The Genius of Simon Cowell: Insulting Similes

There are many things we’ll miss about Simon Cowell, who will say farewell to American Idol tonight. There’s his endearing perma-sneer, and his oddly square hairdo, which grew more right-angular with every year. But most important, we’ll miss how he was the voice of tough-love sanity in a world of dawgs, divas, and that old loony toon, Paula Abdul. When the other judges cowed to sentimentality, cooing over a singer’s sad backstory (which was usually wielded in lieu of talent), Cowell brought everyone back to the notion that this was a singing competition. And, appropriately enough, he did it lyrically, with finely crafted insults that would make an English major proud. His favorite critical construct? The simile. And so, as a parting tribute, we’ve compiled a list of our favorites, broken down by category.

Transportation

“You actually sing like a train going off the rails.�

“It was a bit like watching a ship sink, that audition.�

Impaired Celebrities

“That sounded like Stevie Wonder with a really bad cold.�

“You sounded like Dolly Parton on helium.�

“You sounded like Cher after she’s been to the dentist.�

“You look like the Incredible Hulk’s wife.�

“Just what we needed — Sylvester Stallone’s younger sister singing Paula Abdul.�

“You sing like a 3-year-old girl dressed like LaToya Jackson.�

Food

“It was a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun.�

Animals

“You sound like a cat in a vacuum cleaner. Dreadful.�

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you remind me of a pet poodle I used to have.�

“It was a little bit like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger.�

Boring Inanimate Objects

“You have the personality of a handle.�

“You walked in like a cocktail stick and then sang as if you’d sat on a cat. That was the audition.� (Cross-reference with “Animals�)

“You’re dressed as a guitar but also look like an insect singing country Western music.� (Cross-reference with “Animals�)

Experiences Humans Dread

“It sounded like you’d gone to the dentist ten minutes ago.�

“It was almost like you were giving birth there at the end.�