Butts! Butts butts butts butts! It’s Always Sunny is back and “the gross crew†wants you to know that they are ready to do this shit. Want to see Fat Mac repeatedly slide an insulin needle into his belly? Not a problem. A prostitute ODing on crack? Fine, yes. Dee giving a Tiger Woods impostor the foot job of his life with the help of said crack-addicted prostitute? Done and done. Of course, it’s Charlie’s coup de grâce, his puke de résistance, that really ties it all together. All in all, the gang makes it feeling like we’re coming home again. A home where someone eats chimichangas out of a garbage bag nonstop, but a home none the less.
I’m going to declare a hard-line spoiler alert for this episode. If you’ve seen it, you know why; I don’t want to ruin that moment in the limo for them. If you haven’t seen it yet, do yourself a favor, throw caution and your job security to the wind and watch it immediately in your cubicle. We’ll be here. In the meantime, let’s talk about Fat Mac. I was interested to know how long they planned to dwell on Mac’s sheer size, seeing as how we’ve been seeing his grinning face floating above a Tommy Bahama shirt for months now. Luckily after setting up that Mac believes he’s just “cultivating mass,†Dennis spirits him away to a doctor to prove how negatively he’s being affected by the weight. It turns out that while Mac has developed Type II “diabeetus,†Dennis’s “no lunch/alternate day breakfast†diet plan has left him equally as unhealthy, and the two descend into a No Restrictions crack-and-old-fried-Mexican-food binge. They didn’t do much with the 50-lb-weight-gain reveal, did they? That being said, the show has plenty of time to milk his gut for all its worth. Plenty of time.
Meanwhile Frank has decided to marry crack-addicted prostitute Roxy, a convivial sex worker who has stolen Frank’s heart and caused the rest of the gang to question the quality of their “second act†of life. Roxy is also the shit. “This jacket is awesome, and it’s tighter than dick skin,†she groans when Dee takes her to the store for a makeover, like she’s a sore-covered Julia Roberts. Once Dee discovers exactly how much money Roxy makes letting guys do gross stuff to her feet, it takes about 45 seconds for her to get onboard with servicing a Tiger Woods impostor (who also posed as Donovan McNabb in season three). Do you know how much crack $500 can buy them? Me neither, but this is already shaping up to be a crack-heavy season.
Ever the optimist, Charlie decides to find Frank a woman who isn’t interested in him for his money. As such, Charlie concocts the elaborate ruse of The Millionaire and The Limo Driver: Charlie plays the part of a “casual millionaire†who falls ill on a first date, thus allowing his chauffeur, portrayed by Frank, the chance to swoop in and sweep his date off her feet. As you might imagine, things do not pan out. “I found a whole case of eggs under a bridge last week,†Frank tells Charlie’s increasingly uncomfortable date, before describing how he also got bitten by a crab. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Charlie starts vomiting a geyser of blood into the woman’s now-screaming face.
Up until that moment, the pacing of the show sort of uneven. The best episodes are usually tight spirals of lunacy, the threads becoming interwoven until the whole gang gets sucked down into the insanity. However, the flawless implementation of a blood hose speaks to why It’s Always Sunny continues to satisfy. On any other show, projectile vomit would be the payoff to a long and/or painstakingly laid episode-long joke (which assumes this scene would be on any other show, which, no it would not). On Sunny, the blood bath comes out of nowhere, with no context or explanation. In that moment, before we learn that Charlie has ingested what must have been thousands of blood capsules to make the ruse more effective, we’re as shocked and horrified as to his terrified date. The best part is, the blood geyser has virtually nothing to do with Charlie’s elaborate mistaken identity scheme. The fact that the show can still surprise us after all our years together…well, it really means something.
As to be expected, Frank remains unfazed by the sloppy turn of events and plans to make Roxy his call girl bride. “I love eggs, Charlie. And I love crabs. And I love boiling denim and banging whores. And I don’t care if anyone doesn’t like that about me, they don’t have to stick around,†he declares. Eventually the gang ends up back at Charlie and Frank’s apartment, where Dee declares her new profession as a foot girl (“Alright, gross. Whatever,†Charlie responds) and Frank drops to one knee to make Roxy his betrothed. “You are good shit, and I want to make this legit. I’ll still pay you but I want you to stop banging other guys,†he informs Roxy….seconds before she dies over an overdose. Frank then seamlessly launches into her eulogy: “You were a good whore. You serviced me better than any whore ever did. Not just my crank, but my heart.†Not wanting to ruin their second acts, the gang drag Roxy out into the hall and saunter away. Is it their best episode ever? No. But it’s enough to let us know that they’re back. And after all these years it’s remarkable how this show continues to touch not just our cranks, but also our hearts. But also our cranks.