‘Weeds’: Nancy Gets a Tattoo

With just two weeks to go till the season finale, this was a smashing week for Weeds. Every scene was jam-packed with character craziness coming to fruition: Celia turned “gangster Barbie,� shattering Sullivan’s office to pieces with a baseball bat, then hightailing it to the growing house for cigarettes and man-bashing with Heylia; Doug installed the giant fluorescent cross he stole from the local Church of Absolute Truth above the plants that are burgeoning again after last week’s move; Shane started talking to the camera, Office–style, only to reveal at the end that he has truly gone crazy (we’ll explain); and the bikers that drove Celia’s ex-hubby off the cliff a few weeks ago beat Silas to a wobbly pulp in revenge for having to deal with a girl with balls (Nancy).

“You have a working mother, Shane. Them’s the breaks,� Nancy said after she crept home from a night, we presume, with Conrad. (Sweet Conrad.) Shane, whom Nancy has been all but ignoring for the entire season, chomped on his cereal and eventually responded, “I don’t believe in miracles. I believe in Pittsburgh.� He spent the rest of the episode singing the praises of Pittsburgh, a place where he thinks he might once again have a loving, nuclear family. Then, things go from oddball to scary when, as the alarms he installed screech on in midday light, he sits talking to an uneaten plate of chicken salad. “Who you talking to?� Nancy asked. “Dad,� he replied. Dead Dad.

Meanwhile, Nancy did the oddest thing ever: Got a tattoo of a U-turn symbol on her ass. “Please tell me you have a thing for traffic signs,� asked (sweet) Conrad over a glass of wine. “So why would you do that?� Just what we were wondering. Nancy didn’t love U-turn, the gangster who tried to hijack all their MILF-weed and dropped dead on a mountain top a few weeks back. U-turn, Conrad pointed out, did nothing but cause everyone — viewers included — pain. “I thought it would make me stronger,� she answered, climbing on his lap. We’re stumped. Really. But Conrad’s line of questioning ended when Nancy threatened to withdraw love privileges, to which Conrad could only shut up and taste the mango she was chewing. Our Hollywood ending, in which bad boy Conrad shacks up with bad girl Nancy, might still happen, if Nancy refrains from more body-branding. The biggest threat, actually, is Celia, who had a taste of Conrad last season and is likely out for revenge. Stay focused, Nancy. —Emma Pearse