Welcome back, Shore fans, for our second official Class-Off, in which we pit cast members against each other in a bid to see who’s the least classless of the episode (for, as we mentioned last week, classiness is relative with a group of people who throw around a poor grenade’s chicken-cutlet-like bikini insert for fun … but more on that later). Guys, this episode was funny, right? Vinny was in rare form, Pauly D.’s bug-eyes were hilarious, and Snooki and her vagina made us laugh and laugh. When this show returned for its second season, we feared the cast (and its newfound fame) would lose some of its strangely entrancing magic, but we’re happy to report that, like a marinating chicken dish that hasn’t fallen on the floor, the show is getting better with time. Okay, so we could do without Sammi and Ronnie (together, that is; Ronnie alone, drunk, and doing the robot is a pretty amazing sight to behold). So which is worse: Leaving the house with your “girls†in full view, or cuddling with someone even though you’ve got your own sweet gorilla at home? Let’s find out.
1. Ronnie — The Loser!
Rooooonnie continues his run as a pretty shady dude. After sweetly romancing Sammi, Ronnie gets wasted at the club, starts freaking on Sammi’s face (she wore a satisfied smirk during it, though, so we won’t count it against him), and then completely flips out and calls her a “fucking bitch.†Yikes. “Ronnie thinks that by getting in a fight, he’s allowed to creep,†observes a disapproving Pauly, as Ronnie starts macking on a Cuban girl and sweating all over the place. When Snooki confronts him … he pushes her away. For this, Ronnie, you lose the Class-Off immediately. Even the boys are shocked by his behavior and insist on dragging him home, where he brags about his Cuban conquest (“Ven aqui!†… okay, that part was admittedly funny). After all that, Ronnie still goes to cuddle with Sammi, who must be “dumb,†according to Pauly, to keep going back to him. And dumb she is, as when Ronnie starts acting nice to her the next day, she immediately forgives him and is elated when he refers to her as his girlfriend. Oy, these two. “He’s a dirtbag — it’s not a good look for him,†says the ever-wise JWOWW.
2. Snooki
Snooki, much as we adore her, is not a classy girl. She burps, she whines, she talks openly about her nether-regions — she’s hilarious, but not very well-bred (and we’re most definitely sure that she doesn’t care one bit). Snooki’s big offense was hitting on Vinny while she was talking on the phone with her boyfriend, Emilio. We saw those hands creeping up Vinny’s stomach, Snooks! You can’t fool us! In her defense, she was looking particularly appealing that night, and Vinny egged her on. “You look hot!†he told her, of her signature pouf and leopard dress. “I’ve never said that to you,†he added, somewhat unnecessarily. “You just took my breath away.†Aw. “You trying to smush right now?†Snooki asked him, eyebrows raised. Vinny said no, but perhaps his heart was saying yes — and we’ll blame him for asking Snooki to come cuddle. “Come lay down, I won’t touch you, just stay with me, we’re good,†he cajoled. So Snooks gets in bed, burps, and asks, daintily, “Wanna fuck?†Her dad would be so proud. (Watch the insane clip of Snooki and Vinny below.) During a break from the gelato store, where poor Snooks can’t see over the counter, she gets Mike to hoist her on top of a statue of an ugly camel/dog/goat-looking thing (insert camel-toe joke here). “Oh, it hurts my vagina,†she confesses. Mike offers to help her off. “No, I like it!†There you have it: second-to-last place in the Class-Off.
3. Angelina
Ugh, will someone kick this girl off the show already? We got to see how Angelina’s drunken attack of Pauly played out, and it was scary to see how out of it she was. Minutes after slapping him in the face, she doesn’t remember she’s done it. “I didn’t smack him! I didn’t do anything about it,†she shouts at a visibly shocked Pauly and Mike. (Pauly’s eyes! Classic!) “I think that’s a problem,†says Pauly, correctly. The next day, Angelina vaguely recalls getting in a fight with Pauly, but doesn’t remember the details until Mike clues her in (which you know he loved doing). “I’m like, really upset. I was like, really, really, really drunk, ‘cause I’m not comfortable here,†she says to Pauly, who seems dubious. “Do I get a get-out-of-jail-free card?†she entreats. Pauly isn’t having it, and Angelina, still donning sunglasses, is upset once again. Later on, the boys want to go out for their MVP night (Mike, Vinny, Pauly!), and Angelina thinks it’s a good idea to invite herself along. If she wasn’t so annoying, we’d kind of feel bad for Angelina — the boys devise an immature plan to ditch her, by running away when she’s not looking. What are these guys, 12? Okay, it made us laugh, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t rude! In positive class points, Snooki asks Angelina to admit that she’s a shit-talker, and, to her credit, she does so. “Whatever you think I said, I probably said it,†says Angie. Does that mean she did, in fact, call Emilio a m—–? This is why she’s near the bottom of the Class-Off.
4. Pauly D.
This is definitely Pauly D.’s season. He’s so affable and goofy — and the preening faces he makes in the mirror are enough to solidify our love, forever and ever. He’s also a marginally classy guy. When Angelina apologized, he accepted, but was smart enough not to forgive her. “I accept the apology, but we should go our separate ways. Don’t worry about what I do,†he tells her sternly. Fine, so he’s sort of a creep when out at the club (“Mike and Pauly would take home a stray dog if no girls were left,†sneers Vinny), but he’s polite to the girls once he gets them back to the house — he even offers them towels and walks them to the door! And sure, hooking up with a grenade in a hot tub full of people isn’t the classiest move we’ve heard of. But Pauly’s having fun, and for that, we give him a pass. Plus, he was the one who aptly compared the silicone bikini insert to a “chicken cutlet.†Not a bad showing, Mr. D.
5. Mike
Mike wasn’t a huge presence this week — come to think of it, he’s been somewhat on the sidelines for this entire season. Of course, he still likes to insert himself into things that don’t involve him. Of the Angelina mess: “I’m going to put my best foot forward. I wanted to make it a point to talk to everybody about the situation.†Why, Mike? Why? But he does things with good intentions, at least. Perhaps standing outside the gelato store, shirtless, but attracting no attention, was a humbling experience for Mikey. Eh, probably not. Mike is best at describing the ugly girls that other people are hooking up with. “At one particular point, I remember I was in the jacuzzi, and I put some water on my face and I was like, We’ve got grenades, man! †Of Pauly’s girl: “We’re at the zoo! He was like hypnotized. One of the hyenas hypnotized him and he didn’t see up close what was going on.†Not so classy, Mike. But we’ll cut him slack for playing catch with the chicken-cutlet breast implant. We probably would have done the same.
6. Jennie
JWOWW only referred to hitting someone once last night, so she’s pretty high up on our Class-Off. (Plus, it was Angelina, so, really, who cares.) Yes, she had some issues with work attire, specifically the high-necked T-shirt at the gelato shop. “He makes me put on this black T-shirt that suffocates my girls. It’s like, come on, let the girls breathe.†But in spite of her breasts’ lack of air, she does wear the uniform while she’s there. We’ll admit, her going-out outfits aren’t the classiest. “Jennie, you forgot your shirt!†jokes Vinny of her absurdly revealing top. (“Jennie definitely defies gravity. I think Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his laws of physics and work it around Jennie’s tits,†Vinny muses.) But she forgave Angelina when she apologized, and she seems genuinely torn about telling Sammie about Ronnie’s indiscretions. So this week, JWOWW was kind of classy (as classy as she can manage).
6. Vincenzo
Don’t tell our boyfriend, but we sort of have the hots for Vinny. Is that weird? When he was laughing uncontrollably with Snooki on the bean bag, we couldn’t help but fall in love a little. And then when he requested her “companionship,†our cold hearts swelled. “I want to brush up on my Italian,†Vinny says, charming the gelato-shop owner Enzo, who calls him “the king of the sandwich!†Vinny explains that he needs a haircut for his “thick Sicilian hair,†so he and Ronnie venture into the “hood†to get a tape up and a fade, whatever that is. “If someone can cut a black person’s hair, they can usually cut my hair,†Vinny explains. Well, okay. We’ll have to deduct some classy points for his conduct with Snooki. “Did I bang Snooki last night. Did I do the unthinkable?†It’s still unclear. But he more than made up for that by being grossed out by Mike and Pauly’s fondness for girls, any breathing girls. Vinny, you see, is above that. Which is why we think he should give us a call.
8. Sammi — The Winner!
Sammi is obviously in denial. She’s blinded by her love for Ronnie, who continually goes out without her, makes out with girls, and then comes in to cuddle. But when Ronnie called her a bitch, instead of fighting back, she sadly left the club. And when Ronnie decided to go out with the boys, she didn’t make a scene, but moped in bed, waiting for someone to feel bad for her. So does pathetic equal classy? Maybe. Just maybe. Sammi wins this week by default — she didn’t actually do anything except for be Ronnie’s punching bag. Her classiness is a small victory, though, compared to what she’s willing to endure from that oversize meathead.