Eli Roth Is a ‘Bastard’

Thurgood Marshall Doing Some Investigative Work: Laurence Fishburne is in talks to replace William Petersen as the star of CBS’ linchpin crime drama CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. He’s apparently being “heavily courted� to play the new lead, a doctor-scientist who has the same genetic profile as a serial killer but has never acted on the murderous impulse. At least Morpheus’s monotone explanations of boring shit will be put to good use. [HR]

Bana Unleashes the Beast Within: Sometimes Hollywood knows you’re having a rough morning and decides to cheer you up with something so dumb you can’t help but love being alive. For example, Hollywood will say, “Check it out … Eric Bana is making Love the Beast, a documentary about his 25-year love affair with a 1974 Ford Falcon Coupe. That’s right, it’s nothing but Eric Bana getting sexy with his car, and also Dr. Phil is in part of it.� Seriously, Hollywood? You’re awesome at making us feel better. [Variety]

Grisham Gets Shanked: Phoenix Pictures has tapped Hairspray’s Adam Shankman to direct Playing for Pizza, an adaptation of John Grisham’s bestseller about an NFL quarterback who ends up playing semi-pro ball in Italy after blowing a shot at the Super Bowl. “We want to make this grittier than the book,� says Shankman, crushing our hopes of finally seeing a football musical. [Variety]

Bayer Neck Deep in Fiasco: Music-video director Sam Bayer (“Smells Like Teen Spirit� (!!!)) will direct the action thriller Fiasco Heights for Universal. Story follows a gunman who teams up with a degenerate gambler to find a femme-fatale and a briefcase. Sound like a boring neo-noir mystery? Think again: Producer Michael Bay’s involvement tacitly ensures ample explosions. [HR]