All those birds dropping dead around the world can only mean one thing: JERSEY SHORE IS BACK, BITCHES!!! And for season three, Vulture recruited two recappers smack in the middle of the key Jersey Shore demo: two married 35-to-40-year-old Brooklyn Heights parents. These are the kind of people who can most happily enjoy this show, freed by the satisfied knowledge that their housebound life means they will never even accidentally encounter the Shore ilk out at a club. They selected the dirty — nay, the filthy — dozen most important things about last night’s season premiere.
1. The Jersey Shore Parents
When the castmates were shown leaving their homes for the shore, we caught a delightful glimpse of their parents: It seemed like a blatant back-door pilot for Jersey Shore: The First Generation. Plus, who knew that Pauly D’s mom is played by Oscar-winner Mercedes Ruehl?
2. The Introduction of Deena/Diana
Brand-new housemate Deena Cortese is the most significant TV cast addition since Woody Harrelson stepped behind the bar of Cheers. Deena Cortese is like Dan Cortese if he were a three-foot-tall, foul-mouthed, pantsless orange marshmallow. Deena, you had us at “fucking cunt.â€
3. The Snooki/Deena Road Trip
Why, why, why couldn’t Snooki and Deena’s road trip to the shore have been its own self-contained episode, like when Oprah and Gayle went camping? Deena introduced the catchphrase “guy shopping†before tantalizing us with, “You never know what’ll happen when Deena and Nicole get cherry vodka in their blood.†We don’t know the exact answer, but we’ll guess “kisspunching.â€
4. The Brilliance of Seaside Heights Club Names
“Karma,†“Bamboo,†and “Headliners†were some of the hot spots discussed tonight. We discovered that a fun way to come up with your own Jersey Shore club names is to look at stuff in your pockets or under your couch: “Pencil†… “Wrapperz†… “Batt’ries†…
5. Vinnie’s Shower Caddy
Because this figured so prominently tonight, Vinnie’s giant shower Croc tote will either be the MacGuffin that drives most of the season’s story lines … or it will never be mentioned again. Either way, why was everyone giving him such a hard time about it? He seemed to take a lot of abuse for what was basically a rational, unobtrusive way to organize his cosmetics in a house with seven people. We’re on Team Shower Caddy!
6. The Vibrator Conversation
Deena, Snooki, and J-WOWW do what most roommates do within the first five minutes of unpacking: compare vibrators. All of our child’s toys are now tainted since we discovered that Snooki calls her massager “Tickle Me Elmo†(wethinks the Children’s Television Workshop might have something to say about that). But if Snooki’s going to name her dildo after a Muppet, shouldn’t it be “Oscar the Grouch,†since it’s green and probably smells like garbage? Maybe a Henson should make that call.
7. “I’m a Walking Holidayâ€
This is how the fun-loving Deena describes herself. The Situation thinks that’s an apt description, since Deena’s “like Thanksgiving. She’s got a lot to give, and she’s into stuffing.†Is one of Fat Albert’s friends supplying the Situation with dialogue? We agree that Deena’s indeed a walking holiday, but she’s more like a cross between Columbus Day and Purim.
8. Hooray for Dental Assistants!
Deena’s not your typical hyphenate, no model-actress. She’s a dental assistant-waitress-amateur mixologist (“Blast in a Glass!â€). This revelation also spawned one of the night’s many memorable lines, as Vinnie deftly diffused some hot-tub tension by asking “So, what’s it like being a dental assistant?â€
9. The Vin Diagram
The Vinnie-Snooki-Deena love triangle seems destined to lead only to heartbreak and/or herpes. In another signature Jacuzzi scene, Snooki and Deena almost saw their friendship torn asunder as Vinnie hit on Deena, Snooki got jealous, Deena left the tub, and Snooki subsequently tried to hook up with Vinnie. Vinnie sweetly and tenderly turned Snooki down, saying “I don’t want to hook up with you tonight and hook up with someone else tomorrow and then have you get mad.†We’re pretty sure that line was lifted from a Nora Ephron movie. J-WOWW showed up to console Snooki, and defiantly told Vinnie to “stick it in one of the jet holes.†Isn’t that what Brett Favre is in trouble for?
10. “Kooka … nahnah. Nahnah … kooka.â€
There were many references to Deena’s vagina, which is bound to happen when you take your bikini bottoms off on television. After Deena (what an astonishing debut!) did the worst-ever reenactment of the seduction scene from The Graduate on a bewildered Mike, the house was abuzz over Deena showing him her “Kooka†and “Nahnah.†It’s tough to say whether these euphemisms for vagina will catch on, but at the very least, they gave Survivor producers ideas for new tribe names.
11. The Segment 7 Showdown
Even casual Jersey Shore fans know that the show really starts to get down to business in the final two segments, and tonight’s episode stuck to that trusted formula. The Sammi-Ronnie-Deena-Snooki-J-WOWW battle royale reached its deliciously violent conclusion: Deena dropped the C-bomb on Sammi (leading Mike to deem her “Rookie of the Year†— we couldn’t agree more), and Ron charged downstairs (how frightening is it when Ron runs toward anyone — you know a felony assault can’t be far behind) and dropped the P-bomb (Poughkeepsie) on Snooki (squirrel monkey attack!), which naturally made J-WOWW and Sammi punch each other in the face.
12. Honorable Mentions
- Watching Snooki pack all her leather boots and underpants was like an episode of Whoreders.
- Ron and Sammi are together and stronger than ever, just like Robert Blake and his wife
- Ron and Sammi better not spend the entire season moping under cheap comforters. Sammi appears to be the Ziggy of the house.
- Chef Boy-R-Vin
- We’ve never heard of anyone “pulling the eject button,†or pulling any button for that matter.
- More Flip Cup please!
- The Luggages
- The “this season on Jersey Shore tease/montage, which promised many slaps and blurred-out crotch shots