Harry Potter Does Not Want to Meet Your Children

•Back!: Dolly Parton will release a “mainstream country� album next February, her first in seventeen years, on her new label, Dolly Records. [Billboard]

• Spoiler: The real Harry Potter is 78 years old, lives in Zaleski, Ohio, and is sick of children. [WP]

• Oh shit!: A Chicago judge has set a September 17 start date for R. Kelly’s child-pornography trial, five years after Kelly was first charged with making a sex tape with an underage girl. We just hope this gets resolved quickly, so he can get to work on the next ten chapters. Of Trapped in the Closet. [Chicago Tribune]

• White Gripe: Jack White says journalists are lazy. We’d try to think of a clever comeback, but what’s the point? [NME]

• Monstrous Inconvenience: Filming for J.J. Abrams’s Cloverfield is shutting down streets on the Lower East Side. Pictures here! [Radar]