Today the New York Times reports that Angelina Jolie didn’t just bank a $14 million payday for her baby photos — she demanded that People produce an “‘editorial plan’ providing a road map of the layout.†Shocking? Unethical? We say: Awesome! At Vulture HQ, we’ve been rejoicing all morning. This means we might finally have our shot at a Q&A with Angelina — if our “editorial plan†is strong enough. So here goes! (Angelina, if the below proposal sounds good to you, please just leave your cell number in the comments and we’ll get back to you.)
Dear Angelina Jolie,
New York would like to request an online Q&A for our socially conscious entertainment blog, Vulture. We do not have $14 million to offer. (In fact, we have substantially less, but on the positive side, it is all untraceable, in small, unmarked coins.) What do we have? An editorial plan that will knock your socks off. We won’t make you sound like Madonna at all!
1. Lede: Profile opens with natural, humanizing detail that presents you as just another American mom — but way hot and more morally centered. We say you and Brad are like “Jon & Kate Plus Eight — if Jon was a hot architect-actor and Kate was like a hot Obama and the kids were like young superhero prophets drafted from the far corners of the globe to save the world.â€
2. Response to your critics: Angelina the Alchemist: We argue that selling baby pictures isn’t creepy at all. You’re like the girl who turned straw (the despicably craven impulses of the nasty media) into gold (a multi-million-dollar end to global suffering). And all those meanie “ethics†reporters are just jealous Rumplestiltskins.
3. We mention that since you started dating Brad, he doesn’t look anything like Kato Kaelin anymore.
4. 7,500 words on humanitarian issue of your choice. You can even pick the writer. We’ll just paste it in!*
5. Small scene: You deflower David Archuleta.**
6. Riff: On how you totally deserve an Oscar for Changeling. To make up for not getting one when you totally deserved it in A Mighty Heart. And Beowulf.
7. Highbrow quote to class up the interview, like this one from T.S. Eliot.
8. Sidebar: World hunger stats.
9. Sidebar: Maddox’s hair secrets.
10. Megan Fox’s accurate description of you: “like a superhuman goddess!â€
11. Not mentioned: that blood-filled vial necklace thing. It’s played out!
12. Also not mentioned: Jennifer Aniston. What a hater. Friends sucked, anyway.
13. Rebuttal: Your holistic worldview is nothing like Madonna’s. You’re so much more serious and un-publicity-stunty.
14. Tough questions: (These are negotiable.) Are you the best woman in the world because of your generosity, courage, or dedication? Do you consider yourself the most powerful woman in the world — more so than even German chancellor Angela Merkel?
15. We confess our love, and the look in your eyes tells us that you desperately want to run away to rural Pennsylvania with us and live off nothing but apples and Amish jelly — but now you have the kids to think about: “Perhaps in another life,†you whisper, while a witch doctor inks our matching tattoos.
16. Kicker: We observe some spontaneous, deep moment between you and Brad that makes us realize that everything about you is soulful and uncalculated!
* 4-point type
** Online slideshow and online video component.
Angelina Jolie’s Carefully Orchestrated Image [NYT]
Related: Angelina Jolie Really IS Manipulative and Conniving, Says the ‘Times’ [Daily Intel]