You’re hanging out with friends of friends outside of your usual crew and possibly meeting new people. At the end, you’re not left with a story; you’re left with a vibe. It’s not one picture; it’s a million little snapshots that turn into a mosaic.
That’s what we’re getting in this episode. Look over here; there’s Kyle and Brian peeing off the deck. Over there, Casey, Amanda, Jason, and Tom are talking about how much they love Jason’s new girlfriend, who happens to be a reality star. In the kitchen, Malia is having a gay-baiting kiss with a woman named Hannah. (#JusticeForHannah) Look over here; Casey is doing slut drops on the kitchen counter in totally see-through pants and panties that aren’t even hers. Jordan is talking to some hot strangers and she asks what he’s looking for; he says to find a woman to put some babies in. She responds, “Oh, fuck. Not procreation.†Meanwhile, as all of this is happening, Alex and Danielle are bumping uglies downstairs, ignoring everyone.
Ugh, Alex and Danielle. Again. Thank God the group played touch football and not basketball because Alex and Danielle would get so many fouls for carrying not just the ball but this entire season. If it weren’t for them and Katie Flood and Tom, we’d have nothing to talk about other than Jordan’s ass in a onesie and Kory’s abs in absolutely anything. The party is a retread of what we had to deal with last time Danielle got drunk. She doesn’t like Alex flirting with other women, but he doesn’t really mean anything by it.
Kyle says that he knows Alex will keep flirting and Danielle will keep getting mad about it, but also, he can’t tell them to call it off because that will be awkward for the whole house, so we’re just stuck here. Danielle’s big complaint is that she and Alex were having sex downstairs, and “20 minutes later,†he’s hitting on other women. Alright, I saw them rolling around in the bed, but was there something that I missed? Was there some P in the V action that was edited out? Not to minimize what Alex did (but actually to minimize what Alex did), but I didn’t think actual sex was occurring.
Also, Alex was just talking to these women and being polite when they were throwing themselves at him. I didn’t see him do anything out of line. Meanwhile, Danielle is going around the house, working all the women up, telling anyone who will listen about her grievances. When she asks a drunk Amanda if Alex should be flirting with other women, she gets totally bad-tempered when she doesn’t get the answer she wants. The most telling scene is when the women are in a room with Tom Schwartz. Danielle is telling people that Alex is upstairs trying to have sex with people. “I don’t think he’s trying to have sex with anyone,†Tom says. Then Malia says Alex can’t have sex with Danielle and then immediately go and hit on other people. “He’s not hitting on them; he’s just talking to people,†Tom says. The disconnect is that these women are reading too much into it. They should listen to the guy. Tom knows. Alex isn’t that pressed, he’s not trying to actively fuck them, he’s just being social at a party. Listen to the dude. Know there is nothing to it. They’re all reading way too much into it.
Then Danielle continues to march around the house, telling people she hopes that Alex is in a gutter somewhere. Chill! It gets even worse when she and Alex are finally behind closed doors. “You made me sad today,†she tells him. “Why do you do those things? Do you like me? Do you hate me? I like you a lot, and I think you’re awesome.†Now, there is nothing wrong with drunken expressions of emotions, but these two agreed to keep it more fast and casual than a whole string of Applebees. Danielle acts like this and wonders why Alex doesn’t think she can keep it easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl.
She wakes up in the morning and laughs it off, as we do so much drunken behavior. “I was cursing the day you were born. I had a knife at one point,†she says with what must be the stankest breath on all eight continents. (You’re going to tell me Antarctica is a continent, but the North Pole isn’t? That doesn’t make any sense and is frankly Mrs. Claus erasure.) But there’s really nothing either of them can do at this point. They just need to ride out their imperfect relationship until filming ends and never talk to each other again.
The other story we’re following is what is happening with Tom Schwartz and Katie Flood. Schwartzie is reminding me so much of what it was like being a smart kid in public school. While I got long division the first time it was taught, you have to sit around being frustrated with everyone who can’t get it until like three weeks later when they’re like, “Oh, yes! A remainder!†That’s like Tom and being mad that Katie has the same name as his ex-wife. After hearing about it for what feels like months now he is finally like, “Know what? It’s not a big deal.†So frustrating. He could have been making out all of this time.
He takes Katie into the shared bathroom for a makeout sesh, which I am very happy about, but I have so many questions about what happened there. First of all, they start smooching, and then the door opens and Katie throws her bra on the floor outside of the room. It’s a whole bathroom. There wasn’t room for one extra article of clothing that wasn’t on a body? Or maybe she was trying to put it on the door handle as a signal and failed? They’re making out in there for privacy, but now we all know that Katie had her boobs out.
Then Malia hears them making out and asks, “Katie, can I get my contact case?†No, sister, you can not. You’ve been trying to get this hookup happening for days; let them heavily pet in privacy, please. Just throw your contacts in a half-empty bottle of Loverboy; I promise they’ll be fine in the morning.
While Malia comes in near the beginning of their rendezvous, Aesha gets up in the middle of the night and has to use the bathroom. She opens the door, and Schwartz immediately says, “I’m pooping. I’m pooping.†We know that’s a lie, but how does his mind go there first? He didn’t say, “We’re in here,†or “Give us a minute,†he tried to scare Aesha away with the specter of a turd. When Aesha says she has to wee, he says they’re covering up. How naked were they? They say in confessional they kept it PG-13, but what did he have to cover up? We’ve all seen his belly. Can’t he just tuck his boner in the waistband of his boxer briefs like all teenage boys learned to do in eighth grade? Then Katie lobs a passive-aggressive, “We were just trying to have sex, but we’re good.†Are you going to let Aesha pee or not, you heathens?
The next morning, there is a brunch and onesie-making workshop in commemoration of Jordan’s late mother, who loved both of those things. It’s a little anti-climatic and mostly what we get is a recap of a party the day before. I did love when Kory piped up and told everyone he had an activity, and they all groaned and collectively asked, “Can’t we all lay in bed in our onesies and watch Squid Game: The Challenge, please?†These poor producers are driving these poor kids into the ground.
Kory takes everyone to flag football, and there are really only two highlights. The first is my girl Casey, who decides she wants to sunbathe instead. “I’m going to ref … with my eyes closed,†Casey tells the group. I have never identified with a sports-hating person more in my entire life. Amanda is only playing the game to keep Kyle happy (ugh, does that mean I’m going to have to participate when we finally get married?), but she’s rewarded by getting a football to the face and, yes, I rewound it five times and, yes, I laughed harder and harder each time.
Back at the house, Katie is putting Tom in a car so he can return to Los Angeles to deal with Original Katie, now with 100 percent more rage. He’s saying that he will come back after the reunion, that they’ll pick up their fling where they left off, on the bathroom floor covered in Malia’s optical solution, but she isn’t sure he’ll return. She doesn’t think he can deal with it. She’s probably right, so she better hope there are more parties on the horizon, or there will be no one to kiss.