When reports first surfaced that Oliver Stone was planning to revisit his 1987 masterpiece Wall Street by way of a sequel, initially we shrugged our shoulders. After all, the prospect of a geriatric Michael Douglas taking Shia LaBeouf under his wrinkly wings isn’t exactly the sort of thing that compels you to stop what you’re doing and check Fandango for presale dates. Still, we’ll admit that our ears perked up a little bit when Vulture buddy Nikki Finke reported that the hunky Spanish Oscar winner Javier Bardem will be cast in the film as a villainous, stock-shorting hedge-fund manager. Unfortunately, though, we then read the plot synopsis.
According to Finke, the film is set in the months preceding the October 2008 collapse of the world’s economic system. Gordon Gekko has just been released from Shady Acres federal prison, where he had spent the last twenty-plus years paying his debt to society for his greedy ways. Shia LaBeouf plays an ambitious young Wall Street trader in the Charlie Sheen mold, only this time around, his character isn’t as keen to impress Gekko as Bud Fox was in the original. Rather, the device that brings the two protagonists together is the fact that LaBeouf is engaged to Gekko’s estranged daughter (that role isn’t cast yet, but we think it would be hilarious if they landed on Megan Fox). You see, Gekko has grown a heart during his time in prison, but when nobody listens to his cautionary words to his Wall Street cronies that the “end is coming,†he becomes “obsessed with trying to repair his ruptured relationship with his daughter.†Really? We suppose that’s a better outlet for Gekko than becoming a day trader, but the Gekko that we know and love would’ve sold his daughter down the river for a hot tip from the E*Trade Baby that could make him an extra $10K.
Anyway, Finke goes on to report that Gekko and Shia enter into some sort of “Faustian bargain†when the boss of LaBeouf’s character commits suicide (edgy!) after being screwed by the aforementioned short-selling Bardem (standing in for Bernie Madoff, apparently). We haven’t seen the script yet, but we’re really hoping said bargain involves Shia going down to the seedier parts of the financial district to score a new super-potent strain of Levitra for Gekko. Because if Gekko isn’t out nailing mistresses and screwing over average Joes from Main Street, then we’re not sure we want anything to do with this movie. Even in this wintry economic climate, no one wants to see the redemption of Gordon Gekko.