A ‘Sopranos’ Virgin Attempts to Remain Unspoiled

What can we say? We just couldn’t get into The Sopranos in 1999. The whole mobster-in-therapy conceit sounded like Analyze This: The Series, and thus dreadful. By the time our friends and colleagues began spraying each other with torrents of “Shakespeare But Better� gush, it was too late to pick up the show’s many plot strands. So, to keep ourselves pure for the inevitable catch-up marathon, we attempted to go through today with one mission: to avoid hearing how the Sopranos ended.

We lasted exactly one hour. Below is the timeline of our undoing.

8:15 a.m.: The home page of the Times stares us in the face with a photo of leaden-eyed Tony and the kids regarding their diner menus. The breakout lede to Alessandra Stanley’s postmortem: “After eight years and much frenzied anticipation, The Sopranos defied expectations up to the final minute.� Okay, fine. Could have figured out that much.

8:17: An editor IMs in response to our request not to talk about The Sopranos: “I am surrounded by crazy people.�

8:20: The Post homepage. “Tony & Gang Whack Fans.� The lede: “There was nothing wrong with your television. That’s the way the creator of The Sopranos wanted it to end.� Huh? Has David Chase opted for some sort of Andy Kaufman–esque messing-with-your-reception stunt? Does the thing end with Tony breaking the fourth wall with a hail of bullets and “killing� “you�? Awesome!

8:22 a.m.: We dutifully submit the first post of the day — the Morning Line, a collection of news links — naturally without mentioning The Sopranos.

8:31 a.m.: The editor writes: “Okay, well, be warned, I made Sopranos the top item in the Morning Line.�

8:42 a.m.: We tear ourselves away from the computer and run out for a cup of coffee. Goddamn you, Daily News: “So was that Tony Soprano’s last supper or what?� reads the cover. Okay, we’re totally piecing it together now.

9:15 a.m.: And the coup de grâce comes from our own Daily Intel. “We’re just wondering: How many people started calling Time Warner, convinced their cable had gone out?� So it’s a “profound� open ending that hints at Tony’s demise but doesn’t depict it, and crests with a note of suspicious inactivity or expectant silence as the family chows down at a diner. Great. Nothing to psych us up for an 86-hour DVD commitment like the full knowledge it will end in nothing. —Michael Idov