Entertainment Industry Paralyzed by Strikes: How Brett Ratner Can Help!

Another day, more strike-related gloom: production on Johnny Depp’s next movie, Shantaram, has been halted, along with the Rob Marshall musical Nine, starring Javier Bardem, Penélope Cruz, and numerous other sexy famous people. Also, there’s no end in sight for the Broadway stagehands’ strike, which is reportedly costing New York City $2 million per day — money that was already earmarked to open another Red Lobster in midtown and to think up fun new explanations for why the MTA needs to raise the price of MetroCards. And now the CBS news writers are going on strike, meaning we’ll all have to get our news from antiquated, outmoded sources like ABC and NBC. Things seem to be getting more dire by the second, but we think we may have figured out a solution. It’s kind of crazy, but it might actually might work!

Brett Ratner should take the place of the striking stagehands, WGA members, and news writers. Think about it: How much can it possibly hurt producers to have the writers of 30 Rock and Friday Night Lights on strike? If anything, it’s probably saving them money! Ratner, on the other hand, has made the entertainment industry nearly a billion dollars over the course of his career. The last dozen Rush Hour movies alone have grossed more than $500 million — without him, the movie studios collapse! If everyone but Ratner goes back to work, the huge media conglomerates still suffer, and we get Broadway shows in the winter and a full season of Lost in the spring. Everyone wins! (Except for Chris Tucker.) We can’t think of a single reason why this wouldn’t work! —Matthew Perpetua

Strike delays ‘Shantaram,’ ‘Nine’ [Variety]
CBS News Writers Authorize Union To Call A Strike [Reuters]
On Broadway, Growing Gloom About the Holidays [NYT]